I don’t know how many times I have signed on today, with the intentions of taking the past three days down. Because if I take them off, they will go away, right? But when I get on here, I realize once again, that no matter how hard I try, no matter how far I run, no matter WHAT I do, or WHERE I go, I will still have the same problems, I can run from anyone, but I cant ever outrun myself. I cant ever outrun my problems. I cant ever leave myself behind and just…go. I cant take down the past, I cant make it disappear, I can pretend it didn’t happen, but that wont change the outcome. I can stall, but it wont change the future.
But I still cant get my mind clear enough to say, with clear words, and thoughts what I mean. What I want. Because I still havent been able to find a way to make people understand.
It may not be this way, but this is how it is to me, and that makes it all the more real, to me atleast.
Im having to choose. Between kids. Im having to pick my favorites, and say my reasons…and its not something Im able to do right now, and I don’t know if its something I will ever be able to do.
Ive tried to find the things I wrote, that I could link back to say and sat “This is what Im referring to” but the further I look, the more things I remember, and the more my heart breaks for the little boy who wont ever know that he didn’t do anything wrong.
I stupidly made the conscious choice to let myself love these kids like my own, and that has only proven to make this decision, even more difficult. I stupidly let myself get close to them, to let myself *Think* that this was the beginning on a new year, and we were going to tackle it, think or thin, together. I don’t know how I could really be so stupid sometimes, but I am. Because now its all coming back to bite me. Or kick me. Or defeat me. Im not sure. Only time will tell.
I knew where I was going, about a month ago. Going somewhere, wherever, if didn’t really matter. Because we were going there; and we would get there, together. But now…Now I don’t know. Now the only thing that is certain is were going in circles, and the circles are just prolonging the actual process that will once again hurl us down the road of the unknowns…and while I know it might be best…while I know it might be worth it, while I know that it might be the best…I don’t know if it is, for certain. For 100% fact, that is the best…and that, combined with the fact that I have let myself, and the love for the kids get in the way…has made this a very difficult few weeks…
And Im still, just as sure as I was a few days ago: Unsure. About anything.