Things have been rather, chaotic the past few weeks here, with changes and what not.
This weekend, I decided to take Madi out, its been a while. I say that every time I take her somewhere. “Its been a while” but as hard as I try, I just cant seem to get it right. I say every time that were going to do it more often, that I am going to make time, that I will try harder, but every time, I fail, and wind up trying to make up for lost time with some sugar laden treat that she rarely gets.
The thing about her, is she can talk, and you get her entire life story in the matter of minutes. Add sugar, and you’ve got her entire life story and THEN some in less than five minutes. Which is good, because I can catch up with her in less than five minutes. You can get her to talk about anything, but once you get her started, don’t try to stop her, especially is sugar has been involved, because there will be NO stopping her, no matter what.
This morning, she decided she wanted to get pancakes, with strawberries and whip cream, and all that sugary stuff. We pulled into a little diner, she ordered, and there we sat. Florescent lights, red booths, the smell of smoke floating mixed with cheep diner food, and coffee. Her on one side, me on the other. For once she was quiet, looking out the window behind me, she smiled…
I don’t know what it is, but every time I take her out, alone, I get…tied up. Knowing that all I have to do is ask her one question, and the rest will be history. Its like I don’t know her, like she doesn’t belong with me, like I shouldn’t be sitting there with her, like Im doing something wrong…being seen in public, just her and I. Every time I am with her, she seems to have grown atleast an inch, changed in so many ways, its almost hard to know where to begin. I find it hard, sometimes, to relate to her. I know nothing about what shes going through, no way to help her…
“Hows school?”
It’s the one topic I know I can count on, her eyes lit up, and she didn’t waste anytime filling me in on all of her favorite subjects, teachers, and friends. She told me all about her latest idea, and who she wants to be like when she grows up, more, that is. Correcting herself, just to make sure I know that she already IS grown up. Her pancakes arrived, and I heard about her friends, their friends, and their favorite past times. I heard about the party that she didn’t want to attend, and why she didn’t want to. She laughed as she told me a story, between bites, and at one point, strawberries flew across the table because something that I never did quite understand, was so funny.
For 30 minutes, it was just her and I.
Almost as if the rest of the world didn’t exist…and if it did, they didn’t matter. 80’s music blared from the speakers, the table behind us roared in laughter, and she pushed her plate away, with a grin.
I sent her to the bathroom to wash her hands, as I surveyed the bill, pulled some money out, and drank the last of my coffee.
Then I sat there, waiting for her to return, taking in my surroundings that I had blocked out for the past 30 minutes. The laughter, the music, the smells, the sites…and then I wondered how I got so lucky.
How the worst possible things in my life, have turned into something like this. How something so tragic and unfair could turn into something like this. Something that words don’t do justice to explain, something that I never thought would be possible, but as I walked out to the truck, watching her race ahead burning off some pent up energy, I realized that not only had I let myself love again…but I had let myself love her, like a daughter.
Its been a year.
One year.
Since Josh came home. Where, has the time gone?
I was thinking about it earlier this afternoon. A year ago, he came home on a three month basis, and a year later, he is here. To stay. For good. Its over.
I was thinking back over the past year, trying to think what his “BIGGEST” accomplishment to date, would be. And for a while, I was really hung up. Would it be the fact that he is (sometimes) using the bathroom? Would it be the fact that he is going to school, and riding the bus? Would it be that hes learning, growing and changing daily? Would it be the diagnosis? What should I focus on? Which of these already big accomplishment would be considered the biggest?
It hit me sometime this afternoon, that I was missing it. I was missing everything, altogether. I was focused in on his accomplishments, that yes, have been great and big, and have made us proud. But they didn’t hold anything to what I would honestly consider his GREATEST accomplishment. Who cares about biggest?
A year ago, when he came home, he was terrified. Timid, and very un-trusting. I think it goes without saying that he has come a long way in this area. When he first arrived, he would spend hours in a corner, alone, watching as the world spun by, watching things, but never daring to step in himself. Never daring to get involved. One of the hardest things was watching him freak out when Madison or Dylan got too close, and knowing that he didn’t trust them. Knowing that he didn’t want anything to do with them, and would have been perfectly happy if they stayed away all day.
He made it obvious, that he wanted nothing to do with them. At all.
