I have so much to say…

Its been a while since I have been in this position, with so much to say I don’t know if I will ever get it all out. Lately its been a struggle just to say one thing, and that one thing that I do end up saying is usually downward, negative or depressing.

But today, for whatever reason I just want to say everything…at once. And that too, can get a little complicated.

At the same time Im trying to write about this recent trip I just got back from, Im all fired up about Josh, and autism, and well…everything that happened, has happened, and will happen, even though nothing has actually really happened. Talk about a tongue twister.

I left…Thursday.

For a funeral of my cousin.

Something that I don’t ordinarily go for, I don’t “Do” funerals, and I wasn’t particularly close to any of my family members. A friend asked me why I had went, and I don’t and didn’t have an answer. I don’t know why I went. I made it through about ½ of the actual funeral, then left. Because I don’t “Do” funerals. Being surrounded by that many people, around a casket, knowing what is inside, knowing the people who are heartbroken beyond believe…and I cant stand there very long.

My mom wanted to go to the house afterwards, and as a result, I was introduced to family members from around the country side. People I didn’t know existed, and in a way make me more mad than glad. An exchange of addresses, the promise of Christmas cards that will most likely be forgotten by next year, and a few beers later, my mom and I left. No, I didn’t drink. Even though I could have, and wanted to, but I held to the excuse that I had to drive, and since my mom was drunker than a door knob, there wasn’t any way I could. Unless I wanted to stay the night. Which I didn’t.

Yesterday was the 19th, and while I tried, to write something it just wouldn’t come. What does the day matter anymore?

After a long day, of driving, walking, swearing, and walking some more, I managed to return the car my mom had rented, and make it to the airport. Which ensured more swearing because I was a few hours early, and you arent able to smoke inside of airports. After almost missing my flight (don’t ask, I always have troubles in airports) it was a bumpy ride home, before unloading a ½ hour early. Retrieving my luggage, catching the ferry, locating my truck (and a ticket) and heading home. It was a long day.

But then came the kids.

I didn’t really realize how much I had missed them until I pulled into the driveway and saw two heads sticking out the window. And heard all about their adventures, their 5 days “Away” and everything in between. Josh was already in bed, but I got the low down on him too.

With January (almost) out of the way, it seems to free up a lot of things.  A new perspective, and a new outlook – one that seems, almost doable.

Were getting back in the swing of things, figuring everything out again, and trying to remember how things go. Or atleast, I am. And for now, its one day at a time. Taking things slowly, and not taking advantage of the things, or people, I have. One day at a time, seems to work the best, atleast for now.



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