I don’t know what happened, during that year you were gone. I don’t know whats going to happen on the 22nd, and I don’t know what your future holds. I don’t know how long you will live, or what you will grow up to be, I cant promise you happy days, and a wonderful, productive life, I cant even tell you dinner will be “On time” every night. I cant promise to be able to answer all your questions, or give you everything you need, or want. I can try. But that’s it.
I have watched you…these past few months…and what Ive seen has told me everything I need to know, and more.
Watching you, listening to you, and seeing how much you have changed, and grown these past months, tells me that your going to be ok. No matter what. That you’re a strong little boy who will do what you need to do, when you need to, in your time, and not a minute sooner. That although you are hesitant, you will trust people again, and that you will trust with your whole heart.
The looks, stares, questions and advice weve received these past few months, has made me cringe, and wish I could somehow take you, and fix all of your problems. People arent understanding, and I wish there was something I could do to prevent you from having to go through this…I want to give you a “normal” childhood, one that isn’t filled with frustration, confusion, and hardships – because while I know that any child, has struggles, it seems to me you’ve been dealt an extra heavy measure, and I wish I could somehow keep you from going through it.
But something tells me you’ll be ok. You don’t seem to mind what people think of you, I just hope this doesn’t change as you get older.
I cant tell you, you wont have to repeat preschool, or go to kindergarten in diapers. I cant promise that you wont sleep in your crib the rest of your life, and haul your bear off to high school with you. I cant really, even tell you that you will be here next month. I cant promise anything, or give you anything to hold onto, I cant give you any hope, anywhere, anytime – because I don’t know. Im learning things right along side of you. At times it seems you catch on a lot faster than I do…sometimes it seems like you understand the things I don’t, because even though your vocabulary is very limited, your eyes seem to tell the story clearer than words could.
Your young, your innocent, you’ve got your whole life laid out ahead of you, yet someone abused that…they took advantage of your sweet innocence…and tore up your future. Atleast, it seems they have. I don’t have the answers, and I know, that someday, you might want them. You might want to know things that I don’t know how to answer…you might want answers to things that simply, cant be answered.
The story lays here, and although I have torn through it over and over and over again, I cant make sense of it. The words are there, they just don’t make sense. The theories are there, but they don’t add up.
I cant promise you things will go the way I hope they will in court…I can tell you, that in 9 days, this whole ordeal will hopefully be over with, once and for all, and we can close this chapter. I can tell you that if it isn’t, I will continue to fight until either Im dead, or your back where you belong…and even then, I wont quit.
Buddy…your loved, more than I think you will ever know, and while I might not be able to give you the answers I hope to, while things might not make sense, and when the world seems as though its crashing in all around you, I hope to be able to give you this tiny shred of hope, that we love you…and that you are a vital piece of this family…This family that has been torn up so many times, Im not even sure it counts as one.
…and at times when it seems that we just can NOT go on one more day, when it all seems pointless, and you seem so…locked up in your world, you smile, you laugh, you break out into a fit of laughter, its contagious, and the worlds problems seem to melt away, leaving us with the best little guy I could have ever hoped for…
I wont stop fighting for you, no matter what…If you can fight, then so can I…it’s the least I can do for you…
Looking forward to spending many more years with you, and watching you grow…
You’re a special kid…
P.S. Feel free to stop growing so fast.