Ive lost track of how many times Madison asked me when he would like her again. I don’t know how many times I tried to tell them to “Just give him time, and space…yes…space.” Because it seemed the only thing that made him a little less uneasy about the whole set up, was space. But as time wore on, it was impossible to go through a day without some sort of major freak out of his part. Dylan would absentmindedly sit by him, Madison would breeze past, and I was constantly stepping over those invisible lines that he had drawn.
Perhaps the hardest thing about getting him back was knowing that I could fix a lot of things, but there was nothing I could do about this. To watch them all struggle, in different ways, over the same issue.
Its sometimes hard to remember, and look back, and remind myself that yes, for a few months, there was a time when Josh wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with them. Its hard, not painfully hard, but difficult, because looking at them now, you wouldnt know. Its hard to recall, because it seems like just yesterday he came home, and if that were the case, how would there have been time “In-between” for him to be so distant?
Now however, things are different.
If Dylan is doing something, Josh wants has to be right beside him, doing exactly what hes doing, exactly HOW hes doing it. Which is ok, most times, unless of course, Dylan is doing something he shouldn’t be doing. Such as tormenting Madi. Then we have issues – because not only is there ONE boy after her, there a are two, plus myself.
If Madison is reading, Josh wants to read with her. He wants to be in her stuff, in her business, and is all about her things, even though he knows hes not suppose to be. Its very uncommon to find him NOT in the middle of their excitement. He cries if they run off too fast for him, and stares out the window if they forget him go somewhere without him. He squeals with excitement when they come home, and enjoys every shred of their time they give to him.
Looking at them now, you wouldn’t know that there was a time, not too long ago, when he would yell, and thrash around if they walked too close to him. You wouldn’t know there was a time when he didn’t worship the ground they walked on. You wouldn’t know there was a time, when he didn’t think they hung the stars at night. You wouldn’t know, because it seems like the most natural thing that has ever happened.
The relationship they all share is different, yes. But in a way, I think its stronger, because its different. They arent all “Blood siblings” like so many think. They are all at different stages in their lives, different places, and have been through different things. They have been separated and lived apart for a time…
But they have become closer than they were before. They are a team, a work of art, they are the unbreakable three.
Yes. They fight. They scream. They yell. They hit. The name call. They bicker, and even “Hate” each other at times. But when it comes right on down to it, I don’t think Josh would pass up an opportunity to spend time with his newborn hero’s. I don’t think he would let anyone, or anything, get between what they now have, and vice versa.
I worry about a lot of things, but I don’t worry about one aspect of his future, and that is him being alone…because I honestly dont think they would let anything ever happen to the boy who isnt exactly their younger brother. They are tight, much tighter than before. In my opinion, this may not be the biggest accomplishment that Josh has made, but to be honest, I think this is the greatest. Stepping out, and trusting his “Tighter-than-before, not-quite-siblings.”
Because while all of these things are great, and I couldn’t be happier that he is starting to relax a bit, and accomplish other things…Nothing, holds up to having lasting relationships that have, and will continue, to carry him further than the ”Biggest” accomplishment ever could.
Sometimes I think nothing has changed these past few years, but then I have to remember that is only because the world has been flipped upside down, and is just now…starting to turn right side up.
Filed under: Bragging Rights
Youve ever wondered what you were doing in the opposite sex bathroom, knocking on stalls, seeing who answers. You might be a pervert also.
Dont ask, and I wont tell.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts, People | Tags: disconnected & random, My thoughts
Im trying to write something, but find myself getting tied up in knots every time I try.
Yesterday I found myself in the midst of a conversation that left me wondering just what this world has come to. I found myself talking to someone who talked to me as if I were a long lost friend of theirs, who they hadn’t heard from in years. Which I am not. During the conversation, he mentioned that when he is having a bad day, he likes to look at other peoples lives, to realize that he doesn’t have it all that bad. I could agree, to an extent, but my mind wandered a bit, while I thought of a debate I had just done with myself a few weeks back.
A debate that went something to the effect of, looking at other people, and thinking “Atleast Im not like them” only to quickly discover that you are like them, only…perhaps much worse off. Atleast that person knows they are nothing, while you were thinking you were something, that you weren’t. Atleast that person accepted things for how they were, and not how they WISHED they could be. It’s an exercise I run myself through, every once and a while…Realizing that I am not “All that.”
But I was quickly drug out of my past rant, with his next statement that caught me a little off guard:
“When you think that your life sucks you run into a handy cap person and it humbles the crap out of you cause they would change places in a heart beat”
It struck me wrong, in more than one way, for a number of reasons.
