…and just briefly I find myself wishing.
Wishing my way out of this “New life” that has been created. This “New normal” That has become, well, normal. Wishing myself back, into those days before staring into deep blue eyes, and a big smile would make my spine tingle. Wishing myself back into those days where her smile could light up my day, not break my heart…all over again.
I know I should be happy, and I am. Really, despite the looks of things lately, I usually am fairly happy. Able to see through the dusk, and dark days and into the bright future where these kids lives will eventually take them. But some days, well, nights, its just not enough. When the house is quiet, and the toys are still, when the floor isn’t crawling with action, and yelling and laughing isn’t distracting me. When things are still, and quiet…
I find myself where no parent wishes to be.
Because no one, can ever fill the hole that belongs to her.
I miss her so much, that sometimes she seems so close. Sometimes, I think that if I could just close my eyes long enough, and hold her close enough…that maybe, just maybe, she will come back. That if I turn around three times, sit down once, before opening my eyes, that maybe somehow that will break the code, and she will be here.
But Im left with pictures.
Pictures that hold memories. Happy times. People who are still here, and still make life worth living. But pictures that hold empty hope. The hope that she still will come back. That her memory still is alive. That she means something to me, and that maybe, just maybe, that will be enough.
I used to wake up every morning, close my eyes, and force them open…and plead. That just for one more day, she could be here. That for one more day I could hold the little angel that made my life, worth living. That for just one more minute, I could hold her, love her, hug her…
I wake up now, knowing that shes gone. That shes not coming back, and that it has to be ok.
Because I have three reasons to get out of bed, and go on with the day.
…and most days, it IS ok. It really is.
But some nights, when things are quiet. When my mind is silent. Her memory comes dancing in, and I find myself missing her…and wishing, once more, to hold her, and tell her…just how much she meant to me, something I took advantage of.
Instead, I will hug the kids extra tight, tell them I love them, and make sure I don’t have any regrets.
Because sometimes, living with regrets is the hardest, living with the guilt is hard, and living without her, is just too much.