Here it goes…

I have a few things written up, and ready to post. But I havent posted them, or I have, but I have taken them down minutes later. Because lately, Ive been worried about what people think. Not here, online, but here, in real life. Ive went from not giving a damn what anyone thinks, and doing whatever it is I think needs to be done, to trying to please everyone again. A well known road to me. Ive been here before, trying to please everyone, and I know, it doesn’t work. I cant please everyone, I cant please anyone. But I always find myself gravitating back towards trying to make everyone happy. Which doesn’t ever work.

As a result, Ive found myself slinking back in what I say, both here, and everywhere else. I think about what Im going to say, and I rehash it…over and over and over. Until it makes absolutely no sense, and Im left wondering why I said what it is I said, and what it was I was trying to say in the first place, and why, really, does it even matter?

Most times, people really don’t care. Ive come to realize this. They don’t care if your out making a fool of yourself, infact, 99% of people arent paying attention to ME and my problems, and my kids. They may look occasionally, and stare more than once, but chances are, once they make it out those doors, their thoughts arent on me, and what I did wrong. While Im busy wondering if they are going to call someone in on me, or if I handled something wrong, they are thinking about whats for dinner, or why the car ahead of them is going so slow.

But there is the occasional person, who turns, stares, adds some snide comment, and throws me completely off track. Or someone challenges my decision, and I freak out and rehash everything Ive ever done. Or like last week, someone said something to me, that sounded as if they were accusing me of something, when in reality, I was simply stating that I didn’t want to do something. “It didn’t sound like it appealed to you” she said, getting closer than I was comfortable with, and as a result, I crumble, and say “Yes, yes, I will do whatever you want” because I don’t know what else to do.

Im not trying to say anything, really. Just that in life, as of lately, Ive been trying to please everyone, and as a result, have held back on saying much of anything here, online. Because that’s how it works.

But Im tired of not saying things, and Im tired of my draft folder filling up with things that I go through and edit, only to come back and change to the original format again. Im tired of seeing the same post up, and Im tired of trying to eliminate all the words “I” and “Im” because its clearly not going to work.

All that is to say, that Im going to just start posting it.

And most likely step on toes in the process, and make people mad, and not have everyone agree, and all that. Because I need to say it somewhere, and I cant say it out loud, so I might as well say it here, where atleast I can look back and remember thinking all these off the wall thoughts.

These are my thoughts, thoughts that are prone to changing randomly without any warning. Thoughts that say one thing one day, and the complete opposite the next. Im too frustrated to try and make sense of them anymore, and so instead…Im just going to say it how it comes out, the first time, where atleast there is a chance of them making somewhat sense. If even.

And just for the record, I do appreciate all the advice that is given to me.

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One comment

  1. Dave,
    Remember, my comments come with permission to disregard if they hurt, anger or otherwise cause you pain. Who the heck am I to tell you how to run your life? I do not presume to know how you feel, know your challenges or understand what works for you.

    My hope is that I can pass on some support to a guy who has taken on the huge task of raising 3 kids. Not for personal & not for personal satisfaction; just because the kids needed a home, a family, a chance and love.

    Deal with today and look forward to tomorrow. There is nothing you can do about the past but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter. It matters because it is part of who you are today. The kids past is part of who they are today and the adults they will become. You can’t change the past but putting pieces together can help answer questions and let go. Letting go doesn’t mean it goes away either, it just helps you put your past into perspective with your today and it allows you to make better choices – if you want to.

    Dave, I admire you and I do care about you and the kids. My life is busy and sometimes if think my brain has gone out to lunch (and dinner!) but sometimes in the car or when I find myslef surrounded by silence, I do think about you and the kids and I wish I could help you more.

    Kathy

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