The other day someone I know sent me pictures of her daughter. Her daughter was under a year old when Emmy passed, and she was sending me pictures from now and before then…and I was aware of the fact that even if I didn’t want it to be, it was real. And it had to be ok, because it cant not be.
And some nights, my heart just wants to explode…
Because I have three kids here, who I have the opportunity to make things better for, and yet all I seem to be able to do, is make things worse…And again Im aware of how very real it is…even if I don’t exactly want it to be real.
I came home on the basis that my mom had invited her boyfriend up to stay with her while I was away. I left the house in what shape its usually in; a few dishes in the sink, beds in an upheaval, books and papers scattered on the desk, and the tv set to the cartoons.
I came back to a broken tv, lamps and a window. No computer desk, and unable to lock the front door. And I will leave the details to be filled in.
And I don’t know if I should be signing custody rights over now, or later.
I want to avoid it. To blink my eyes and pretend it didn’t happen. To not write about it…and pretend that in time, it will go away – I can send her home, bring the kids home, and go on with life as normal.
When in reality, I know Im just waiting. Waiting for the full impact of whats happened, to hit me.
Ive held the blank stare fairly well these past few days. Ive been told things by people, and while I know they are true, so very very true, I don’t want to accept that they are.
Im on a very thin line right now. A very thin line of sanity. Trying to decide, if I should accept the guilt that is pushing its way in, or avoid it as long as I possibly can.
“I didn’t mean to” “I didn’t know” and “Im sorry” just arent going to cut it this time.
I screwed up, I made a bad choice, I never should have…arent even going to work.
Because the truth is, I more than screwed up.
I more than made a bad choice.
Im walking this thin line…and I don’t even know if its worth the walk anymore.