Looking for something….profound

Today was……not really even worth putting into words, if there was some way TO put it into words, because crappy, shitty and everything else just doesnt seem to explain the way the day went today.  I havent been feeling that great lately, my head and neck hurt like hell, my stomech, besides being in knots 24/7, feels like its taking a trip to hong hong, leaving me here to deal with it.   Add stress and everything else ontop of this magnifiscent pile of things and hand it to me, and youve got your self on hell of a mixture – Today.

And so….the day went by, very slowly.  Letting me feel every second, making the next second more painful then the last, untill finally, FINALLY PEOPLE!  The clock sturck four, and you count have said “time to go” Before I was out of there.  On my way home.  Or where I refer to as ‘home’ where I attempted to sleep, but when sleep doesnt come, You hopelessly get up  drag yourself to the next best thing. 

So why?  Why today?  Why so bad?  If only, IF ONLY I KNEW!  But I dont.  I only have the slightest, tiny, wenniest clue.  And that is, because today, it really seemed to click, something inside that wasnt…clicking before, seemed to click, and lights went off.  No matter how hard I work at it, no matter how long and hard, no matter how much effort I put into it, It wont happen.  What wont happen?  I wont get all the kids back.  Why?  Because.  Molly is dead.  Shes gone.  Shes seriously, gone.  Yea, you say, its been what….almost a year?  No, Its been about 3-4 months.  And yea, it just now, clicked.  Clicked that she isnt coming back, and let me tell you, thats one hard piece of shit to digest. 

I dont reccomend you try it, but instead, take my word on it.  Its hard, not matter how many times you go through it, its hard to come to that realisation that they arent coming back, that they really are gone, and that it does suck and hurt and will, for days,weeks, months, years to come.  Its something that has to happen though, and it wont happen untill your there, and well…..as much as I dont want to BE HERE, as much as I really seriously HATE THIS SHIT, I know that it has to happen.  In order to move on if this life, I have to accept that fact, and no, its NOT a fact that I, me as a person here, DOES NOT WANT TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT SHES GONE. 

So please, as my heart seizes up, and my head spins with the whys and hows of this pointless, heartless, cold world, please dont tell me you know how I feel, or that you know HOW I should feel, because more than likely I will just rip your words to shreds, and let my anger rip on you.  Consider this your warning.


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