Over the past few months, I have been really glad that i have this stupid place to just open and let er rip without having to worry about whos listneing and who I have to be for who. Its nice. Especially when nights like last night happen upon. Its nice to be able to just open and get it all out so I can attempt to understand it, and no, I havent fgiured it out yet, but I did end up going to work again, so I didnt loose my job.
On another note, Today is the 11th. December 11th. As most, would know. All day today Its been after me that there is something….something Im suppose to remember, something….but what? And it hit me, today that it is a number of things. First off, the 11th. Secondly, December. It has no magnifisent meaning to anyone really, but me. Three years ago Emmy went into surgery. NExt month, the 11th, will be three years since she died, and its just like….bah. Wow. How. Because I honestly dont know. Its also Dylans Birthday. Hes nine today, and Its all I can do to hope that today is going ok for him, and that someone remmebered and they didnt live it up for him, because thats all he needs right now. As much as these things suck, a majority of it hit me last night when I wasnt thinking, and didnt know, but I did, I just hadnt worded it yet. I had the feeling it was something, and something wasnt right, and I got all freaked out, and couldnt think. Thus the post.
And yes, I know today is tuesday,even thought ive called it wednesday all day, and I know I skipped last weeks tuesday shit, and I probly will skip todays too, but hey, whatever. Right now Im trying to come to grips with it almost being three fucking years since my little girl has died, and its honeslty not coming easy. Ive also got myself stressed out in a stupid panic over her three year memory, something Ive done every year now is add a new page to her site, in memory of her, and bah hum I havent got it finished yet…and Ive got no motivation TO finsih it, and hell its almost that time of year again.
To top today off, my piece of shit truck fell apart. Literealy, fell apart. The bumper ditched me this morning when I got in, the muffler jumped the gun on my way to work, and when I got out of work, to head home my foot went through the floor board and pratctically the whol floor fell out. Some reason though, It hasnt bothered me, any other day and It would be like holy shit my worlds collapsing in around me, but today ive got enough shit to hold the other stuff back today.
Today for me, its all about remembering Emmy. And that, is one hard thing to do, but I think I covered pretty much that yesterday. Today I also got reminded of last year this time…..You might recall I had the kids, and you might recall something about me, Molly and trying to cook? I went looking for that post today, and found it, and remembered the day….the day I tried to figure out what the hell almond extract was, and why soda was any different than powder. I dug it out and thoguht it was worth reposting. So welcome to a blast from the past……
- Cookies Anyone? 12-19-06
Madi and Dylan were off this morning….so for the next couple of weeks its just gonna be the moo moo and me. Kinda weird not having them here, things are really quiet, not that molly doesnt make alot of noise, I just think maybe shes not sure what to do now, either that or shes just wore out (like me) from this afternoons stunt with ‘making cookies’ let me pre warn you, me and a 3 (almost 4) yr old in the kitchen, trying to make ‘the kinda tookies you can make prety’ is not a good mixture. Did I mention I dont cook? One of the things I really miss about Aimee is she could go in the kitchen and wip out cookied like nothing, and they accually were worth eating! Well…me….thats a diff story….for starters…what the hell does ‘whip’ mean? I mean how the hell are you spose to whip butter??? and whats the difference between sugar and sugar? I mean cause its powedered?? whats the diff? why do people have to have hundreds of bottles of cream of tarter (what that is I dont know either!) but they dont have any almond whatever….why do you need that anyway? I think we managed to get more eggs on the floor then in the bowl, I think there was a total of about 6 eggs used just to try to get one IN the bowl!! and backing poweder and soda????? I mean come on! why cant they put the recipies in PLAIN engilsh…like say mix this and that…but no….its gotta be whip butter and fancy foreign sugar……so after we messed with trying to crack the egg…..and getting egg everywhere but in the bowl, I think I slipped about 20 times, and smacked my head on just about every cupboard. Molly, meanwhile, was having a hoot watching it all, while trying to do her job of ‘cracking the egg!’ which might explain the eggs on the floor bit. finally after a few hours of whiping and crap we were ready to add almond something……well……I dont know wtf that is, let alone stock pile it, so we had to leave the mess and run to the store real quick, we get back and the house is filled with smoke, apparently, i forgot to turn the oven off….and SOMEONE put a dirty pan in there….so now the house stunk…..finnally….we get the stupd things ready, and realize theres none of those crazy things you use to make the stupid shapes with….???? so we used a cup…that worked wonders…..some reason though, the damn things werent etible…..they tasted horrid, and were HARD as a rock! well….I gave up on it…told molly we’d buy some tommorow….to which she aggreed, threw down her over mit and walked off…leaving me with the mess! hours later, it was finished……while I was cleaning, I was once again thinking, thinking about how unChristmas like it feels….how it doesnt seem that Christmas is even coming mon……how I wish we could just skip right over it and land somewhere mid next year sometime…..Molly even seems to have some Christmas blues today…maybe shes just spent to much time around me, I know I need to lighten the mood, and make it more holidayish, but I havent even bothered to put the tree up right yet….still sitting outside collecting various samples of dog and cat stuff. It doesnt seem like Christmas here…..the weather is wet rainy and stormy, the mood around here is flat and blue, not like it should be, because I could care less if we did Christmas or not this year, But I know that none of what happened was her fault, and she shouldnt have to pay for it, she should be able to have a nice Christmas, so I need to work on lightening the mood. I just dont want to though. I find this time of year a little harder, some reason this year. I dont really recall what happened last year though…..just know that this year, eiher ill work straight through all the holidays or im not sure what….need to somehow figure out how to get the mood lightened and help her have a better Christmas spirit and season.
Just as a side note: Nothing much changed this year except for the fact that I didnt make cookies (or attept it for that matter) and I dont have a tree, or the kids. Other than that, it still doesnt appear to be Christmas around here, except for the fact that there is the holiday crap going around town.