Old thoughts

Ive been doing a lot of thinking here lately (amazing, really I know)…but stay with me. I just might, have a point. Im not sure yet. Ive been thinking a lot about the kids…but more…more thinking, really, about Molly. Something, or someone more, that I havent done much talking about lately…and it wasnt until earlier this month when Madison mentioned her name and stared as if she had just said some forbidden word, that I realized…yea…her name has been sort of…forbidden…not on purpose, or really, for any reason..its just how its panned out…that in the past few months, things have been busy and crazy enough without the added bonus of her name, and memory.

It got me to thinking, again, how things USED to be…how things…were…and how at times, they were even more hectic than they are now. I hooked up an old computer earlier today, and was looking for something else, when I came across something I had written a while ago, and thought I had deleted it…It fit…just what I was trying to think, and decided “What the heck” and decided to put it up…(or down?)

Josh is down at his dads…the kids are at school…and so it leaves just her and I. Its scary, sometimes, how much she reminds me of myself. Her stubborn attitude, mainly…and while I should know how to deal with her, and the attitudes she throws out…I just dont…infact, I find myself getting frustrated and angry with not only her, but with myself, because I figure I should know how to deal with her…after all…I deal with myself….but…I got mad at her yesterday. She wanted PB&J. Without anything touching, cut into triangles, just the way she always HAS to have it. Just like she wanted it yesterday, and the day before, and…the day before that. Just the way she always wants it, and the way she has to have it, or we have a fit…and thinking I was doing something good, saving us from another fit….I made it…just the way she liked it. She climbed in her chair, took one look at it and started in…”I dont WANT this” she whined, and cried, and carried on. “I wanned somefing else” “I doesnt LIKE this” “I doesnt WANT this”

…and well…Ive dealt with a little to much of her and her whining, and attitude this week, to really care to much about today…so I told her there was no lunch then…and of course. She flipped…and I took her off to her room, and sat her on her bed, and told her she was staying there for a while. I stood upstairs listening to her crying and yell, and wail, and carry on. I listened to her reason to herself “I jus doesnt want THAT” “I jus wanted sumfing else” and it all sounded so reasonable…so…understandable…so…fitting for a three year old. Of course she didnt want that…of course she wanted something else…why couldnt I have figure it out? Why couldnt I stay on top of it all…why didnt I know yesterday that she wanted a green cup…not the yellow one! Why didnt I know the day before that, that she wanted purple socks…NOT the white ones…I mean, after all…I should just know these things…right? Shouldnt I? But I dont…and I dont think I ever will…because Im not a three year old little girl…and I cant read three year old little girls minds….

…and so this afternoon, after she got done crying, and her room grew quiet, I slunk down there, figuring we could salvage the rest of the day…I cracked her door…and saw her passed out on her bed. Her face red and swollen from crying…her brown hair wisping across her face…stuck in places. Her thumb 1/2 in 1/2 out of her mouth…jerking every so often from crying so much…and I wondered…why. Why why why, couldnt I just….understand her…just…think like her, and understand her every demand…understand that the things she wants are things that she thinks she needs…why couldnt I remember to get her nap in every day…after all…they made the days go by SO much easier…and I knew that. I sat down on her bed, and brushed her hair back…the days…have been so difficult…

That…was yesterday.

Today, she woke up…and went through her normal, everyday routine, like nothing was wrong. She was the perfect little angel I knew she could be, and I began to wonder if we had made it. Had we arrived at the place where things were now going to be easy from here on out? Had she given up on her power ride? Had she finally realized that she wasnt going to control things, no matter how hard she tried? Had she out grown the stage she was in? She said please. She said thank you. She asked, instead of crying and whining, she talked, used her words, and said what she wanted…and she didnt get upset when she could have it…

…and then, she went outside, only to come back in a short while later to ask me to “Take the extras off her bike” her training wheels…shes been after me to take them off for a while…and so I followed her out…to where her bike sat…parked right where she had left it. I followed her out…and she crouched down, and pointed. “Take dem off, please?” As I took them off, I told her that it was going to be difficult to ride…that she would probably fall, and get hurt….she stood by…looking like she was taking everything I had said, to heart. She stared, and watched my every move…and she gasped when the second “Extra” wheel, came off…and her bike, no longer stood alone.

She took it, and smiled…her eyes light up, and she got on…and as predicted, fell right over. She looked a little puzzled…but got back up, and tried it again. She peddled, the bike moved…she wobbled, she peddled again, she wobbled some more, and she took off…smiling as she went, tipping every so often…and it was about then, that I realized…shes growing up. Shes changing…shes getting bigger every day, and her mind is growing…shes reaching a new level, understanding things, seeing things differently…shes growing up…and while its sad in one sense…it also makes me smile…to see her growing up…exploring new things, and taking on a personality of her own…its sad because shes leaving the “Baby” behind. Shes changing into a little girl, and with it comes a whole new set of attitudes, frustrations, and confusions. She doesnt understand it, and neither do I….but seeing her smile today, made it all worth it. Seeing the smile on her face as she turned around, and peddled back my way, yelling “You see me? I di it, I DI it!” and I smiled back and cheered her on…

But…Im not JUST cheering on her accomplishment in trying to learn how to ride a bike…Im cheering her on in life, (or atleast hope I am)…in her new accomplishments in growing up…in learning how to grow up, and change…and I hope to be here….cheering her on for a while longer…because while its hard to let go sometimes…its well worth it…were making it…slowly…but were making it. Keep it up Molly…you’ll make it…I know Ive said it before…but Ill say it again…dont settle for what you know, and whats familiar…go for what you want, and what you dont know and dont stop, until you’ve reached it…dont let anyone stop you…I love you, Miss Moo…dont let me, stop you, from being you. Miss Moo

Unfortunately…I think that was one of the last “Accomplishments” I cheered her on in…It was a random thought, and finding that random bit earlier, just made it all…so real again. I hope I can continue, or maybe, remember, to cheer the kids on with their accomplishments…even if they are small…sometimes I wish I could go back, and undo those things I messed up on, do things differently, and change those things I wish I could change. When things seem to scream her name, and yell the mistakes I made…I wonder if I learned anything, or if Im just repeating the same mistakes now, as I did then…wonder if things, are going to end the same…


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