Things like this always come easy to other people. For some reason, I always find myself at a loss for words around other people especially. If I cant see the words Im about to say, then I usually don’t say too much, or what I do end up saying is a bunch of nothing that really makes no sense. Its bad enough when I can see what Im writing, and erase the things that don’t make sense. Or not.
My cousin passed away this morning.
Its been a whirlwind of a day, with complications, and ponderings.
The problem is, when I see people in these situations, one of two thoughts usually enter my mind: Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. Please stop crying. I have been known to say this a few times to people, not because I mean anything harsh by it, but because I don’t like to see people cry, and instead of just shutting up my mind races with thoughts on how to get the person to be happy again.
At all the wrong times.
And no, I dont know why. I don’t think its funny, I don’t mean to laugh. But I sometimes find myself in the midst of a laugh – at all the wrong moments – like when everyone else is crying.
Im at a loss as to what to say, even now. Here. Tonight.
My cousin has a five year old son. Joshs age. She has a sister. She has parents. She has a husband. I can relate in so many ways that it just isn’t funny (and yet I find myself wanting to laugh at the thought).
My mom started crying. And of course. I told her to stop. To please stop. Not to cry. To please stop crying, and then proceeded NOT to freak out because she wasn’t stopping.
I didn’t call anyone, because I wouldn’t know what to say.
Im suppose to go down there, sometime…for the funeral. But I don’t want to, I don’t know what to say, and I know that in these times the stupidest things can hurt someone, and I don’t want to hurt them anymore than they have already been hurt. Plus I have excuses. And a lot of them.
My mom made phone calls today. Then she relayed them all to me. Including the message that her dad left on her phone that bluntly said “She died this morning, good bye.” All things that literally make me sick, to the center. Sick to think about. To remember. To relive. To know.
I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to say it. There isn’t a nice way to say it. There isn’t anything nice about it. Shes gone. That sucks. This is just the beginning.
And that sucks the most.
Because while she may not be hurting anymore, her family, her son, her husband, her parents, her sister…are left behind to pick up the pieces. The end of her pain, is just the beginning of theirs. And that sucks. It just does. There just isn’t any other way to say it. Death sucks.
My status is changed, is yours?