Sometimes reading back over things I have written is something I enjoy doing…seeing how far we have come, seeing the things that caused me frustration then, often make me laugh now, if only I knew. Even though I did, I knew, that one day I would look back at those moments and wonder what I was thinking when I thought THAT was hard. Sometimes looking back over things is rather humorous, and sometimes…its just plain frustrating.
I like reading over things, because I really like to see the progress that has been made. I like to see the things that were hard then, and are nothing now. I like to be reminded that things weren’t always this way, that they wont always be this way, and that I should enjoy the here and now, because it wont last forever either.
But sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just get frustrated. I look back, read something and think “You idiot, if only you would have____” and fill in the blank with any number of things. Things that range anywhere from keeping my mouth shut, to taking a different job. Things that could have changed the there and then, but not there here and now, and I wonder why I didn’t. Realizing that in a few years, I will look back on today, and wonder the same thing, causes even more frustration.
I thought about deleting a bunch of things today. Things that I didn’t like, things that just rubbed me wrong, and things that I didn’t want to remember anymore. But I left them. Because this is who I am. This is where we have been. This is where we have come, and just because it frustrates me now, today. In a few days, weeks, even months…I might look back, and read the same thing and realize something completely different.
Its all here. Good, bad, ugly, and uglier. Death, life. Frustrations, accomplishments. Laid out just as complicated as it was the day I wrote it, and changing that wont change anything now. Changing the words I wrote then, wont change the outcome. It wont change the past any, and it wont change the future.
I write to remember. Not how I want to remember, not how I would like to look back, but how it was.
Frustrating, complicated, sad, happy, its all there.
The success as well as the failures.
And it wouldn’t be true, if I didn’t include them both.
So for now, I will leave it. Just the way it is. Complicated and frustrating, because one day, I hope to look back and realize that those complicated moments weren’t a waste. That it wasn’t a worthless waste of a day, and that I didn’t lead the perfect life, lived without frustrations.
It might not be how I would have had it, what I would have picked, or the way I would have chosen, but its how it is…and Im going to leave it, the past, just the way it was…