A long bit to (try to) clear things up

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I had Saturday off, and while I had great plans for that day…nothing of importance got done, and here Monday is, and Im as tired as I was Saturday morning. I did, however, have enough common sense left to take a small run up the hill that I havent seen in like….forever. Once up there, I realized what I had been missing…the view…the calmness, the fresh….away from things kind of look. The picture didnt do justice…infact, I didnt even get a full picture of the “over the cliff” sort of look, I kind of…forgot….of course, when a larger than you equipment is heading your way, you tend to forget certain things…it was only on my way back down did my thoughts start assembling back…not in the order that I would have hoped for, because by the time I had managed to make my way back down, and head towards home, I started thinking I had left something up there….even though, you know, I hadnt? All that is to say that since then, my mind (or whats left of it) hasnt been working right since. Assembling thoughts, forming sense making sentences, isnt possible. Over the past…week, Ive been thinking about all the things Ive yet to say…the things that simply build up in my head for the “Right time” which…is….obviously, never going to come. The time is never right. It seems as though that as of lately, my focus has been set simply on getting the kids back, and anything that falls under or before that, is a wasted effort, a useless attempt, not worth anything, even though, all of the steps and failed attempts are needed to move forward in this process…But like I said, anything that falls short of getting them back, doesnt seem like it really needs written, or remembered, or even…figured out.

When I saw them for the first time back in January…I wrote it out within the next few days, I wrote them each out a letter also, with things that I had seen, and thought, questions that had popped up, and things that I didnt get to say, or perhaps….answers to things that THEY had asked, and I didnt have answers for. But…it never went further than that. It wasnt finished…it didnt need anything else. The same has been with these “meetings” and the many “Psychiatrist” visits, and such forth. I dont see the point in understanding them, I dont see the point in DOING them, let alone, trying to write about them…because if nothing else it would make me out to be a…well….complete failure….and even thought I already know I am, seeing it in black and white, starting back at me, just…wouldnt seem right. So here weve been….going along with this…and it seems as though no progress ever gets made…I look back, and re read things, when things get going down….trying to find something that I wrote that said…”Hey look…I did something” but theres nothing, there isnt even the dates that something…happened.

Its not like now, that I can simply go back and fill in the gaping holes missing details, but I can think back, and try to remember things…but even then…theres big holes with no information…

The process with getting them back has gone slow, but steady, every month theres atleast that hope of…things are still going forward, and forward, in this case, IS good. However, last month, things stopped…I never wrote about it, I never mentioned it. If I did, it was something small and to the effect of something that no one, myself included would understand. Basically, something work related happened, and things with the case were put on hold, this past month the “meetings” have been changed “slightly” to more…”evaluations” to see if things can move forward or not. This month…would be the time to figure out if things have started moving forward or not…and well….they havent….and wont be for atleast another month.

To say that threw things off some…would be an understatement by far…a shove back, and “Failure to complete” notice shoved in your face…It threw ME off balance atleast. I started looking back threw things I had written, trying to find something…some glimmer of hope, something really, to keep me going…but there wasnt anything…because well….I hadnt written anything….because everything I had done…to me, seemed to be a sort of….”short of the point” sort of thing. I was thinking this Saturday, once I had come down off the hill, thinking over these past few months, and even back to the past year…when I had Molly….

I viewed “Getting her back” as a “Short of the stick” because it was only her, not all of them. Then when she died, I really landed low. The whole thing with getting the kids back was seriously put on hold, and the thought of getting them back seemed so far off that…well…it wasnt considered for a while. Mainly because they all werent there anymore….so getting only 3 of them back, wouldnt do. Not if Molly wasnt there. When people heard this…they said that I shouldnt love her more than the others….that I should love them all the same…which wasnt the case. It was simply that my focus had changed…getting them all back, was well…not getting them all back anymore…it was changed to getting 3 of them back.

Now that everything is pretty much….caught up…I shall now, throw in the most recent events. Monday is “State day”…meaning that I check in with the state to see whats up…more or less. Last Monday, I went in to check things out. Supposedly, things arent…moving forward per say, but they are still…continuing? Im not exactly sure….either way…she informed me that there had been some updates…usually…that means one of them got moved, someone changed homes, and so forth. She said though, that there are now…two separate cases. Not just one, like there has been for the past…year? Now, Josh has his own case…one thats a little bit more…difficult. See, back when….it was split custody….his dad had him 1/2 I got him 1/2, it was basically kind of like a trial run – to the best that I could understand, atleast. But…the thing is, neither of us made it, his dad got put back in jail around the same time I lost my job and the kids…meaning that Josh basically went to the state. But beings he was in two states (Washington, and Alaska) it kind of….well…made things messy…REALLY messy. Hes now in the custody of the state, and was in the process of being adopted out (permanently) to the couple who I was under the impression, were just his foster parents.

Big mess made messier. So basically now, the adoption with them has been put on hold to see if I come through with adopting him back. It caught me by surprise. “Adopting?” I wasnt looking to adopt, I wanted custody of them, like guardianship, or what ever…even though people have attempted to get me to make the final move and adopt them, I didnt….but now….she said that basically, thats what the next step is. She said that if things all go right, sometime in the later part of the Summer, there will be a court date set up, and the whole thing will have to go before a judge and all that. Thats for the older two. She said it probably will take longer for Josh, just because of the whole adoption thing with the other people already being started. She said that if things continue right, I should have the older two back by the end of the year, and Josh by the beginning of next year.

It was…well….a shock, and well….a change in my mind…and while it is obviously good news? It still appeared to me to be….well….a failed attempt. While getting the older two back is nothing less than the end of a hard road, it also…is like I said….a failed attempt, a worthless try, a pointless road….because theres three of them out there, and I was after all three. Getting 2 back is just like another step…while its good, it doesnt seem good enough. While its GREAT news, its not the news I was looking for, and while I try my hardest not to shoot it down, and get discouraged, I cant help but to….because although its starting to come together in the future…its not coming ALL together, and it probably wont be now until next year.

Its once again, one of those subjects that are hard to explain. Its not that I loved Molly any more than the others, its just that I was focused on getting all four kids back. When Molly died, it took a while to get my focus readjusted enough to push forward. Its the same kind of thing now…its not that I love Josh more than the others, its just that I was focused on getting all three of them back, and now when it looks like two of them might be coming back, its good news, and Im not upset about it…its just that…well….Im trying for all of them…and I wont be satisfied until then….if that makes ANY sense at all….

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