I said earlier this month that April was a month of change. Or, a month of decisions. I said that there were a lot of decisions/choices that had to be made this month, and while that is true, what I should have said is this month has simply been a busy month with everything coming to a close at once – it would have been more accurate.
The main thing was my job. I had a list of options, and had to make a choice by the end of this month. Would I start another job, would I add back on my summer job? Would I accept the job offer down south? Would I continue on the same way? I had originally decided NOT to add another job, and just keep going as we were going, and was looking forward to spending more time with the kids this summer. But then Joshs court date arrived, and I will have some extra expenses this next month with lawyer fees and all that – and so I changed my plan and took on another job for the summer.
Another thing was Josh. His court date, and all that with him. I had originally thought that this last court date was going to finalize everything, but apparently that wasn’t true.
There was Madisons birthday, and while that wasn’t exactly a decision, there were small decisions and issue that arrived with that. Making it, an issue in my mind that needed to be dealt with by the end of this month – other wise the kid wasn’t going to have a birthday.
The last thing, and perhaps the one thing that I have been dreading the most is coming up next. The 29th will be four years since that night my brother left after we had a heated argument, and hours later, he would be gone. When it comes to him, my thoughts usually drift else where, like to his daughter, Molly. We were close growing up, and when we both went through the similar thing at the same time, it brought us even closer – perhaps, to close.
This year, the kids, Madison mainly, has been more interested in Molly. Weve had some discussions about what happened, how she died, and so forth, but this year, shes wanted more. Shes wanted to know the whys, and hows. Shes wanted the details, and the information that I didn’t think she would ever want to know about. She wanted times, dates, thoughts, anything she could get her hands (or mind) on, she wanted. Many of our talks have often centered around her, and often times, she questions what we are going to do with “Her”…to be honest, it’s a question that Ive put a lot of thought into myself, but never have been able to come up with anything except for putting it in the back of my mind, and putting “Her” in the closet space behind all the other junk. Because even though its been over a year and 1/2, I still havent come up with anything worth doing.
Its not right, no, but its what Ive done, and its how Ive dealt. The story is scattered out here somewhere. But the short of it is my mom had her cremated, I eventually gave her ashes to Mollys mom, and later they were returned to me…which is when I hid them in the hole in the kids bedroom – and the rest sort of plays out from there. But lately, Madison has been bringing up the question “What do you do when you have someone’s ashes” it’s a discussion that for the longest time has made me nervous, something I didn’t want to talk about, and something I was happy to leave in the closet. But Madison wasn’t…and because she wasn’t, I opened up and filled her in on the details…giving her the closure I assumed she needed.
More recently, however, shes brought up different ideas as far as what to do with them. Obviously you can just keep them in the house…put them in some fancy vase on the fire place, but that’s never appealed to me. Ive heard stories of people taking the ashes with them wherever they go, even going as far as taking them on road trips to places that person wanted to go. But that’s not for me either. There are stories about people releasing the ashes or scattering them…but that also, creeps me out. What works for most people, doesnt work for me, not that I have anything against the above ideas, they just didnt seem right for this situation. The only thing that really appealed to me was to burry them…but even then, that seemed sort of odd. Madison mentioned burring them out back where shes buried misc animals, and while I know she meant well…that thought didn’t sound to appealing.
Madison asked earlier this year, if I would maybe be able to decide by the end of April, adding to the list of things that needed to be done this month. Its been at the back of my mind. But I had no clue, Ive never dealt with something like this before. Its not something I really wanted to think about, but every time I saw Madison, I thought of that problem, and knew I had to do something…holding Mollys ashes in the closet wasn’t fair to her or Madison,and she was right, something needed done. But what.
So this past month, I began looking into things. I couldn’t afford something…huge, especially not this time of year, but something needed done, and sotThe 29th, we will be taking her ashes up to have them buried. We will put closure to things, and put an end to the mystery box in the back of the closet. The 29th we take the box on its last car ride, hand it over one last time, and wait a few weeks before we return – to see it finalized.
…and then, I think we can say good bye to April, because it really has been a difficult, random, chaotic month…and see what May has in store for us…