First off, it seems to imply that “Handicap People” are somehow, less than you. As if they are less than a person, and would rather have YOUR life, than their own. Secondly, it somehow implies that your life is better than theirs…and finally, I think that people, any person, can learn a lot from a “Handicapped” person, perhaps learning to accept people who arent “Just like you“ is a place to start.
Im sorry, but it annoys me.
I know Im not qualified to even be stepping on these grounds, but honestly, I don’t know why people look “Down” upon people who arent exactly like them, in every. Single. Aspect.
I guess, however, he answered himself, and my question at the same time when he said “When you think your life sucks, you run into a handy cap person…”. Is that really, what this has come to? Is that really what life has dwindled down to, making yourself feel good, at the expense of others, handicapped or not?
I realized quickly off, that I am not higher than anyone, and that I can learn a lot from other people, handicapped people especially. Ive come to realize that I shouldn’t place myself higher than anyone, and that when I do, I only realize, once again, that I have a lot of learning to do.
What upset me most, about the conversation, aside from the fact that he was downplaying people in general, to raise himself up, was that like usual, I didn’t say anything, and instead agreed by silence, wishing I had the guts to speak out against something that I felt the opposite about.
How does one know that by looking at a person -any person really, not JUST the handicapped – that they would trade lives? Just because their life isn’t the same as yours, doesn’t mean they would trade it. From my perspective, and from my prior argument, it doesn’t mean they are any better or worse off than you or I.
Its irks me. Big time. That people would actually think to place themselves so high. As if somehow saying something that they don’t even know to be true, can turn it into a fact.
I will admit, I sometimes look at people, and find myself thinking “Atleast I don’t have that problem” or “Atleast I don’t do that.” But more often than not, I find myself realizing that not only am I “NOT better” than them, but I am, infact, worse off than the majority.
Its been a rather difficult week, and I could go ahead and put the blame on numerous things, but the truth is I don’t know why.
Yesterday, someone randomly said that “When your having a bad day, all you have to do is look at someone else’s life to realize, that you don’t have it all that bad” and I cringed, when I heard those words.
I cringe every time I hear those words, or words closely related. I don’t know why, I just do. I know everyone has some sort of a battle, and I know that most likely, theirs are a lot worse than mine…but it doenst make me feel any better, or any different. Infact, it makes me feel a lot worse, thinking about all the other people who have things going on, and Im sitting here having a bad week because, well, who knows why, and well, it kind of makes the week just a little worse off.
Im trying, to stay positive.
But it doesn’t always work.
Its October, and what else can I say except that its been hard. I should be used to it by now…but Im not.
Maybe next year.
Every Sunday, an old neighbor comes by, and picks Madison and Dylan up for the day. Sometimes, shes takes Josh, but most often, he stays behind with me, and we spend the day soaking in the unusual silence. Its not that hes not loud, because he is. But he picks up on the other two, and isn’t usually loud unless they are around. I couldn’t help but wonder this afternoon, if he too was enjoying the silence.
Filed under: Bragging Rights, The kiddos | Tags: Thats part of "Growing up", Change, Josh
Ahh yes. You thought I forgot, didn’t you? I was beginning to wonder the same thing. After all, the kids are 12, 10, & 5. Out of potty training ages, right? That’s what I would think too. But no. Were all wrong. Josh hasn’t (hadnt?) exactly started potty training yet. The problem wasn’t that he “Wasnt ready” it was that he was scared of bathrooms. Which made potty training difficult. Like, really difficult. Getting him INTO a bathroom was (and still can be) a struggle in itself, and by the time he was in there, any prep talk we had before entering, was long forgotten, and the only thoughts going through his mind were how to escape ASAP.
Over the past, month or so, weve worked him into the bathroom. It had gotten to the point where he would go in, not willingly, but without a big fuss. Making teeth brushing, slightly easier. Up until this point, I had been told to “Keep him out of there at all cost” to “Brush his teeth outside” and “Get a special potty to use” you guessed it, “Outside the bathroom.” I tried it. Once. Because I try mostly everything atleast once. The “Special potty” fell through when it started to sing when Josh sat on it…and I began having visions of Josh hauling this “Special potty” To high school with him. It wasn’t a thought I liked. We quickly ditched the idea, and decided that he would use the bathroom, just like everyone else.
