October 22, 2002 – January 11, 2005
Happy seventh Birthday, Emmy.
I miss you like crazy, and love you forever. Keep smiling, little one. Keep smiling.
I sit here tonight, on the evening of what would have been your seventh birthday, listening to the rain fall and the wind blow. It much like it was the day you were born, a typical stormy October evening. I cant erase the thoughts, I cant help myself but wonder just what you would be doing, who you would be becoming, what your attitude would be, and all of that stuff that really doesn’t matter until you just don’t have it anymore.
I ask myself all the time, how I live without you? How do I live without the things that really made the world worth living in? How do I live without waking up and seeing your smile, or coming home to your hugs, or kisses? Why do I bother in this world, when your not here to bother for? I guess the answer would have to be, because I have to. It doesn’t mean that its been easy, its been far from easy. People say that with time, it becomes easier, and while that is true…there are some parts that time just wont heal. But that’s ok. It really is. Because if time healed everything, then it would erase your memory from my mind completely. Id rather live with the pain and your memory, than no pain, and no memory.
I miss you, so much little princess. I miss your smiles, your hugs, your kisses, your laugh. I miss all the things I took advantage of, all the things I thought I would have a life time to enjoy. I miss you, and who you would be today. I feel cheated sometimes, that I only got to know you for two years, but I feel luckier than ever to have been able to call you mine, for those two years. You gave me a reason and hope, when there wasn’t any to be found. You gave me someone to love when I didn’t think love was possible. You gave me a reason, when I didn’t think there was one. And in a way, you have given me strength to face this world alone.
Emmy, there are so many things I want to tell you, but I don’t think I could even do justice with words. I can only say I love you so many times before it turns into a cliché. I can only say how much I miss you, before it looses all meaning.
Life certainly wont ever be the same. It wont ever be how it was before you, because before you came, I didn’t know it was possible to love and be loved by someone so tiny. Before you, I lived for the future. The what could be, and what might be someday. It wont ever be the same as life with you, because life with you was filled with innocent bliss that came before knowing just how hard your world COULD be rocked. I lived in the present, with you, right then. It wont ever be the same as life after you, because when you left, your absence shook my world harder than it has been shook before. The first few years, I lived for the past. The what was, what I knew, and what I loved.
Its different now, little one. Life is different. Now, being able to look back, I like to think I can take the best of all three worlds. The living for the future, the importance of living in the present, and loving those you have now, and of course, keeping the past, because that past makes you who you are…but learning to keep the past, in the past, knowing that you wont ever be able to go back…and relive what already was.
My little angel, I miss you so much, and if I could…I would tell you just how much you meant to me, and how much I love you. I can only hope you know.
Ill love you forever,