As the time gets closer and closer to the 19th, my mind tells me no. actually, no, it SCREAMS no. Its not good, it cant happen, everything in me wants to turn around and RUN off. I want to cancel everything, I want to quit. I dont want to go forward with this, its just not right! It shouldnt be happening. NO!! STOP!!!!!!

But it doesnt stop, it keeps on going, straight for that dreadful day. Its to much of a circle for me, its all to familiar, I dont like it, I dont want to go there, I dont want to see what happens next, I dont want to put her through this, theres got to be another way.

But there isnt. Its either she has surgery, or shes dead, and THAT, is HARD to say, damn hard. Ive pushed all my ‘friends’ or more like, acquaintances away. I dont want them to leave, so I push them away, I prepare for the worse. I see caskets, I see death, I see nothing. I dont want to do this, I want to rewind, and step off. I cant do this. I want it to STOP.

But it doesnt stop, and theres no stop button on it, it doesnt matter what the hell I want, it just.keeps.going.and.going.and.going. My mind yells to stop, it screams this is wrong, it should NOT be happening, but it is, WHY? I dont know? how? when? I dont understand, it SHOULD NOT happen, IT HAS TO STOP.

It doesnt make sense, it doesnt make ANY sense, my mind is spinning, my head is spinning, I cant think, I need air, IT HAS TO STOP! I have to go to TWO memorials this week, one tonight, one tomorrow, TWO people, not one, but TWO. Then I have to take Molly in the day after, Im signing her away to die. Ive been down this raod before, I know how it ends, I took the wrong turn, This shouldnt be happening. Its wrong. DEAD WRONG. WHAT NOW!?!?!?!!?


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