Have things just started, or ended?

{I figured out why, Ive been so…fucked up lately. I finally figured it out, and while it should be easier to grasp a hold of life now, it just seems to be all that much harder.}

This afternoon didnt go quite as I had planned, and it wasnt until I had opened the door that I realized I could have? Just not answered. But when functioning on little to no sleep, you tend to do…smart things, right? Right. I stood there, face to face with my manager wondering if I should close the door on his face and count to 10 in hopes hed disappear, or if I should ask him what he was up to. I opt for choice two, considering choice one wouldnt have done any good. He wanted to know if I could put in over time out at the river this afternoon. Paid. Overtime. You know? I glanced over my shoulder real quick like to look at the kids, hesitated a minute, and thats how I found myself rearranging my afternoon. I somehow figured I could manage a few hours out as tour guide, on little or no sleep, because you know, Im good like that?

I spent the next few minutes contemplating what to do and how to do it, and finally decided to leave the kids home. Alone. I told them all about how NOT to turn the stove on and how NOT to answer the door for ANYONE no matter WHO it was, I told them not to go out of the house no matter WHAT, and then quickly revised my plan telling them to only go out if there was a fire, in which case they were to go to the neighbors house, or if there was an emergency, not to be confused with a fight, they were to go to the neighbors house. Yea, I could have loaded them up and hauled them down there myself, but the melt down and fit that would have followed was to much for my mind to even think about. So yes. I left two kids home. Alone. Two sick kids, home, alone, that is.

Yes, I felt a twang of guilt as I headed off to play work overtime in the pouring rain (because if theres one thing were not short on this year, its the rain, seriously, I think it might be fall, or something…) I put in a full days worth of work in less than 3 hours and being the wise savvy one that I am, I sped off to my meeting that I was nearing to be late for, because once again, if theres one thing Im not short on, its bad planning. I peeled what wet layers I could off and ran into the States office appearing as if I had showered in my clothes just before I had come in.

This was a meeting I had been dreading since last week when she said I should have custody of THESE kids before we started Joshs case, because it could, and most likely WOULD get ugly. My file / case and I were sent packing up a level to meet a new “case worker” who apparently specializes in “Cases like these” I was a bit queasy to begin with, being up so high in the building, but I didnt want to push it, so I sat down, to regain my bearings before she ever so slowly explained who she was, and what her name was. I just stared, trying to figure out if I had “Stupid” plastered across my forehead, or if this was the kind of “Case” she was referring to. Either way…

It took about an hour for her to tell me everything I already knew, before I had to go, after remembering the OTHER kids that were still at home, ALONE. I thanked her, and promised Id get my lawyer back up. Because the only new thing she told me? Was that I needed to get my lawyer, because this was going to most likely get ugly. But…I could have told you that, in much SHORTER amount of time.

It wasnt till I was on my way home did I remember something I had long but forgotten. This coming…..Friday. Is August 1. This Friday will be one year, since Molly passed. One year since I wrote these little ditties that are still…hard to read, one year since I signed over those papers and held my breath as I watched her exit this world. One year…and gosh if it doesnt seem like yesterday, because I still wonder, at times, wither or not Im still suppose to be fighting her case as well. It was then that I figured out why, Ive been so…fucked up lately. I finally figured it out, and while it should be easier to grasp a hold of life now, it just seems to be all that much harder

I made my way home, and breathed relief when the house was still…you know, standing, atleast on the outside it was…and after begging and threatening my way IN the house, because apparently I had forgotten to mention, you know? Its ok to let ME back in? I discovered that they not only were ok, they had appeared to have enjoyed themselves, and as far as I can tell, they didnt fight and well…obviously, they didnt kill each other. The only complaint was that one felt like avocado (????) and the other was still really tired. But other than that…I think we might have figured something out. Atleast…for you know, now?

….and now if you’ll excuse me please, I have to attempt to get some sleep tonight, because I have to get up and do it all over again tomorrow….

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