Out of focus

You know how sometimes pictures can be taken, and later you realize that they were out of focus? Or that you weren’t focused on the image you were hoping for? I hate that feeling, mostly because I don’t know what to do about it, and the moment or image I was hoping to capture is over.

That seems how life has been for me lately.

Out of focus.

And by the time I realize it, the moment is already gone.

Lately, I have been focused in on all the wrong things, everything else has been out of focus, while I spent the majority of my time focused in on the “Unfocused” areas. Did that make any sense?

I look back over the past, year or so, and all I see is a big blur. A mess of papers, and appointments, courts, therapist, people. Everything is somewhat mingled together. I read back over the things I have written down, and I ask myself when that happened, because I honestly don’t remember it. Which causes me to ask myself if I really am going crazy, and perhaps now would be a good time to check myself in, because atleast I still remember my name.

Ive been trying, lately, to remind myself of these small facts. When I get caught up in something, I try to tell myself to step back, and give it time. To watch from a safe distance, instead of getting so close that I can no longer see the whole picture. But its been difficult. When I see something going wrong, I automatically want to jump in the middle of it, and fix it. Then jump out. I don’t want to wait, and survey the situation, unless Im procrastinating, which, we all know I can do really well. I also like to ignore certain things in hopes that they will just…go away.

But lately, Ive found myself in the middle of some mess’ that I shouldn’t be in. For numerous reasons.

Ive been trying to remind myself to let it play out, to see what happens, to step back, to not get overly involved, to try and focus on the important things, the positive. The right. Not the wrong. But I find it hard. Real hard.

Especially when it involves the kids.

Josh has been struggling with school. With potty training. With sleeping through the night. Hes been doing more back tracking than he has been progress, and I find myself wanting to jump in and drag him out of this flunk. To pull him forward, and keep him from slipping back, even though I know that the back stepping is all part of the process.

I find it hard to sit and wait.

I get focused in on the small, unimportant-in-the-whole-scheme-of-things, details, and loose focus on the bigger picture. I forget all the progress he HAS made this past year, and worry that he wont ever make it out of kindergarten.

I get focused in on things like a job, and my mom, and the laundry pile…that I totally forget that there is more to life than working to please someone. Its not like I need much help forgetting about the laundry pile, but sometimes it takes over (literally) and I forget that the kids could care less if their clothes are cleaned today or tomorrow. I forget that there is more than flash cards, and bath time. That raising kids isn’t like raising chickens. Or cattle. That they need more than to fed and watered. That they need interaction, and attention. That they need more than a cardboard cut out to be happy. I forget that there is more to life than working. That it doesn’t matter what I do for work, so long as Im home by 2 to get Josh off the bus…because if Im not, I might as well kiss him good bye, because his world will end right there.

I forget sometimes that bed time doesn’t ALWAYS have to be a hassle, that they will survive if they get to sleep 10 minutes after 9, instead of on the hour.

I get distracted, my focus is shifted. My attention divided. And before I know it, Im a robot trying to function in a human infested world. Im just a number. The kids are just  numbers.  Numbers on the chart, watching the clock tick, trying to do everything exactly the way it was done the day before…and pretty soon, I blend in with everyone else. Walking fast, not turning to say hello, so wrapped up in my world that I cant see anyone else’s perspective, and before I know it, Im just like everyone else out there who wants someone to please them.

There is more to life than this. More to life than worry and stress, and fighting to be right. There is more to life than the blurred vision that is laid out before me.  I just need to adjust my focus, is all.

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