I think, maybe

Being away from a situation, can often give you a more in depth look at what your up against.  Instead of being face to face with it, thinking everything is completely normal, if you step back and view things from a distance, its often easier to see whats going wrong, whats going right and what needs to be changed.  Atleast it seems that way to me.

Being away from the kids for some time now, has given me a new perspective on things.  Its also made me wonder and do a lot of second guessing, because I still dont honestly know if this is the right thing.  I just have to keep thinking that it is, because I dont know what else is or isnt.

My mom has been watching the kids for the past, almost month now.  Its something that needed to be done, for both her, I and the kids.  She is the type to constantly tell you how to do something, and when you dont do it, she waits until something goes wrong and stands there and repeats her idea, while saying “Told you so” the entire time.  Im surrounded by those type of people, so its really nothing new.  But it gets hard at times, when you really dont want to be told how to do something, and everyone is telling you how to do it.

In short, she “Knows best” for these kids, and I dont.

And so I handed the reigns over to her for a short amount of time.  The first two weeks were blissful.  I hardly heard anything from her, and what I did hear, were short blurbs about how wonderful the kids were, how well behaved, and sweet they were.  And while I know they are…they are also kids, and they are still young, and still have little quirks that we all have.  After the initial newness of a new person in their lives wore off, the true kids in them started coming out, and while Im not at all trying to say that they are bad kids, she got to see the well rounded version of what we go through on a day to day basis.  She saw life how it really was, and not how she wanted it to be.

Josh threw her a few curve balls, which he is good at.  Madisons sweet demeanor got some attitude that this almost-13-year-old has hidden away, and Dylan became his usual quiet stubborn self that can drive just about anyone up the wall.  And she emailed me.  Five times in less than three hours one day.  And I read each and every email, while drinking my coffee, smiling.

Because she now knows.

Of course, the next day she emailed back saying that those were all flukes, that everything was running smoothly, and it was all well…but did I know when I was coming back yet?  Was I returning soon?  The volcanic ash wasnt effecting things any was it?  Had I planned to not return?

For me I have to wonder.  Im somewhat glad to hear that someone who knows as much as she, is having the same problems someone like me, who knows the basics and then nothing, has.  Its encouraging to know that Im not the only one out there that has these problems, but then something inside me has to even all that out by wondering if maybe they are this way because of how I am, and how little I know.  Maybe they wouldnt have frustration or stubbornness if I really knew what I was doing.

I was thinking about this earlier this week, remembering all the struggling Molly and I did when she was still alive.  All the days that we would clash, and all the days that I wondered if maybe I was somehow causing her this much frustration.

The weeks before she passed, that were just her and I, I remember thinking that she had changed.  That she was the same stubborn, funny, sweet annoying little girl that had left months earlier, but that she seemed different.  She had spent a few months with a family she barely knew, apart from everyone she knew, in what everyone was telling me was the best for her…and at the time I figured because she was sick, she was just acting this way.  But she was distant, clingy, and more defiant than normally.

I know I might not be giving the kids the best in everything, or anything.  I know that I wont ever be able to buy them all brand name clothes, that I will take off on random trips to straighten my head out, that I often put comfort above practical.  I know that we will be late 98% of the time, and the other 2% we will be 3 weeks early.  I know that I will always wonder if I am doing the right thing, but I think, and its just my thoughts that are subject to change at any given moment, but I think, that maybe, just maybe thats ok.

I think that maybe its ok to wonder and second guess, I think its ok to worry about them, and if they are getting the best.  I think they are doing ok…because the one thing that I have always said, and will continue to say…I might not be able to give them the best in anything…but I want to keep them together.

I want them to know that they have each other, because I know that if that is taken away…then they loose everything, even if they had nothing to begin with.

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