I was fully set to post something today, I had written it late last week, and was ready to put it up this morning…but then I stopped, and thought a few minutes.
And didn’t post it.
Because who really cares?
I know I don’t.
Im quite honestly, tired of reading over what *I* think or how *I* thought. Infact, it seems that every thing I say has the word *I* in it somewhere, and as an attempt, I tried writing something without that letter. That word. The one that points all the attention to me me me. Because really, its not about me. Its not about how *I* think or what *I* want. Its about the kids…and whats best for them, and what they need…and somehow, I have turned that around…
I have been stalling out making a decision, a life changing decision because of how *I* have been thinking, or forbid, how *I* might feel.
“Stop it, just STOP” I told myself last night.
Having gone to bed early, and laying awake until the early hours of the morning…thinking of one thing.
Its not about me, or what I want. Its about them. And what they need. And what they arent getting.
I know Ive talked (on and on) about the subject, but really, its so close, and yet so far, from having an actual decision made. Knowing that if I (there I go again) hadn’t let myself get involved, if I hadn’t let myself care, if I had stuck with the rules I laid out for myself, the choice for THEM would be easier. Much easier.
It’s a constant swinging motion. Swinging back and forth between thinking *I* have it figured out, and realizing that *I* really don’t.
This morning, the kids missed the bus, which meant I needed to take them to school, which was really, no big deal. Except that Josh wasn’t dressed yet, because he doesn’t have to leave until an hour after they do. Which was fine too. After dropping the kids off, we began to make our way home…I looked back and caught a glimpse of Josh, sporting only ½ of his pjs, no shoes, and bed head. Just the way he had left the house.
I don’t know why, but the image made me mad.
Mad because I know this isn’t the best. Mad because I wish I could do better, but know I cant. Mad because he deserves better, but doesn’t know that. Mad because he doesn’t understand, and I cant explain it. Mad. Just. Mad.
I don’t understand, I swing back and forth, I know and then I don’t. I am solid on one issue, and change the next day. I say one thing and mean the other. I am 100% for two totally different subjects that contradict themselves. Simply put? I suck at this.
Its times like these, when I resort back to the only thing I really know best. I get angry.
At no one in particular. At everyone around. For being put in this situation, for being left this way. For getting upset at this, and that. When really no one had any say over any of it. I get mad at his mom, at his dad, at myself. At the state. At the random grocery worker. I play pass the blame, until I end up back where I started, and realize that is all in the past. That this is the now and here, and the only one stopping anyone is me.
And then I get mad at myself.
Because I don’t know what else to do.