For whatever reason, I started thinking about you today, Molly. The only problem is when I do, I get to feeling bad about it, I should be putting more effort into thinking about Emmy, or maybe even the kids, but its here and its not leaving….the thought of you.
I can still see you laying there as I said my final goodbye. your damp hair and limp face, you were perhaps the only person I really said goodbye to, everyone else, I denied till the end, and then it was to late, but with you, it was as if it were obvious…you were already, gone.
But I also sill see you, your face wrinkled into a deep thought kind of concentration as you persistently worked off your or your dolls socks. But that was you, persistent. If you wanted it, you were going to have it, and while it led to many of our battles, because lets face it, you couldnt have everything! It also taught me a log, and those last few months of yours ,I could see you were finally mastering that thin line that was between ‘everything you wanted’ and ‘what you couldnt have’.
That was a proud day, when I realized that your tiny mind was growing and you were changing, but it was also a sad day, because I knew you werent going to stay young and innocent forever, and that worried me, because if there was another thing you were it was trusting and impressionable. You werent yet aware of the dangers that lie outside your walls of your world, but that was ok. Because you didnt need to know just yet. At the end of a day, most often they were long and hard, battles fought, when you crawled in my lap, slapped your head on my chest and heaved relief as you stuck your thumb in your mouth, you only knew as much as you had learned and while often that wasnt much more than a new word that you claimed to be yours, you were still, just as innocent as the day before.
Its was something I often wondered about, how you would first discover the world how it really was, you still crumbled if someone looked at you wrong and the injustice of having your food touch was as bad as it went. You were all for friends and people, but you preferred (most times) to play alone with and in your world where everything went how you thought it should. I wondered sometimes, how long that would last, 1st grade? Your next play date? How long would your simple understanding and young innocence have lasted?
I watched you run down the road one day, I watched as you ran, zig zagged, arms out and I could hear your laughter in me head. I shook my head, Knowing it wouldnt be long before you were walking that same road, dragging your self because the world wasnt what you thought, I expected long talks and difficult questions, because that was you, Molly.
While you werent my daughter, and while people say and said that its impossible to love another child like your own, You broke down all the barrios and taught me that I could, Infact, love you just the same. I loved you and your cousins, like my own.
I miss you daily, I love you still, your memory is never far from my mind and every time the rain falls or I hear a certain son, I think of you and I see you…still dancing, running and laughing, I prefer to remember you that way, I always will try, because I think, and its just a guess, but I think that show you would prefer to be remembered…
Hugs and kisses, silent wishes. I love you..