Help, Im alive

You ever had those moments? The ones where you realize for whatever reason, that your alive, and not sure how that happened?

Ive written enough about death, I think Ive earned atleast one post about about life.

Im not saying that for the past amount of time I thought I was dead…just more or less a realization that I am alive, sort of thing, I don’t really know how to explain it.

For the first time, in a long time, I think Im starting to realize…I think were starting to inch back to that place that so long ago was referred to as normal. But Im not sure really, what to do with it, or how to deal with this. Its kind of, weird.

For the past amount of time, weve just been…drifting. Before that, it was waiting. A constant looking over the shoulder, checking in with the state, making sure everything is being done “Right.” After a while, I guess you just get used to it, it becomes the way of life, the “Normal” you just go with it. I almost wish it were still that way, because atleast then, I knew what was expected, had someone telling me the boundaries, and while it was less than pleasant to deal with all of it, you know where to go, and what was coming next. The storm had already hit, you didn’t have to wait for it to come…you just had to get through it.

But lately, its like waiting. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the storm to finally hit, and the worse to happen…all over again.

A few weeks ago, I began to entertain a different thought. A random off the wall thought that at first, I didn’t like. “What if” I thought. “This is it.” What if. This is that “Normal” that people all to often refer to . What if this is the end of that long road, and the starting of a new one. What if this is it. This is where we get off one train, and catch another. What if.

Its been a long, long time since I have entertained a what if thought, that went that direction.

I set it aside for a while, and picked it up again today.

What if?

What if this is the journey to the rest of our lives? What if this is the end of all the crazy whacked out stuff that has happened? What if from here on out, this is it? What if…?

Is this that place? The place that people talk about, the place you reach when you’ve went through the “Proper steps” achieved the proper requirements, stepped right three times, and turned around once? Is this the place that people refer to as being normal? I cant remember, its been so long.

Is this what life without the constant worry and wonder is like? Is this what life on the less bumpy road is like? Is this it?

And while part of me wants to jump up and down and be so happy that were here, if this is it…That we actually made it, mostly alive and well…

Another part wills me to stay back. To hang back. To hold back. To step back. To wait.

If this is the place, that we have worked so hard to reach, then why, I ask myself, am I hanging back.

If the place that we have worked so hard to get to, is in arms reach…why am I holding back?

Confusion, frustration, uncertainty, worry, fear….all these thoughts take residence, and instead of fully grasping that this might be the path to that place that we have worked so hard to reach…I want to hang back just a while longer and wait. Check it out from a distance, hold on to the familiar, hang with the past, and not let go.

I will my arms to be just a little shorter, so this change isn’t so tangible.

For so long we have been on this road, this road that has been less than pleasant, this road that has been filled with death, and pain, and sadness. This road that has been pure hell, this road that I have wondered when it will end, and if we will even make it to that “Other side” that they all talk about. This road that has torn everything we knew, from top to bottom,. It has been filled with courts, and lawyers, and social workers, therapist, appointments, hoops to jump through. But its familiar. I know this road. I don’t claim to understand it, but I know it. Im well acquainted. Ive met so many people here, and can relate so well to them…and now, with what appears to be the “New start” in arms reach, Im shrinking back. Not wanting to get off. Not wanting to be ready for this.

I don’t want to give up the familiar, for the unfamiliar. Im worried that I will jump off too soon, accept this, and then watch as it all crumbles. I wonder what this new road will be like, this road that I don’t know, that I havent even checked out yet. Im worried that taking the kids off this familiar path of life, and branching out for a new one will change their lives…for the worse. I wonder if letting go of this, and starting over new, will somehow forfeit everything weve worked so hard for, or worse, toss us back to the beginning of the all to familiar path.

But I also wonder, like with so many other decisions I have made…if this…this final leap…will somehow loose the memories and love from the past.

Like so many other times, Im confused. I see both sides. I fear change. I shrink back.

I want it…but I don’t know if I really, honestly, truly, do.


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