It gets me every time

I like to think I have come a “Long way” but these days get me every time…I could repeat myself, again and again, but Im kind of “stuck” at the moment…Its been two years since I have written that, but today those thoughts are familiar.

January 8, 2008

Ive purposely flipped the calendars ahead a month, Ive ripped some down, and not hung them up, Ive told myself over and over that its not going to happen again, and that, it really will be alright, yet somehow, i cant make myself feel as ok as I say it is. It will be three years this Friday. Three years. Do you have any idea how long that is? How incredibly long it is to go without holding, or seeing, your baby girl for three years? I do. Its a damn damn DAMN long time. To long, if you ask me. “I dont understand you” Is what I yelled at myself last night.

***

I dont, I just dont understand myself, and if I cant even understand myself, how am I suppose to understand someone else, or something else. I dont understand how this can make your whole body feel like its been rung out and by the time the actual day does get around to coming your so exhausted you could really, care less. I dont understand why I am this way. Why some people can buck up and move on, and I have a hard time just grasping the mere thought. I dont understand myself.

***

They let her die. I let her die. I watched her die. I took their word for things, I didnt think that anyone could just stand by and let her die, I mean she wasnt going to. But I stood there, for three f*ing days, watching her get worse,

***

I tried, but it didnt help.

***

I Should have fought harder, she couldnt. I could. I should have fought for her. I should have done more. But I stood, and I watched. And I waited. For someone else to take over. I watched as she died, and I listened as she cried. I felt her pain, and wanted nothing more than to take it from her. But I did nothing to act on it. I watched. I stared.

***

I didnt fight for more, I took his answers, and I went with them. I didnt listen to her as she cried for help. I didnt listen to her when she asked me to make it better. But I listened to them when they told me shed die. Why. Why was I so f*ing stupid? Why didnt I just do something more. Why didnt I demand more for her, wasnt she worth more?

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One comment

  1. Oh my Dave!
    Do you really think that you let Molly die? Oh no my friend, please – please don’t believe that. Please.

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