I just…

Someone casually asked me how I was last night, and while my intentions were good, I muttered something out like “I just…I just…I just” while they stared at me as if I had two heads, and then I just nodded and walked off…because I just…I just…I just.

Its like my mind is blank, completely blank. Its empty. Its full. Full of nothing. And so that makes it either completely full or completely empty…and to be honest, I don’t really know what it is at the moment.

Im just lost, and that’s all I know.

Lost with my thoughts, with my words, with my decisions. One minute I think I have it all figured out, and the next is a caravan of thoughts that I don’t even know where came from. I know this probably sounds random, completely random. But its not. Its been building. For some time…I just havent said anything, because I just don’t know how.

Ive reached the place where I need to make a decision. A decision regarding Josh. Anyone whos read anything will most likely know where I am heading with this, and while I really don’t want to carry on with this thought train…I kind of need to. Because I need to get it out. I need to understand. I need to…

I just don’t know what to do. I cant place the emphasis on the words like I would like, because it changes every few minutes. My mind is completely swimming with thoughts, its flooded, overwhelmed, yet oblivious at the same time to the impact this decision will have.

I just don’t know. I just…DON’T know. I JUST don’t know. I just…don’t KNOW! I just don’t know. I don’t, and I don’t know how else to say it. Ive turned those words into clichés faster than anything I know. “Just” and “Don’t.” Because right now, they are the only two words that make sense.

Because I don’t. I really don’t know.

This past month, I have been pondering over something. Approaching it quietly, feeling it out. Wondering about it, but not wanting to believe it. And not even daring to say it.

Ive worked this hard, for this long, and I wasn’t going to give up. But things…have changed…and Ive reached the point that I don’t know what is best for Josh. The only thing I do know, is that he isn’t getting the help he needs from me, that he isn’t making the progress he needs, and that he just isn’t getting what he needs from me. I could change it. I could quit my job, stay home with him, and devote my time, 24/7 to him. But eventually there are bills that would need paid, and not to mention the other two who I would have to completely cut out…and it all just sounds so unfair.

To all involved.

I just…

I never imagined this day coming, these thoughts arriving, this…place being a reality. I didn’t. When I fought to get him back, I was fighting for him for life. I was fighting to get him, to keep him, to love him, forever. No matter what. Good, bad and ugly. I was ready. I needed to do it…

And now,

Im completely dissolved.

I don’t know what is best for him, I don’t know if this is best for him, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder…and the more I realize, and the more I know, and the more I just don’t want to think about it, because if I don’t think about it, it will all go away, right?

Someone who knows where Im currently at in this situation asked a very thought provoking question last night, a question that had me up all night thinking about. She asked:

“Can you live with yourself for doing the right thing for the kid”

And I didn’t, and still don’t. Have an answer.

Part of my mind thinks I know what the right thing is, and the other part doesn’t. One part of my mind says the right thing is to, try and give him better help here, and the other says I cant. One part wants to try harder, do more, do ANYTHING for the kid, and the other says I wont ever come close.

What is the right thing for him? I don’t even know what is, so how can I even try and give it to him. I don’t know what it is, so how could I live with myself for doing it? I don’t know. Im confused. My head hurts from thinking so long, and I just cant go any further with these thoughts. I just don’t know. I don’t.

I don’t know where to go, what to do, or how to think…I just, don’t.


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