I get the fact that he might have bad memories attached. I get that he has fears, and most likely a reason to. But I also happen to know that there isn’t any bad that is going to happen in the bathroom while I brush his teeth…and how else am I going to get him to see this, if he wont go in the bathroom?
Lately, hes been making some steps in the right direction. A few weeks ago he ventured in there – by himself – while the kids and I did our best not to FREAK OUT with excitement, not wanting to scare him, or make it a bigger deal that it should be. Im sure he wondered why we were all staring at him with odd grins plastered across our faces, but hey.
A few days later, he used the bathroom, for the first time, and again. The kids and I did our best to contain our excitement. It was a big moment, and we were all so proud of him, but we didn’t want to “Over do” our excitement and scare him, and so we calmly congratulated him, told him he did good, and moved on like it was really “No Big Deal” when clearly – it was.
Its one of those things that not many people would understand “Your excited because he went INTO a bathroom?” and we would all sit there and nod ferociously, because well, unless you know where hes coming from, you wouldn’t understand where our excitement is coming from.
Hes made great steps in the way of being potty trained. I know he already knows, when and where to go, it has just been the fear of a bathroom holding him back. The past few weeks, while at home, hes been sporting “Big boy underwear” and doing relatively well with them. The only problem is school. I havent felt comfortable sending him to school without a diaper or something of the sorts. Not because I didn’t think he was capable, but because I didn’t know if he would know how to tell someone he had to go, or if he would just get scared and forget about everything. He wasn’t thrilled with putting on a diaper yesterday, but seemed to forget about it a few minutes later.
Early on in the afternoon, the neighbor showed up and said I had a phone call. If anyone needs a phone number, I give them hers (with permission). Its more or less an emergency number, if someone needs to get a hold of me, they can call her, and she can get a hold of me. I knew it wasn’t good when she said I had a call, but when it was the school calling to say that Josh had an accident, and I needed to come right away, I more or less freaked out. A 15 minute drive was completed in less than 5, and I ran over a few stray people going through the doors to the school. Fearing the worse the entire time.
I was relieved to see Josh in the corner when I arrived, he was crying but appeared to be ok.
…and when his teacher told me what happened? I promptly burst out laughing, because I didn’t know what else TO do.
Apparently, about ½ through class, Josh pulled his pants down, and proceeded to have some form of an accident. Not the kind of accident I was prepared for, and since they weren’t clear on the phone, with what KIND of accident it was, I didn’t come prepared.
His teacher proceeded to tell me that he would need to be potty trained before he would be eligible for a “Regular” kindergarten class. She laid great emphasis on the word regular, but I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face.
The problem is, no one understands why I was so thrilled. It wasn’t just because Josh wasn’t in some sort of horrible accident that I had prepared for while speeding in. But rather because he was making progress in ways that I never anticipated him to. The thing with having a kid like Josh is that there arent typical milestones for him to meet. The progress he makes is so different than what you would expect. We celebrate the small things, the things that most other people don’t even notice, but rather enjoy without thinking about. The things that are harder for Josh to grasp. The small, crazy things that make me smile.
Some things, people just wont understand. Some things you will have to apply yourself a little more to see what we see in him. Some things, like yesterday, most people just will NOT understand. Those are the things, that we celebrate. The things that make us most happy. The things that no one else understands, are the things that we cant help but be proud over.
Yesterday was just such an incident. There was so much progress wrapped up into one small, minor accident. Infact, it was MORE than just an accident. It was a step, a giant step, with huge progress written all over it. He pulled his pants down (something he has never done before) he used the bathroom (outside of his diaper, albeit not the way we would hope him to) and he knew he didn’t do it right.
I know his teachers weren’t impressed, I know I might have a lot of explaining to do, but I couldn’t help but be a little bit proud of him.
He’s growing, he’s changing, he’s learning. And? He’s making progress in the right direction. Or atleast, we like to think so.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts, Song days | Tags: disconnected & random, My thoughts
The past three nights I have waken myself up in the middle of the night, doing something with my alarm clock. The first night I was beating my cat with it, the second I was winding the cord up, and the third night I was trying to position it on the edge of the couch, and woke myself up when I couldn’t get it to stay “Just so.” The final night, I didn’t go back to sleep right away, and instead lay awake trying to ponder what “Fighting with a clock” in the middle of the night could mean. Of course, I came up with it being a good excuse to check myself in, scared myself by thinking maybe I was “Fighting against time” and finally settled on “Time” in general.
