I don’t know what to say.

What can you say when this (in regards to my cousin) finds its way to you:

Were getting back into the swing of things here. The kids returned to school today after returning home last night from their grandparents, a trip they say is worth repeating.

We made it through bed time last night, and for the first time in the past two weeks, Josh willingly went to bed, and slept. All night.

We were up late, and out the door with minutes to spare, but all three of them made the bus as I walked into work, with minutes to spare I couldnt get over how nice it was to be back.  Back, in the swing of things.

We got home, made it through another day, and I attempted to make dinner – which is when I realized that everything is ok, because I burnt the living (use what ever word you please here) out of it all – but lived the tell about it.

A long while ago, while one of the kids complained about me not being able to cook their (at the time) favorite, someone offered me a few words of advice. The subject at hand? Grilled cheese. I can not, for the life of me, cook. Ive tried, I try, and 98% of the time, things are edible. But grilled cheese has always gotten the best of me. This certain person suggested putting them in the oven, before grilling them…and it worked. For the time being.

Tonight, I attempted to make that same subject for dinner.

Normally it goes something to the effect of I forget to turn the soup on, and spend 20 minutes stirring something that has no reason to burn. Tonight I made sure it was on. Infact, I turned all four burners on, just to make sure I got the right one on. The sandwiches were in the oven, the soup was heating up and the pan for grilling was sitting there, preparing for its job. I watched everything for a few minutes, and wandered off to put a few dishes away, or get Josh out of some situation, and then returned. Everything was ok.

So I finished the dishes.

Then went back.

Pulled the sandwiches out, put them in the pan, and stirred the soup.

All was well in life.

And then, I don’t know what went wrong. Because the next thing I knew there was smoke, the sandwiches were black and burnt and the soup – the soup that I looked over at just in time to see white froth coming out in a mushroom shape, before I let a string of words out, and everything went black. Literally.

Needless to say we didn’t have grilled cheese tonight. The kids may or may not have laughed, and howled, and laughed some more. Dylan may or may not have landed on the floor laughing, the smoke detectors may or may not have went off, the door may or may not have been flung open and there may or may not have been billows of smoke pouring out. There may or may not have been a fine layer of soup on the top of the stove, all of which was burning – because hello? All four burners were on!

And to make matters even better, I may or may NOT have taken a the hot, steaming, burning pan to the sink and turned the faucet on.

We stood outside a few minutes, laughing while waiting for the smoke to clear.  The neighbor came home, waved, and went on as if nothing at all had happened.  Because everything is normal here, we are back in the swing of things here.

You may or may not want to reconsider dining at our house.

Just in case you were wondering, this is what dinner time usually looks like at our house, you know, when we are back in the swing of things.

A few months ago, when I was working at a different place, a customer came in with her kid. Who was in the habit of repeating herself. Every so often the kids eyes would light up and she would say “I have a green jacket!” repeat 20 times before her mom would ask her to say something new. She would think a few seconds, her eyes would light up and she would say “YOU have a green jacket” repeat 20 times, before she went back to her original point that she “Had a green jacket”

Lately, that’s how Ive felt.

Like everything I say is a cliché, like Im just repeating myself, working myself further and further down into the downward spiral where I don’t want to be.

I told myself that just because the year ended on a sour note, didn’t mean it was going to start on one, and I promised myself that I was going to be more “Upbeat” and “Positive” and so forth. But the first came and went, and so far I have deleted atleast three complete posts, because they are downwards, negative, and don’t focus on the good as much as they should.

I go back and forth with myself. “I need to say these things to get them out so I can focus on the positive” and then “I don’t need to say these things, they really wont matter in a few minutes” and I remind myself of the kid who came into the shop, who flipped back and forth between two subjects.

Things are usually pretty upbeat around here – with three kids its really hard NOT to be upbeat most of the time, but sometimes, and more and more lately, things have been…downward. Not on purpose, its just how its been. How things have fallen into place, and as much as I try to argue with myself that “Its normal this time of year” I cant help but shake it…

And as clichéd as it sounds, and repeated as it is…it still holds as much importance to me as it did on day one, when I made the choice to follow through with this decision.

Two years ago I gave up drinking in hopes of getting visitation rights of the kids. Two years ago that was all I could hope for – visitation rights. I wasn’t even hoping to see them alone, I was just hoping for a few minutes to see them, to know that they were ok, to hear from them what they wanted. I honestly didn’t know what my next move would be. I hadn’t PLANNED on getting them back, atleast not this (that?) soon…its just, happened.

