moving on

Where have I been? Do you really care, or are you just wondering why I havent been here ranting and raving about usless bull shit day in and day out? Im guessing the latter, that is, if you ever ASKED the question in the first place!

Well…for starters, these past…..months….have been HELL. You hear that, or read that, HELL. Nothing short of it. Its when life picks you up and drags you to the worse possible spot, and leaves you there with no way to return from where you came. Your whole entire body is filled with the feeling that things are just NOT RIGHT, every breath is a struggle and it just doesnt get easier.

My mom, the day before Molly died, went to the funeral home, armed with my debit card, and PAID for molly to be creamated, and then left town. I didnt find this out untill I started bouncing things, and got a phone call from the funeral home. I, have no problem if someone wasnts to, or wants to have someone creamated, but for me, persoanly, I think its rather……disturbing, I dont care if I am, but to HAVE TO PICK UP someone, thats been creamated…Its just disturbing, to me.

I had plans of just leaving her there untill I could figure out what to do, but some people(wont mention names) were getting mad at me for not dealing with it ‘right’ so I was left with basically no choice BUT to ‘pick her up’ which was more disturbing then the thought that she was accually cremated. Ill tell you that that drive, with ‘her’ beside me, was one of the hardest drives ive ever had to do, and dealing with ‘her’ proved to be no easy task.

When I could no longer deal with the fact that ‘she’ was in the ‘box’ in the house, with me, I moved it outside, but then found that not to be the best choice either, it proved to be a very sleepless night, packed with many new inventions of where to put ‘the box’. I finnally decided that I had to leave town, it was just something I had to do….had to go, I get those feelings all the time, but this time I went for it.

I found myself in Oregon for a few days before vernturing back to Alaska, some reason, I always get a weird calling back ‘home’. Once I got back, I found it really difficult to accually go ‘home’ which, didnt seem like a home, but more like an empty house with dead people and shit in it. I didnt like that feeling, thus, I spent very few hours at that place, trying to work as much as I could, and spending the rest of my time hanging out in bars, untill they closed on me, or I got fed up with the people there.

Last week, however, I finnally recieved a break through I was reallly happy to accept..for the most part, that is. To move. Now…when people here the word move they gasp and ask where why, how and all that. To me, moving is something, the past years before, Ive done every few months or so, mainly every time someone I loved would die, I would pack up camp and move to a new place, ive eben in about 10 different houses the past yr or so. i dont mind it, my cats, however, seem to a little more than I do.

When I got the kids, I thought I was settling down a little…I havent moved in a little over a yr, which, is the longest amount of time I think ive spend in a place, however, after Molly…I once again couldnt resist the urge to GO…GET out of here. Just GO. somewhere, anywhere…something new, most people tell me that Im trying to forget something, doing something I shouldnt, to me, its normal, I have to…I cant stay there, its no longer home, I HAVE to leave.

So when I heard from someone that someone wanted to rent a place…I HAD to check it out. The really really freaky part, which put my decision on hold a while? The person who was renting it, wasnt asking rent, they wanted to get someone in there so they didnt have to rent it to there daughter, so they didnt have to say no…sounds good, right? wrong. the person? my brothers wifes mom. The daughter she wants to keep out? Yea…Mollys mom. So yea…ok…thats really REALLY FREAKY. BUT…I took the opertuninty, 1.because theres no rent to pay ,and I can really really use that, and 2.because I wanted to move somewhere else.

Now…once I found out that it was Mollys……grandma??? That sounds…weird….considering, that Mollys bio mom ran off a few months after she was born to never be heard from again, and a few months after Mollys died, I stumble upon her mom, whos wanting to rent me a place to keep HER out…..freaked me out…BIG TIME….BUT I had questions, LOADS of them….I didnt just come right out and ask, thats not how I am…I usualy let other people talk, and keep to myself, you can sometimes find alot more out about the person that way. Anyways, with my stratigy, I went to tlak to her about renting that place. and well….like my luck would only have it, she knew right away who I was.

UNLIKE my luck would have it, SHE had loads of questions, when she found out what had happened, found out that Molly was born and died, she was in tears, She had never known that Molly was even born, and felt terrible that she had never even seen her before. She agreed to let me stay in the place, but it didnt end there, she wanted to talk…and talk…and talk…which, was ok I suppose, I found alot out.

Apparently, Mollys bio Mom, had and is into drugs, which is the reason she left in the first place, shes apparently been in jail numerous times and in trouble with numerous states. Her mom doesnt want her to stay in the house she has, but doesnt want to tell her no because she doesnt want to loose what relationship she has with her. She said that when she comes there, she brings friends and they basically turn it into a drug house, and she doesnt like that, but also doesnt want to loose her daugher, and felt that was the only way. She said though, that if someone were in there that she would have a legit excuse NOT to rent it to her daughter. Sounds cold, but I, some reason, understand what she meant.

Now….this past week has been packed with loading and unloading numerous boxes of crap, along with work, and other things that have to be done, its been very busy….but im finnally just about moved totaly over here. It was/is only a few blocks down from where I was before, but still, loading the truck, and unloading it, doesnt go that fast, and beigns this house is smaller, theres been down sizing involved. Not that I have alot of stuff to begin with, I have other peoples things, things that ive had in storage, that I just recently got rid of because that particular storage unit was clsing and Ididnt want to pay top dollar to store crap.

However, these things meant alot to me, they were my wides things, my daughters things, and even some of my siblings things, im not centimenal with material things, but certain things, you know….things I havent exacltly WANTED to go through yet…were there…..along with….the box. There was numerous trips to the dump, things that I didnt need, didnt want, and then, I did it. I got rid of boxes of things that Ive held onto for the past few years. I got rid of the things that have held the last of the memories of these people. And then I sat down and cried. Ive let them go. Im letting go of there memory. Im starting over.

Im starting new. Im keeping it all inside, where it belongs, I dont need boxes of shit to remind me of someone special. I dont need to talk about them to know that I loved them, and I dont need pictures to remind me of there faces. I dont need memories to keep them alive for me. They are dead. They are gone. and so is there stuff.

After I got everything moved over, I hooked up my computer, and realized, that well….no one really even knew I was gone…no one cared…so know what? fuck em’.

I moved my cats over, and now,….were at another house. trying to make things ok…..trying to smooth over something out of nothing. Trying…to find the way out of hell….knowing full well that aint happening. However….Im not totaly moved out yet….Molly….the box….is still there, or was…as of yesterday, Today, I found the proper place to put her, and no, it was not on a mantal over the fire place.

Today, I met with her mom. Today, I got to tell her mom, that she had died, today, I got to see sadness, register with a emotionless person, today, I got to watch someone crumble to there knees and cry out in pain, and I KNEW the pain. Because I too, knew the pain of loosing a child. And yea, even though, even though she left, even though she never got to know a wonderful person, her daughter, she got to feel the pain, the horrible pain of LOOSING A CHILD. and today, I placed Mollys ashes in her mothers hands, I put that box in the trembling hands of her mother, and watched and the tears came so freely.

Today, I looked in a mirror, I saw my heart, I saw my pain, I saw it all, in someone elses eyes, and I understand, I understand completly. I know, most of the people I know wont agree with me for giving her remains to someone who abanden her 4 yrs ago, someone who she didnt even know, but it was the only thing I knew to do.

If you dont like it, then fuck off….because I dont care.


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