Im alone with my thoughts, which isn’t a place I like to be. Surrounded by nothing but my own doubt and questions, with nothing to off set or tell me Im right; even though I know enough people agree that I have no clue what Im doing.
I saw the kids when I got back to town. Picked them up from school and drove them to where they are staying. Madison talked a hundred miles an hour filling me in on all the details from the 18 century until now and then some. Dylan waited his turn, knowing better than to interrupt his sister, except with a few hand motions and an occasion “And then…!” but other than that, he was quiet.
I didn’t want to ask, but wanted them to talk, to tell me…knowing that what was important, what was on their mind would come out best if they were the ones that remembered…and it came. They have seen a lot of stuff. Have been through more than they should, but one thing they have been protected from was watching the physical abuse of someone else, something I could proudly say that they had never witnessed. The only thing they wondered was why. They seem more confused than anything, and didn’t focus too much on it, thankfully having been removed from the situation just days after.
But they arent stupid.
They know something happened, even though they might not know the full impact. But who I was and am really worried about, is Josh.
I didn’t see him, thinking it would do more harm and just add to his confusion if I saw him, and then left. Choosing instead to wait, and see him when I bring them home.
I am going to bring them home.
I don’t know what Im doing, I have enough people backing me up on that one. I don’t know where Im going, I don’t know how to raise kids – I really don’t…but Im trying. And that’s one thing I can do, and will do, and will continue to do.
Im trying to get over the doubt that I cant…because I know I cant…and trying to focus on trying. Something I know I can do.
I know I need to talk to them, ask them, question them, drill them, whatever. I know I need to tell them it will be ok, even though I DON’T know if it will be, and I know I need to reassure them…but I cant. I cant tell them it will be ok, because I don’t know if it will be, and they know better than to believe that anyways. I don’t know how to reassure them, reassure them about what? They are smart kids, they will figure out what they need to, and most likely school me on it. How can I reassure them, when Im not even sure myself? And so instead, I just listen…and try to figure out if they are ok by their body language, and words that fly out so fast.
But Im failing, every time I turn around (maybe I need to stop turning around). Im trying. But Im screwing up. Im trying. I really am…even though it doesn’t look like I am. Im trying to figure out whats the best for them, what they need…IM TRYING.
But its hard.
Because just when I think Ive got it, something like this happens…
And I wonder if Im doing more harm than good…I wonder if this is right for them. I wonder if I should give them a chance, while they still have one.
But Im trying. Because there isnt anything else to do.
…and in an almost comical way, I got an email this morning, telling me that something I had written was posted over at a form that I was recently signed up for…and the post? Was the one in which I talk about options. And how I was going to exhaust all of THESE options, before looking into THOSE.
…and for once, I had to agree with myself. I didnt fight this long to get this far, to just give up because things got rough. Because I know, and knew, that things werent going to be easy. Sometimes, I like to take the easy route, knowing its not the best.
And sometimes, I dont know what route TO take, and Im left like I am now….confused. Trying to understand. Not wanting to give in, or give up, but not knowing what else to do.
But for now. Im trying. Because once again, I dont know what else TO do.