Another year

Its been a year.

One year.

Since Josh came home. Where, has the time gone?

I was thinking about it earlier this afternoon. A year ago, he came home on a three month basis, and a year later, he is here. To stay. For good. Its over.

I was thinking back over the past year, trying to think what his “BIGGEST” accomplishment to date, would be.  And for a while, I was really hung up. Would it be the fact that he is (sometimes) using the bathroom? Would it be the fact that he is going to school, and riding the bus? Would it be that hes learning, growing and changing daily? Would it be the diagnosis? What should I focus on? Which of these already big accomplishment would be considered the biggest?

It hit me sometime this afternoon, that I was missing it.  I was missing everything, altogether. I was focused in on his accomplishments, that yes, have been great and big, and have made us proud. But they didn’t hold anything to what I would honestly consider his GREATEST accomplishment.  Who cares about biggest?

A year ago, when he came home, he was terrified. Timid, and very un-trusting. I think it goes without saying that he has come a long way in this area. When he first arrived, he would spend hours in a corner, alone, watching as the world spun by, watching things, but never daring to step in himself. Never daring to get involved. One of the hardest things was watching him freak out when Madison or Dylan got too close, and knowing that he didn’t trust them.  Knowing that he didn’t want anything to do with them, and would have been perfectly happy if they stayed away all day.

He made it obvious, that he wanted nothing to do with them.  At all.

Ive lost track of how many times Madison asked me when he would like her again. I don’t know how many times I tried to tell them to “Just give him time, and space…yes…space.”  Because it seemed the only thing that made him a little less uneasy about the whole set up, was space.  But as time wore on, it was impossible to go through a day without some sort of major freak out of his part.  Dylan would absentmindedly sit by him, Madison would breeze past, and I was constantly stepping over those invisible lines that he had drawn.

Perhaps the hardest thing about getting him back was knowing that I could fix a lot of things, but there was nothing I could do about this. To watch them all struggle, in different ways, over the same issue.

Its sometimes hard to remember, and look back, and remind myself that yes, for a few months, there was a time when Josh wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with them. Its hard, not painfully hard, but difficult, because looking at them now, you wouldnt know.  Its hard to recall, because it seems like just yesterday he came home, and if that were the case, how would there have been time “In-between” for him to be so distant?

Now however, things are different.

If Dylan is doing something, Josh wants has to be right beside him, doing exactly what hes doing, exactly HOW hes doing it. Which is ok, most times, unless of course, Dylan is doing something he shouldn’t be doing.  Such as tormenting Madi.  Then we have issues – because not only is there ONE boy after her, there a are two, plus myself.

If Madison is reading, Josh wants to read with her. He wants to be in her stuff, in her business, and is all about her things, even though he knows hes not suppose to be. Its very uncommon to find him NOT in the middle of their excitement. He cries if they run off too fast for him, and stares out the window if they forget him go somewhere without him. He squeals with excitement when they come home, and enjoys every shred of their time they give to him.

Looking at them now, you wouldn’t know that there was a time, not too long ago, when he would yell, and thrash around if they walked too close to him. You wouldn’t know there was a time when he didn’t worship the ground they walked on. You wouldn’t know there was a time, when he didn’t think they hung the stars at night. You wouldn’t know, because it seems like the most natural thing that has ever happened.

The relationship they all share is different, yes.  But in a way, I think its stronger, because its different.  They arent all “Blood siblings” like so many think. They are all at different stages in their lives, different places, and have been through different things. They have been separated and lived apart for a time…

But they have become closer than they were before.  They are a team, a work of art, they are the unbreakable three. 

Yes. They fight. They scream. They yell. They hit. The name call. They bicker, and even “Hate” each other at times. But when it comes right on down to it, I don’t think Josh would pass up an opportunity to spend time with his newborn hero’s. I don’t think he would let anyone, or anything, get between what they now have, and vice versa.  

I worry about a lot of things, but I don’t worry about one aspect of his future, and that is him being alone…because I honestly dont think they would let anything ever happen to the boy who isnt exactly their younger brother.  They are tight, much tighter than before.  In my opinion, this may not be the biggest accomplishment that Josh has made, but to be honest, I think this is the greatest.  Stepping out, and trusting his “Tighter-than-before, not-quite-siblings.”

Because while all of these things are great, and I couldn’t be happier that he is starting to relax a bit, and accomplish other things…Nothing, holds up to having lasting relationships that have, and will continue, to carry him further than the “Biggest” accomplishment ever could.

 

2006/2009

Sometimes I think nothing has changed these past few years, but then I have to remember that is only because the world has been flipped upside down, and is just now…starting to turn right side up.

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