When Molly passed, I hit that bottom that people talk about, the bottom that I thought I had hit many times before – but didn’t reach until I walked out of the hospital that morning in August. The bottom. Where there was no other way TO go but up. To go up, or be done…and as much as I wanted to be done, at that very moment, I wanted to atleast see the kids first. That was all I could hope for, all that I could look for, and all that I could even think about.

Two years later I have full custody of them.

I don’t know when, or where I made the decision that I was going to fight for them. I don’t remember the day, the moment or the time. I don’t even remember making the choice. It was gradual. Step by step. One thing after another, and pretty soon I was knee deep in kids, kids and kids.

I sit here tonight and toss around a number of thoughts, a number of clichéd, over done, “My jacket is green” thoughts. Is this the right choice? Did I make the right decision? Is this the best for the kids? Did I jump the gun, decide to fast, make a decision I shouldn’t have?

I think back over the circumstances, and try to remember why I thought I *could* or *should* get them back. I know I wanted them to grow up, together, and that really, at the time there weren’t too many other options for that.

But. There is always a but.

What about now? Now that things have calmed down, now that the kids are legally mine, what now? Is this it? What I was hoping for? Is this the end? Is this where is stops? Is this…really it?

It wasnt one thing that made the choice final, it wasnt simply one option, or one thing that decided the case for me, it wasnt any one thing….it wasnt even a combination of things, it was the kids…and what Ive always wanted for them. The best. Im not saying that Im giving them the best, Im not trying to even say I come close to giving them the best…Im just saying that I cant see to it that they are (mostly) healthy, happy, and safe…if they are all off somewhere else, but more importantly, that they are together…because while I might not always be able to give them the best, they have each other…and that is what I hope they will always have.

That statement has taken us through some rough roads. Through courts, state visits, Mondays, social workers and all the rest.

But now that its all over, now that the kids are mine, and I am solely responsible for them, the full impact its beginning to sink in. The full responsibility that I took on, is starting to hit…and Im beginning to wonder, like Ive been asked so many times: Am I cut out for this?

I want the best for them, and I will continue to seek out whats best for them, and fight for whats best for them…but Ive reached a point…a point where I have to stop, and wonder…what IS best?

Is THIS best?

I don’t have much time tonight (don’t ask…I know the I only have one kid but that doesn’t change things any). But I didn’t want to let the “New year” come in without any mention of it.

I know these past few days (weeks?) things have been towards the “Downwards” side…and while this year has had its ups – that have topped out and downs – that have bottomed out, but this year…has been a very different year. Different, meaning that the kids were here at the beginning of this year, and they are still here at the end of an entire year…something I honestly didn’t know if would actually happen.

This here, this life, isn’t always upbeat, and happy – as these past few weeks have demonstrated, but I wanted to end the year out with a few favorite posts that really seem to sum the year up. Good, bad, happy and sad.

It’s the end to one year, and the start to another.

Happy New Year

10..

9…

8…

Cross Roads

We will be and are proud

Confessions

Anyones welcome

No one could prepare me

Tinted windows

Another finalization

These are just a few of the moments that have stuck out through the year.  The ones that maybe arent obvious.  The ones that have made this year, complete.

Im going to have to force this one out, because it simply doesn’t want to come. This thought, that is stuck. Making me loose my mind, and go crazy with all the other thoughts. The one thought that is making all the small, nearly nonexistent problems send me over that invisible edge. Because I never said that this was going to be all upbeat, positive, all the time happy stuff. Because this is nothing if it isn’t the truth, the good bad ugly and everything in-between. With a few smiles along the way, and because I honestly think I will explode if I don’t get rid of this nagging thought that has been haunting me since the kids left.

The only problem is…this thought doesn’t want to come out, Im slightly embarrassed to admit to it, and all that together combined with everything ELSE going on, it makes for a very…messed up situation.

Consider that to be a warning.

Just sayin’.

Last night, was, a really bad night. For no particular reason, or atleast none that I could see, at the given moment. But isn’t that how it usually is? The waves of panic and frustration that hit out of the blue, seem to be so random. The logic side (or, whats LEFT of the logic side) is never anywhere to be seen, and the problems, seem to be larger than they actually are.

Looking over things now, in a new light…they really don’t even seem to be problems, just thoughts that had too much time devoted to them, which is a direct result from having WAY too much time to *Think* things over…ever since the kids left.