*Time, where did you go
Why did you leave me here alone
Wait, don’t go so fast
Its something that not a lot of people seem to know much about, outside the second, or millisecond, not much about time makes sense to us. I have talked with one person these past few weeks, who claimed he knew all about time. He knew how short it was, and that he knew how to make the best of it. He didn’t understand why some people “Needed more time” when obviously, “Times a’ ticking”
I’m missing the moments as they pass
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time
But the thing is, until you have stood outside of time, and just wished, for one second, that it would stand still, you don’t know just how fast time can go. You don’t understand the full impact of one second, until its here, and gone. Just like that. You don’t understand time, until you have begged for it to stop. You don’t know about time, until you have had to learn to fight with, and against it. You don’t know time, until you have been there, watching, as one second everything is fine, and the next your life is laying there, unraveled, for all to see. Until then, you don’t know. No matter how much you want to think you do.
I’m down I’m down on my knees I’m begging for all your sympathy
But you (I’m just an illusion) you don’t seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don’t mean to hurt you)
Monday was four years since this life, this one that we are now living, handed itself to us to make do. Four years since I flew down and picked Madison and Dylan up, added them to the collection I already had, and stood back wondering how I was going to make this work. Back when time was against us, everywhere but where I wanted it to be. Going everywhere but where I wanted it to go.
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
I’ll take what you give me. Please know that I’m learning
It was different this year. Different in that, the kids are older, they understand things differently, they know the deeper impact of things, they understand and know things that they didn’t four years ago, and its ok. Its different this year, it got me to thinking about the past four years in a different perspective. How short, yet how long four years can be, and just how much has happened in these four short/long years.
So wait for me this time
I should’ve know better
My thoughts, that morning at 2am, were strictly related to everything negative that has happened these past four years. Loosing the kids, Loosing Molly, etc. and after that, there was no way really that I was going to get back to sleep, so I decided to call it a morning (night?) and just go with it. As this week has wore on, Ive added different things to that list that I started Monday morning. Instead of just all the losses, and negative aspects, there have been some bright moments, moments that most times, slip by unnoticed.
I shouldnt have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings
Sure, I lost the kids, we lost Molly, life pretty much bottomed out. But there is a flip side. I got the kids back, got Josh back, and unless something else happens, they are here. Here to stay.
I threw them all away
Now this is my time
The past four years have been hard, difficult, and down right discouraging. There have been moments where I wondered if the day would ever end, and if it did, would another one begin. There were days when I wondered if “This” would ever end, or if I was just going to continue on the worthless path to nowhere. But then there were days, days when I wanted time to slow down, so I could take in the priceless moments I was living in. Moments that were here and gone all to soon. Moments that I wanted to spend just a little bit more time in. Moments that were spent a little more in the light and positive and a little less in the negative.
I’m going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn’t have wasted those days)
I’ll take what you give me. Please know that I’m learning
I regret to say that its taken me four years to reach this point, this point where I realize the full depth of time, regret to say that its taken me so long to realize that the only control I have over time, is how I spend mine…and while there were moments in these past four years that have been downright crappy, they were needed, to make the already “Better moments” just a little bit brighter.
I’ve looked in the mirror
My world’s getting clearer
So wait for me this time
*Song “Time” by Chantal Krevianzuk
Last week, I dropped Josh off at his school, pushed him through the doors, gave him a little extra encouragement, and left before he had the chance to erupt into tears. On my way out to the truck, I was accompanied by a mom of another boy, who attends the same class as Josh. She spent the next minute telling me over and over that I was doing “A great job” and had “A lot of patience”.
But the thing is, I wish she hadn’t.
Because she honestly doesn’t know. Doesn’t know what Ive done with my life, doesn’t know the struggles I have, or the situations Ive been in. She doesn’t know that I am NOT doing a great job, and that I have proof of that. She doesn’t know that I am the most impatient person alive. But I didn’t know how to correct her, or anyone else, who attempts to tell me Im doing a “Great job” with the kids.
I don’t know, really, what the definition of a “Great job” is, but I happen to know it isn’t what goes on here.
I know that many people would be appalled to find out how many times laundry is done here, I know many would shake their heads if they realized how many “Nutritious meals” we actually eat, and more disgust would be thrown our way when people find out just how many times Josh actually gets a bath.
I try to run through the flash cards that are sent home with him, and point out different letters, colors, and shapes, but more often than not, I get busy…or forget. I usually make sure the kids have their homework done, but sometimes I let Dylan slide by without completing everything in one sitting. It isn’t usually until after they’ve gone to bed, do I remember that Madison wanted me to help her with spelling words.
