There. Its out.

Ill do my best to explain it, with words that I can understand, which most likely will mean, little words. Small words. Words that…wont make much sense.

I have a friend, who I have written about once, maybe twice. Someone I met a long while ago, and consider to be among the few I consider friends. Last night she invited us down to her place for Thanksgiving. She said a few kind words about her family being our family, and even offered to make pie. I smiled. Nodded my head. Agreed that it sounded like a good, wonderful, fun, exciting idea…

But then it happened.

Like it often does.

I found myself wishing to be hugging the floor. Instead of making plans. Plans for the future. Plans to meet someone I have never met before. Plans. Any sort of plans. Plans for the holidays. But mainly, just plan…for something we might, I might, enjoy.

It happens.

More often than I care to admit.

I cant make sense of it, don’t claim to have it all figured out. Don’t even want to attempt to understand it. But sometimes, I wonder if I should even HAVE a friend, this friend…this person that I don’t really deserve to know. I find myself stepping back, second guessing, shutting down, and shoving away.

It happens.

Atleast to me.

I have the right mind to say yes, and go forward with it. To bring myself to the end of this life with worry and stress about it. Just because. But I wont. I know I wont. Which is the only way I can calm myself down sometimes, is talk to myself, and decide against doing something I already decided to do.

I don’t know why, I don’t know how. I just know it happens.

I don’t let myself, get close. To anyone.

And when I do, when I find myself slipping, and getting close, getting to know someone, and really starting to look forward to someone or something…I stop. I push back and run. Because of what it means, to me. In my mind.

If I get to close to someone, or something. If I let myself love, or like even. If I show any hints of enjoying anything or anyone…something in me snaps, and says “Woah, hold on, remember last time”…and I do. Remember, last time. I don’t want to go back, don’t want to relive the past. I don’t want to ruin anything, or anyone else again, and so I stop. I hold back, step back.

Its been a real struggle, this past year. To let myself, or force myself, rather. To love the kids. Something that should (and does) come so naturally…but is something that goes against everything, and anything I believe. Its been a real struggle, a real balancing act, a constant battle. Something I struggle with every day. How much should I love them? When is it too much? When will it harm them? It gets to me, sometimes. If I love too much, then something could happen. If I let them love, I could hurt them. I could make myself crazy over those thoughts. But the truth is, I already am. Crazy, that is.

When it comes to people, real people. Real friends, real honest people who want to love, and be loved. I find myself slipping back, pushing away. I find myself wanting to run. To let go, and just…forget.

It’s a daily battle. Its something that haunts me. That drives me nuts. That controls my life.

…and I will admit.

It is something that keeps me up at night.

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3 comments

  1. Wow Dave, you just said volumes!

    I am no expert but I do think I understand where some of your not wanting to let people get too close and your fear of giving and getting love.

    Hey, my friend you have lost a wife, a daughter and a niece (I think) that you were raising. That is more loss than most people your age experience until they are my age! It is very obvious that you loved them all very much and their loss still weighs heavy in your heart.

    Sooo, Dr. Kathy here thinks you are protecting yourself from the pain you experienced and continue to experience from the loss of people you loved more than you love yourself. On top of that I think you carry some unwarranted blame for the loss of your family. Definitely unwarranted because I doubt you could have done anything that would have allowed any of them to still be here.

    You said that you don’t want to ruin anything or anyone again. Dave, what or whom did you ruin? Okay, you made some bad choices and you lost Madi, Dylan and Josh for a while. Those were mistakes and bad choices that you have decided to address and change. Why? My guess is you would say for the kids but Dave, you want to be a better person, which is why you have changed. You have to want to change for you. Every time you struggle and you want to say to hell with it because sometimes life is just too hard – you hang in there. Making that choice is for the kids, yes, but it is for you too.

    Dave, you are a nice guy with a big heart. You deserve to be happy and enjoy life. Give friendship a try my friend (who is safely at a distance of how many hundreds of miles).

    1. The thing I find the most interesting, Kathy, is that the people who actually give me their permission to tell them to “Piss up a rope” (I like that, btw 🙂 are the people who I dont mind giving me advice…most likely because those are the kind of people who have learned by experience, and arent just trying to shove their opinions are you, while watching and waiting for you to screw up the next move so they could say “Told you so”…but I digress. I do appreciate the advice that you (and everyone else on here) have given. Thanks a bunch.

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