Wishing I knew…

I will say now, that no decisions have been made. I don’t even know if Im going to make a decision. I don’t know, honestly. I just don’t know, but I think I already covered that.

I have been talking with a friend of mine, who knows the situation about as well as anyone…I have been rereading her emails, over and over, trying to get some last bit of information, having really, no idea what to do, or where to go.

I mentioned it to someone else this evening, that I had a decision that I really needed to make, but didn’t want to. And she replied, guessing that I was talking about Josh, and giving him up. Her words, although not intentional Im sure, were blunt. She said basically that Josh wont understand anyways, so its not going to hurt him any. He wont know, so it should be ok. Then she went on to say that if I do Get rid of him to make sure I atleast gave him to someone who would do better with him. Im trying not to get hung up on them, because I know they weren’t meant the way I took them (and I really appreciate different opinions)…but dammit…as if it weren’t hard enough.

My biggest fear is that Josh will grow up and NOT know. That he wont have ANY clue that there are or were, and always will be people out there who love him. You hear stories about kids who were adopted out into families who truly do love them, but they never tell them about their real family, and as a result the kid grows up thinking that no one out there from their real family cared enough to even stay in contact. I know this. Ive been there. I get that. And it sucks. I don’t want that for him.  But maybe none of that matters.

These past three days have been really hard.

Its like everyone is already counting Josh off. Like he doesn’t REALLY matter because he doesn’t REALLY understand anyways.

But like I tried to explain to that same person earlier, no, he doesn’t understand my words. He understands actions. He knows, that if I come back, over and over and over, that I most likely WILL continue to come back. Ive told him that I wont leave him, Ive told him this, and while he may not understand this, I have also followed up with actions. I have always come back for him. Hes finally starting to realize this.

But I also know it doesn’t stop there. I want the best for him, I really, truly, honestly do. I just don’t know what the best is.

I read back over everything I had written, starting before I even got him back. Reading over everything. Where I promised that I would fight to the end, to get him.

I just don’t want to screw anything up anymore.

Someone asked me tonight if I was, and I said I was fine, because I was going to try and be. But the honest truth of it all is that Im not. Im not ok. I want someone to tell me that it will be ok. Even though I know it wont be. I want to see to the end of this hellish road that it seems were starting all over again, and know when, or if its going to end. I want to see twenty years in the future, and see how Josh turns out. I NEED to know whats best, and I just don’t…

I know what everyone else thinks is best. Hes been counted off by just about everyone…why am I still trying? What am I holding onto? What am I trying to hope for?

“I know what decision I have to make, I just don’t want to make it” is what I said.
Her reply was “Because you are to attached to him…”

And I don’t think there are words that have hurt that bad in a long time.

I certainly hope I am not trying to dampen his future because I am attached to him. I certainly HOPE I am not trying to hold him back from all the wonderful possibilities because I am attached to him. I HOPE I AM NOT SCREWING UP LIVES BECAUSE I AM ATTACHED TO THEM. Because DAMMIT that’s just not right.

Its not fair. Its not fair that he cant understand, that I cant give him more. Its just not fair that this cant work out…It isn’t. Its not fair to him. He deserves so much MUCH more. More than I could give him, yes. But he also deserves so MUCH more than what has been given TO him, and what anyone else could give to him. He deserves SO much more. So much.

I read back over everything I had written and labeled “Kids.” I read what they had said, and smiled at memories.  One or two caught my attention. I wonder if its just me, making something out of nothing.

But that’s just one side.

My mind fights over what side is right. The side that says keeping him here is the best, is quickly outnumbered by the thoughts that yell Im ruining any chance of a future for him.

I like to think that I love them so much, that if it were best for him, I would look into other options, but I think there might be some truth to what was said earlier…maybe I am just to attached to him. Maybe, just maybe…I let myself, get in the way, of whats really best.

I promised I would fight for him, I promised it would be ok:

“I wont stop fighting for you, no matter what…If you can fight, then so can I…it’s the least I can do for you…” – Just a note to say…5-14-09

“Sometimes all I can do is whisper to him that its ok, that hes ok, and that everything will be ok. I can only hope that it is. That he is, and that everything else will be as well.” – Its all I can do 2-24-09

Are they just empty threats? Do they matter, considering he probably wont remember them, and he most likely didn’t understand them? Does it mean nothing that he has close enough to be, siblings? Does giving him up mean I should reconsider my decision to take on the older two as well?

I just wish I knew. I really wish I knew.  Im trying desperatly to seperate fact from fiction.  Truth from false.  Fact from opinion.  But Im having a real difficult time.  Im trying to remind myself that this isnt the death sentence, even though it weighs on me like it is.  I just wish.  So bad.  That I knew.

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