I was looking back over things from last year, and realized that last year…pretty much the same thing happened, and the year before that, and the year before that, and so forth…

This time of year things always catch me off guard, I don’t know why. Ok. I do know why, but I don’t know why it always catches me off guard. Maybe its because I don’t devote enough time to thinking about them, until they shove their way up.

I don’t know.

All I know is that last night sucked.

I woke up (late as usual) this morning, and tried to remember what went on last night. Its not that I don’t remember, its that I don’t remember why it was such a BIG deal, or WHAT was really a BIG deal. Or why. For that matter.

The countdown to the new year, has officially began for most people. “Three more days and a new year!” someone said to me earlier on. “Happy New Year” is plastered all over everything, everywhere…and meanwhile Im stuck somewhere back in the middle of August, trying to figure out why its cold, and snowy. And all that.

Mentally I know, I know its close to the end of the year, mentally I know this…and mentally I have begun my own version of a countdown. “Ten days until Emmy was sent home” “Thirteen days until this is all over for another year” “Then its Mollys birthday, Another few rough days scattered in for good measure” and THEN the new year can start.

There is more to it than just the countdown to the new year. More to it atleast for me. I find myself getting worked up over the small things, I make BIG deals out of nonexistent problems, and as a result, make more problems along the way. Its like swimming against the currents. Fighting something that isn’t worth fighting. Im stressed because I don’t have any ideas, any NEW ideas for what to do for Emmy this year. Worried that I wont be able to come up with anything, that the year will go unmentioned, that I will somehow let other things slide while trying to pick up things that don’t matter…

And the list just goes on.

Last night I was worried about the kids. Worried that I had made the wrong choice in getting them back, when logically I know that their grandparents wont, and wouldn’t want to take them in, I couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with the setup? Why couldn’t they take them in? Why had I stepped in to fight to get Josh back, when there was a family WILLING and ABLE to take care of him, and offer him more than I could, and while I know the *Logical* answers to all of these things, logic wasn’t here last night. I was arguing with myself, against a brick wall.

…and then I harased a friend thinking that I had made her mad, when in all honesty the only thing that was most likely making her mad was the fact that I couldnt pull my shit together.

I know it will pass, I know things will go on, and life will continue. That the new year will come, and go. That January will leave as quickly as December, and life will go on as “Normal.” I know all this, but sometimes *knowing* something doesn’t make it any easier, or any better. Sometimes *knowing* something, doesn’t do anything but make matters worse. I *know* all this and more, but it still doesn’t stop me from wondering, questioning, worrying, and freaking it up on nights like last night.

Eventually, I tell myself, this too, will be part of that long awaited history.

Eventually.

Eventually.

Eventually.

Im waiting for the Hollywood ending to this soap opera called life.

Im waiting for everything to turn into something that would even warrant having a storybook ending.

Im waiting for something I know wont ever be.

Im stuck.

Between here and there. Between this and that. Im forced to choose right from wrong when I don’t even know up from down.

I see so many people so worse off than I, but I cant seem to see beyond any of my so called problems to lend a hand to help.

There doesn’t seem to be anything worse than the empty hopeless existence of pointless living.

I wish I could see the ending of this, of all this. To just flip forward and see a small glimpse of the end – but its then Im forced to remember – there is none.

It’s a continual circle that doesn’t have a beginning, and doesn’t have an ending…

People are stuck, on the never ending circle, called life, called a soap opera, called whatever you want with no beginning and no ending.

It all seems to be a bit much this year, for Josh. Yesterday wasn’t one of his “Best” days, and he spent a majority of his afternoon making noises and holding Simon, while looking for a corner, that was hidden with the tree that is soon to come down. Having not slept all that great last night, he was especially crabby this morning and had a complete melt down on the neighbors door step when I left him.

When I picked him up, things had apparently not gone any better. He was clearly tired, she said she tried to get him to nap – but he would have none of it. Good luck getting him to sleep anywhere other than his bed, with his blankets, and HIS things, especially if it is not HIS idea. She said he spent a majority of his time alternating between crying, and sitting on the ground screaming. Which sounded pretty typical.

I get it – his routine has been thrown off, big time. No school, no teachers, no bus. No morning hustle, no coming home to see the kids, no Madison or Dylan – period. A new baby sitter. A new routine. Plus there is the added bonus that it is snowing, and everyone is trying to bring him presents, to get him “Into the spirit” and he just isn’t buying any of it.

