I made it…

Ahh….hello.  Yes…actually…I still am around…somewhere, I just have to go..find myself real quick.

Gah.

Here I was thinking that life would settle some once I got the kids back, who the heck was I kidding?  Myself, maybe….life has been one big whirl winded circle this past week.  I think Ive hit every thing possible, Ive went up, sky high…Oh man, was I high.  But then I also found myself winding downwards with no means to stop myself, just screaming my way down, eyes closed, waiting for that rock hard bottom…But I didnt exactly hit it…not easy, anyways, I sorta went up, then down, and so forth.  Im hovering around “Normal” today.  Ha.  Whats normal anyways?

This past week Ive worked over time.  Over time as in….to much.  Over worked.  Stupidly.  Ive spent evenings in my lawyers office, because if I didnt say yet, we got to court the end of the month for Josh, and so every night has been spent in his office.  Which is the reason Im working over time, to pay for it all.  Some nights, Ive drug the kids in with me, other nights Ive left them, outside, playing.  Because this week has also given us our one week of summer.  We hit 70, people.  70.

Maybe someday life will calm down, maybe someday, the circles will slow down, and Ill be able to catch my breath, and realize whats been happening, and how the kids have grown up…maybe when Josh comes back.  Something tells me not to count on it…but hey,…Im good at that, counting on false hope.  You know?

Honestly, if I could, and had the time to, I would write more about what happened this week (like anyone cares really) But I hear one kid screaming and the other crying so I think it might be wise to head off here and check things out.  One of these days Ill write ALL about it…one day Ill write about how I got them back, and one day Ill finally finish and post about the day in court.  But until then….I want to enjoy it all.  I want to be THERE.  In the middle of the chaos, the middle of the frantic hay day mess of trying to prepare two kids to go back to school, while working over time.  I want to be there, I want to be there….in the memories this time.  I want to share those special moments with them before bed, even if it means giving up MY time with myself….because this is what I ve been waiting for, hoping for, missing out on for the past….who knows how long.

This time?  Im going INTO it.  This time, Im IN it.  This time?  Im experiencing it.  This time?  Im enjoying it.

You know, I think I might even be proud of how far Ive come.  Sounds bad, I know.  But its true.

Im here.  Im here.  Right now.  Im here.  I could get all bogged down about the times that I didnt spend with them, all the times I spent looking in, wishing to be there.  But Im here.  Im not going to loose it this time.  I made it.  I really made it.  Finally.  Were here.  We made it.  We really did make it.

A really good friend, who I think of every now and again, told me something once….one of the last times we talked.  She said “Some people write from the heart, I write from the soul, but you, you write from the outside looking in, wishing to be there”  I think I finally understand what she meant too.  Because now?  Im there.  Im INSIDE.  Im in the middle of the heat and chaos, and you know what?  Its so DAMN good to be here….My only wish now would be that some of those people who helped me get here, were here now, to see that all their time wasnt wasted.  Those long, one sided conversations they had.  They werent for nothing, they really werent…because I made it.  Im here now.  Dont give up….dont stop trying….eventually…..it will come….I owe it to them…the ones who didnt give up on me…even though I know….they should have….Thanks….

….and dont worry….Ill come down sooner or later….

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s