I find myself in a library in Canada with less than an hour before I get on the ferry and head home. The timer in the corner reminds me that I have 27 minutes left before my time on the computer is done, and my mind is filled with thoughts. Im thinking of the kids, or whats happened, and what will happen. Im thinking of the changes that will be made, and how I don’t know what way is right, or wrong. But Im also thinking of how much I miss them, and how hard it has been to have been away this time. Im thinking of the phone conversation I had with Madison, and how she was so upset. Im thinking of the things that happened, that my mom did, and the respect I lost (if I had any) for her.
But I also find myself with another thought. A thought that I didn’t think I would honestly have again. A thought I didn’t think I would battle with, and a thought that I never entertained as an option TO have. This past week, I have found myself thinking of someone I know, and who knows me perhaps better than anyone in the world…and I have found myself missing her. I have found myself staying away late at night, thinking of this person, dreaming of her, and have even found myself admitting to her, that I love her.
But this is where it gets frustrating.
While most people would be overjoyed at the thought of a new start, at love again, at a relationship where the feelings are mutual….I find myself freezing. Freaking out. And even trying to tell myself to back away. I had the opportunity to meet her, an online friend I have known for years, but I passed it up. I said no. I drove away before I let myself entertain the thoughts of meeting her. Even though the truth is that I thought of her, and her alone the whole way down and back.
I don’t know, exactly, what Im afraid of. I don’t even know if its really fear itself. But rather the reality that I cant do this again. That I cant, and wont put someone through it again. That I made myself a promise years ago that I would never LOVE someone again…and here I am, professing love for someone I have never, technically met, but know better than I do anyone else. And would trust with anything and everything.
I have thought, these past few days, over the options. I have thought so hard that I woke up this morning with black bags under my eyes and a pounding head ache.
The plain and simple truth is that I don’t know.
I don’t know how it happened, when it happened, or if it will even happen.
I don’t know what to do, or where to turn.
I don’t want someone telling me to just go for it, because she has told me that already, and I trust her more than anyone.
I don’t need any more options.
I just don’t know what to do, except it isn’t in a bad way this time.
I find myself writing letters, getting excited, and telling her things that I swore I would never tell another human being again. And yet…in the middle of Canada, with thoughts heavy on my mind…I find myself smiling, laughing, and even getting excited.
I tell her that I need to take myself back to reality, and she tells me this is reality.
She completes my sentences, my thoughts and my life…but I pull back, and try to push away, because while it is great, and while I feel so alive and free when I talk to her, I know it cant ever go any further. I know it shouldn’t go any further.
I just wish, sometimes…in a small little way…that this reality, could be mine.
Please excuse any errors…I dont have spell check.