When we got home today, he walked all around – before melting down in the middle of the floor at the injustice of it all. I know what is causing the random bit of crankiness, but it still is frustrating. Because I want to help him, and I know I cant. I know that in a few days, he will be ok. He will adjust, and we will go through it all again when the kids come back, and the routine changes, yet again. But these few days arent going to be easy with him.

I can put up with a certain amount of whining, crying, screaming, and flat out refusal – especially since I know whats causing it, but what that certain amount is gone, its gone…and there is no bringing it back.

I feel bad for him, I know hes struggling, I know hes confused and frustrated, and I don’t like watching him this way. I don’t like watching him run around like a lost puppy…but at this point, there isn’t really anything I can do – which perhaps just makes it all the more difficult.

I know its Christmas, I know its “The season” (even though I still havent figured that one out) but it just doesn’t seem like it is…infact, I think I might almost be ready for Thanksgiving, but then again…maybe its just me.

Lets start at the beginning, shall we? Which started this morning, when I woke the kids up and told them it was time to go. You all know that moment, the one when you realize your up late, yet again, only today you really don’t have TIME to be late? Yea. That one.

The kids left this morning to see their grandparents for two weeks, this means that this morning I needed to have them at the airport no later than a certain time. Right? Right.

So after getting the kids up and ready and out the door with their bags, and stuff, and who knows what else, because I really didn’t even think they packed…we were off. Only to discover that lo-and-behold, I had read the ticket wrong. Infact, we were a few hours BEFORE time. I don’t honestly know how this happened, so don’t ask. It just…did.

But since they were already dressed, and up, and in the car, and we were at the airport, I couldn’t just…go back. We didn’t really have time for that, so instead, we decided to make a “Quick trip” to Walmart to get a few necessities that they had forgotten, and I hadn’t remembered until then. Things like tooth brushes, and shampoo. The things that they never use here at home, but I wanted to send with them just to make it look like we have things all under control up here.

Whats important to note here is that “Quick trip” and “Walmart” were used in the same sentence. I know better than that, really. I do.

Whats also important to note, is that just because we were a spell early, didn’t mean we had all day – we had close to an hour, because the airport is on the other side of the channel, which means a two minute ferry ride is needed. The only problem is the ferry leaves every 15 minutes, so if you miss the one your wanting, you wait 30 more minutes. Confused? Good. Your tracking well.

We headed out to Walmart, which is maybe 3 minutes away.

Unloaded, and headed in. I believe this may have been the first mistake. I know I have mentioned before that I don’t do crowds that well. Lots of people, together, in small spaces tend to do me in. Josh doesn’t handle these situations that well either – for different reasons of course. But it really was a recipe for disaster. And disaster it was.

After making our way in the door, past the loud animated toys and kids begging for money, past the greeters, shopping carts, horrible smells, and obnoxious adults, we were into the main lands.

Which were.

Overflowing with people.

Because folks, it’s the last week of Christmas here – and ½ the town is out there shopping their hearts out.

The aisle that was needed was simply a few paces to the right. It shouldn’t be that crowded was what I told myself – but it was. Because the four other aisle nested right beside this one, were the Holiday aisles. The ones that change constantly, and are always flooded with people, pushing and shoving, grabbing and fighting.

We made our way to where we were going with little trouble, grabbed the first few things we saw and attempted to make a quick get away – which wasn’t to happen.

The gob of people who had followed us in were walking past, on their way to the over crowded aisles, which pretty much left us blocked in. Which more or less turned into panic. Being trapped in a walmart aisle. I considered saying that I wouldn’t buy them toothbrushes, I would sell our souls, whatever, just let us out. Let us out now…but with the kids in tow, I didn’t figure it was a time to be freaking it up.

So we waited, and waited, for what seemed like hours, but in reality was only probably seconds.

The lines were brutal, because we all know that Walmart refuses to employ more than two people at the check stands, especially this time of year. The rest of them are off at meetings, or stocking the bare shelves, or sweeping the floors…or tending to the “Clean up in aisle 4” mishaps.

Since we were there, and since we were in the right check out, I decided to get some smokes to keep from having to go back into another store. Which was fine, until the lady in line behind us had a fit about me buying that with “Those precious children” and proceeded to give Josh what she later referred to as a “Love pat.”