Ketchup is considered a vegetable, and juice a fruit.
The back yard is a dirt road and creek that runs into the ocean, where bears like to hang out.
I yell too much, smoke too often, and don’t always remember to lock the door (except when I don’t have my keys).
The kids are at school on time, mostly, but no one sees what happens minutes before, when I wake up, and run them around like crazy. They don’t realize that the shirt Josh had on today was his pajama shirt, or that he didn’t eat breakfast this morning, because he was freaking out about something totally unrelated. They didn’t hear me tell him that “He was only harming himself.”
People who say Im doing a “Great job” only know one thing, and they don’t know the things that go on, behind these doors.
They don’t know I let them watch TV, that I have the theme song for “Sponge Bob” memorized. That I have a five year old who just now is starting potty training. They don’t know that I consider playing outside to be a good thing because it means a few minutes of silence. They don’t know that Josh’s bike came from the dump this weekend, and that he doesn’t exactly know how to ride it. They don’t know that when he sat on said bike, and Madison and Dylan pushed him down the hill…it never entered my mind to stop them.
They don’t know that if put under enough pressure, I would crack. That if asked enough times, I will cave. That if someone cries I will give whatever they want, whenever they want, just to stop the tears. They don’t know that at night, the only things that run through my mind are the thoughts of things that didn’t get done…not plans for a successful tomorrow.
They don’t know that at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed, I don’t clean, and straighten things up, but most often sink back into that dark quiet place in my mind, and try to convince myself that somehow…tomorrow will be better.
They think I do a “Great job” because they see me, two minutes every day when I bring Josh in, and pick him up. They see a brief snap shot into his life, and think that because of it, they somehow “Know” for a fact, that I am, doing a great job.
I have a sinking suspicion that if they saw me the rest of the time, they would have a different notion.
Don’t tell me Im doing a good job, I know Im not.
Don’t tell me I have patience, I know I don’t.
Don’t tell me I screw up, I already know I do.
Don’t tell me the kids are well behaved, or I will ask you for some of what your smoking.
Don’t pretend you didn’t see that, I know you did.
Don’t hold a stare, it only makes things worse.
Don’t tell me what I should do, you might end up with three kids, or a busted lip.
Don’t tell me what YOU would do, because I will ask why you havent.
Don’t tell me what I should do, because Im not you.
Don’t tell me “If I were you” because you arent me.
Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, I don’t want to hear what you have to say.
Don’t tell me you know what Im going through, because you don’t.
Don’t tell me you understand, because if you did, you wouldn’t have said that.
Don’t tell me to hurry up, or slow down. Im going as fast or as slow as I can.
Don’t tell me how to act, you don’t know why Im acting this way.
Don’t tell me….
Because chances are, I already know.
Ask me, I will tell you.
Advise me, I will listen.
Demand, and I will mark you off.
Just as a side note, I am not in any way refering to people who have (so kindly) offered advice online. Im refering to people I meet at the store, or the school, or on the street who think they (and most likely do) know better than me. People who havent taken the time to understand whats going on, before giving their “Opinion” and expect me to follow through with what they say. I appreciate every bit of advice that has been given to me, and one day, will try to make that obvious.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts
Some short time after the first of this year, I got the notion that something…something big…was going to happen this year before it was all said and done, and while I know a lot HAS happened, a lot of big change has taken place, I havent gotten that…release, if you will, that the “Big something” has happened…and as the end of the year draws closer and closer, I find myself anticipating, and fearing…more and more.
…and fear isn’t something that I like to give into. It sounds as if Im being defeated, taken over, controlled…by something as small and worthless, as fear…
I know this must sound bizarre, scratch that, I KNOW this sounds bizarre. But the only thing that has come close to touching on this fear, this fear that the “Big change” is about to happen, is when Joshs teacher called me over to ask if it was possible that his “Aggressive” behavior was due to abuse in the house. It was like the ton of bricks that were hanging above my head, waiting to fall, fell, and now sit right above my head. In plain view. Waiting and ready .
Its just whats been on my mind lately. Nothing profound, nothing deep…nothing new. I just hate the not knowing, the waiting, the anticipation…the fearing the worse, call me paranoid, I dont care.
“Everyone is afraid of something. That’s how you know when you love someone; when you are afraid of loosing them”
