Cold. Lonely. Quiet.
Are some of the only words I can think of to describe tonight.
I have something to say, something I should have said a little while ago, a week ago to be exact. But I havent wanted to say it just yet. Havent had to words to say it, havent had the motivation to say it. I dont want to answer questions anymore about it, and so I just figured it would be better to just leave it. Just not say anything.
But as time has passed, I find myself needing to say something. Im not in Alaska anymore. Infact, Im not in the US anymore. Atleast not at the moment. No we havent moved. No I havent lost my mind (I still havent found it, how can I loose something that isnt found). Im about 45 minutes out of London, UK right now.
I know, why?
To be honest, I dont KNOW why. I needed this time. And I fought myself over it for the longest time. Its selfish, to leave the kids, so much and take time to myself. Selfish to need a break, to get away. To clear my mind to think things through. I know that. Im not by myself anymore, I have responsibilities, I have a job, I have three kids. I cant keep running away like this.
But I did.
And Im trying to wrap my mind around some very heavy topics. Im trying to come to grips with some things, to accept some things, and prepare myself for making a decision that will change my life, our lives. I need to make this decision, and I couldnt do it when I was face to face with it every day. I couldnt face the problem, the choice, the decision daily, and make a choice that would be best, beneficial for everyone, while being faces with it. I couldnt do it being surrounded by those I knew, in a country I knew. I couldnt do it while looking over my shoulder, saying hi to every other person, and carrying on conversations with the grocery clerk.
So I took off for a few weeks.
…and here I am.
In a small town outside of London, where I have been for the past few days.
Attempting to clear things up with myself so I can return home, and make a decision.
Maybe Im running, running from myself, from my choices and problems. Running from everything I know because its all to familiar. Maybe Im scared. Scared to make a choice that will change things. Scared to commit, or admit. Scared to exist. To survive. To let the past be in the past, and the future be in the future. Maybe Im worried. Worried that I will make the wrong choice. Worried that the past will turn into the future, that it will repeat itself. Worried that if I dont put an end to things, it will continue to repeat itself. Maybe Im confused. Confused about life. About the kids. About these choices, and decision that have had my mind bogged down. Maybe its too hard to admit to these things when Im faced with them daily, but its something that needs to be faced, and dealt with. Its something that I need to do, and its something that Im doing. Its something Im trying to understand and figure out…no matter how long it may take.
…and slowly it will happen.