I don’t know about you, but I know that if she had tried that with me, things would have been a little less pretty, and let me tell you things were NOT pretty. Josh was barely hanging in there, I know better than to take him into busy stores, I know how he reacts, but he was doing fine…he was clearly freaked out but he was doing ok – standing there as close to me as he could get, with his death grip on his bear – but he wasn’t screaming, he wasn’t freaking, he wasn’t doing much of anything, until that lady put her hand on his head – and then life at Walmart stopped.

Or atleast, life within a five mile radios stopped…and because its how I am, I finished buying what we had went in for, and paid, before walking out with a completely melted down version of the Josh we had brought in.

I know how he reacts, and I know why he reacted, so it wasn’t that big of a deal right then and there. He calmed down once we left the store, and didn’t seem to have too much permanent damage (a big lip from hitting the counter on his way down). We made it to the airport, on time, got the kids checked in, said good bye and the watched Josh freak out again, because they were leaving him…

Which was a bit harder to deal with than the Walmart melt down.

I knew what caused both of them, but the first one was easier to deal with. The first one was a result of too much in too short of time…too much noise, a stranger touching him, someone startling him, it was a given. But it was ok.

The second one was because they were leaving him, and although I tried to explain to him that they would be back – he didn’t seem to believe me, because all he saw was them walking away, leaving him on the opposite side of the glass – when he clearly wanted to go with them…

He doesnt attach himself to people that easily, doesnt trust that many people, doesnt get upset over too many people…but Madison and Dylan are on the top of his list.  They make his world go ’round, and they were leaving him…walking away calmly was not something he had planned on doing.

Edited to add: Tomorrow I will be back to clear some of this up.  Will try to make it the last of the continual rant of “How bad things are.”  Someone remind me of that.

I was in the middle of washing dishes, when it hit me. I was standing there, mentally making a list of all the thing that need to be done between now and then…when it hit me. Completely out of the blue. A thought that left me standing there, clueless as to why. I hate that. Hate those thoughts. Because I don’t know what to do with them. Where to go with them. How to process them….how to believe them.

Im waiting.

Waiting for this to be over. Waiting for a story book ending. Waiting for an ending that makes sense. Im waiting…for something that isn’t ever going to happen. Im waiting for an ending, an ending to put this to rest, to tie it up, set it on the shelf, and move on as if it didn’t happen. Im waiting. For the impossible.

Because it just doesn’t work that way.

You cant wrap this up and put it on the shelf…believe me. I have tried. If it were possible, I would have done it. But it isn’t possible…which is what has left me confused. Why? Why isn’t this working the way it was suppose to. Why isn’t life getting easier. Why isn’t this LEAVING. Why do I still remember. Why do I still miss.

Because.

Im waiting, on the impossible.

Last night I was talking to a friend, who is going through relationship issues. She mentioned that it wont ever it. It wont ever be over. A phrase I have often heard. “This wont ever end” and I always have to ask. Why. Why wont it. Why cant it. Why WONT it.

Because.

Because.

Because.

Some things, just don’t.

Its life. Its death. Its how it is.

These past two weeks have been weird, there just isn’t any other way to put it. This time of year is always difficult, Emmy went in for surgery, and the days leading to her death are the days that I am now forced to repeat, with just her memory, and the knowledge of what happened. It just makes things a little more difficult. But it seems every way I turn, there is another death. A long distance friend, a close friend, a relative, a neighbor.

And just for a measure of goodness…

My cousin who I wrote about a while ago, who has cancer…the treatments arent working anymore. The cancer is spreading, and she might have a brain tumor.

It just adds to the confusion, the frustration, the wonder…and finally…the conclusion that this? Wont end. I guess its time I stop waiting for that perfect, story book ending…and start living.

I guess its time I stop waiting, for something that isn’t going to happen, and just be.

I guess its time. To understand, that this. This isn’t just going to end. This is how it is, and how its going to be. I guess, its just time.

It could all be summed up in a few words.

My life: and the inability to move on from the past.

I lay here tonight, thinking of all the reasons why I need to keep it in & to myself. I see the road. The road that says “This isn’t that bad” “Just one more will be fine.” I see it slipping away. Because while most times I am able, able to keep it together, sometimes it comes out on its own – unexpectedly it rushes to be freed.

I have taken to writing on paper again. Something about watching the words form from a pen in my hand that flies smoothly across the paper – maybe it’s the control. The knowing that I AM in control of this oh-so-small portion of things. Things are changing. Too fast. I need time, yet have none. Need answers, yet have none.

Im where I wanted to be – why am I not happy?