The thoughts continue…

Every once and a while, my thoughts wander and start to think about past things.  This past week, my thoughts have been centered around the kids…and getting them back and all that…but recently, my thoughts went off to Molly again.  It might have been because someone started talking about epilepsy.  It might have been because a majority of the people Ive talked to this week have had the name “Molly”.  It might have been because getting the kids back usually triggers thoughts about her.  But for whatever reason…shes been on my mind a lot.  Back then, I didnt know much about seizures, and epilepsy, and what caused them, or why they happened, or even, for that matter, what they were.  I went off what the doctors said, I took what they said as truth, and did just about everything they said to do, blindly, because I had no idea what was right or not.  Looking back, the things they advised me to do with her were…well…I dont know.  They dont make much sense now.  Thinking back over things, and wondering, thinking, and knowing, that if I had just simply stopped, thought about it, things would have gone better.  Because once again, I took the doctors word over hers, if I had just stopped and thought for 5 min….

They said to “track her diet”.  I could have told them that her basic diet consisted of pizza, pbj, or cereal, but a friend advised me against it.  For the next month, I wrote down what she ate, the lunch part of things differed every few days.  She wasnt a big eater, but she was a picky one.  I thought I was doing good to simply get her to eat something.  I never turned that paper in, it didnt look so good, and I think it was probably just as well.  That doctor, later was sent off, and a new one replaced him.  I should have suggested, or perhaps demanded a different one, because he took one look at her and recommended a specialist take a look at her, but the only thing was there was a waiting list….a process that was drawn out for a few months, because he only came to town once a month, and Molly wasnt at the top of his list…she kept getting bumped down.

I asked for a job change, and was told there should be no problem.  I changed jobs, and lost the kids.  About five months into it, I was suppose to be regaining temp custody of Molly back, which struck me as odd.  I didnt want her back, I wanted them all back.  She was going in for major surgery, they needed me to take her back.  A friend explained things to me, that the only reason they were doing that was because I was her blood relative, and they needed someone to sign off the papers….I once again signed her away to die.

Because not even a month later, she was in a non responsive coma, and I sat there with a clip board and paper and pen, to sign on the line, to have her unhooked.

Its hard…because people tell you “Just get her better….” and the only thing you can say in response to that is “I dont know how” How do you get someone so far gone, better?  Is it possible?  I think it would have been…I know it would have been…I know it was….because people dont die from seizures.  I dont know what happened those months she was in foster care, I dont know what happened when she went into surgery, I dont know what caused them to decide to do surgery on her.   All I know is that I didnt make the best decisions for her, and she was to young to….all I know is the guilt that piles sky high from her, from Emmy, from Aimee, and the list could go on and on….

I dont know what the best thing is for now.  I dont know what the best thing is for the future, Im flying blind and I have no idea which way to turn….

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