October is…a very confusing month, atleast here, for me. Most years, when things, like this month, dont make sense, I retreat, step back, and stay within the confines of the well known. I suck it in, and stay “Inside of myself” more or less. But this year…I have the kids. Two very hyper, constantly on the go, active kids, and I cant afford to “Suck back” right now…Oh sure, theyd be fine, but Id miss out on another large portion of their lives and Id start to wonder where they had went…and how I had missed it…again.
The thing is, I never know what year, what month, what day, really, is going to bring, and thus, I cant prepare in advance for these things…sometimes, its just fine…and other times, its just not. This year I find myself, forcing myself to do things, and pushing myself to go for it, when really, I want to hang back and see what happens…its been a fast, action packed year, and really Ive wanted to do nothing more than sit back, in the comfort of things known and watch the world go by…I want to suck myself out of the world, out of the fast paced rat race, and watch for a while…but I cant…because Im in the middle of things, and stepping back, and watching would forfeit everything Ive pushed myself for this year.
While Im used to having time to think things over before making major life impacting choices, I find myself making split second decisions and only later, having time to rethink them. Maybe its good..maybe its better…I dont have as much time to try and process it, and I can spend a LONG time processing ONE thing. Maybe its better…but eventually, it catches up…and here we are, 10 months into the year, and its all starting to catch up….the choices, decisions and questions that never were answered…if I let myself, I could stand and stare, questions and decisions swirling by, I could stare at one spot and pretend I was spinning in circles, because thats how it seems…but Ive tried not to. Ive tried to stay up with things, and stay up in the way of life, and the kids. Ive tried….and Im trying…
But there comes a time, when things hit me…and it would seem that this years events have hit me. My mind empties of all things known, and my head starts to spin….every single choice I made this year is coming back to be “Re thought” and “Re decided” everything is begging for time, and everything is calling my name….and its become easier to get bogged down with the little details, instead of focusing on the main goal, and letting the little gritty-s of life handle themselves.
I suppose you couldnt tell from here, but normally, Im not a very…talkative person…ok, maybe I should rephrase that somewhat. In the previous years, Ive much rather preferred to keep to myself, and avoid people at all costs. Its been somewhat better this year, as Ive pushed myself to get out there and get over it. But in years past, Id avoid a grocery store at all cost. I would avoid people like the plaque and wouldnt go out unless I was fairly positive nobody would be out and about. Most of this had to do with I assumed that when people said “Hi, how are you” they wanted your lifes story. Your run down on life and how you REALLY truly are doing…and most times, I didnt know….and instead of going along with their “Hi how are you” slogan and realizing that it was a passing by comment, and not a conversational piece, I sunk back and avoided people. This years gotten better, but yea, there still are those times…like when I took the kids school shopping, for instance. I still dislike big crowds.
All this said to mean not to many people know the REAL story behind things, and even fewer people know what the heck went on in October, and why I dislike it so much. Really, after six years, it shouldnt be a big deal, but it is, and while I try my hardest to keep it from showing….it shows…more often than I prefer. It pops up randomly when I see an expiration date in the stores, for October 22. It pops out occasionally when someone mentions a certain word…its there…and I think really, it always will be there, somewhere…its just how I deal with it, that matters.
I guess maybe this is a disclosure…a warning that things are going a bit…crazy over here…and Im honestly not sure what tomorrow is holding….a warning that while not intentional, I may say or do something that will ultimately offend someone…or something I say, will come across differently than how I intend it to, and I wont catch it until the damage is done…Its not intentional, but it may very well happen….Because most likely sometime in the course over the next few months I will say or mention something about my past, and what it means…its bound to happen sooner or later….I shy away from politics, and dont talk much about my view on certain things…but I do talk about life…my life…and things that have happened…I just want to say now, before its to late, that really…these words arent meant to harm anyone…its my way, if you will, to try and understand things that dont make much sense….I hope that nothing I say hits people wrong, and if it does…they say something…so I can change it…dont take it personal if I mention something….most often, its just pre-thought thoughts…that I havent figured out yet…most likely, my view will change…tomorrow.
But until then….
Please dont take this wrong, because not everything I say is coming out right.