…or maybe I dont.
I don’t know why, but I always feel the need to be constantly apologizing.
This afternoon I called my mom again, and walked away wondering, once again, why…
Why do I bother, every weekend, to go down, and fork out over $3 in quarters, while the kids sit in the car trying not to kill each other, while she informs me, of once again, how little I know…and I spent the majority of my time…apologizing. Over and over. For not knowing, or understanding. For not doing better, or being a better person. For not calling more, or talking more.
…and then I leave, and spent the rest of the week trying to pick myself up, before calling her again.
Im not trying to bash her, or talk bad about her behind her back. No. Im just trying to understand, and figure out just how much of what she says every week, is true.
Im not claiming to know everything, or be on top of things the way I should. I don’t mean to say that I have this all figured out. I don’t even mean to give the impression that I am doing a good job.
I think sometimes, I give the wrong impression, don’t ask me how. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the one thing Im good at, giving the impression that I am actually good at this. Im not sure. But people seem to be constantly reminding me that Im not. As if I don’t, somehow, already know.
Im trying, but Im flying by the seat of my pants, trying to figure things out, making spur of the moment decisions that come back to bite me later on. I try to figure things out, but I spent a majority of my time fixing mistakes, and patching things up…just long enough. I don’t know where she got the idea that I thought I knew what I was doing. Don’t know where she came up with the idea that she had to remind me, weekly. I already know. I already, know.
When Madison comes home in tears because someone said something mean, and I don’t know what to say except boil inside about the cruelty of kids who really don’t understand. I know.
When Dylans grades go up and down faster than the stock market. I know.
When I “Forget” to run Josh through his flash cards, and am in too big of a hurry to get him dressed in the morning, to actually give him the chance to learn. I know.
When I lay awake at night, wondering how to make the best of our time, what things to cut out, and how to save just THATMUCHMORE. I know.
When I look at the pictures of things I had, and no longer do. I know.
When I see other people. I know.
When people stare, and point, and try to make subtle comments to tell me that Im messing everything up. I already know.
When I finally attend a meeting with a teacher, and am told that I need to work on things better, starting with coming the first time Im told, not the third or fourth attempt…I know. I know. I know.
I already know.
When I have to decide if leaving the kids at night, or not being there when they get off the school. I know.
When people tell me, and I pretend I havent heard that before, just incase there is something I havent heard yet…I know.
When people point out the obvious, and state the simple. Over and over and over. I know.
I already KNOW.
I know I need to do better, work harder, try longer, give more. I KNOW. I do know.
If I appear that I don’t, its just because I don’t know what to say, or I think that maybe you will say it a different way, and I will be able to get some useful information.
But the truth is, I do know.
I know. Im sorry, and I will try harder.