Filed under: The kiddos, Warning! | Tags: Change, Josh, School, Thats part of "Growing up"
Yesterday I was suppose to go to a “Parent/Teacher” thing at Joshs preschool…but since he was sick, and I didnt really want to go out again, I didnt, and instead, went in today to see if there was something of importance that I missed. His teacher was nice enough to run through things with me fairly quick.
I dont know if Ive mentioned it or not, but lately, Josh has been going to preschool, once a week for two hours. Alone. This, is a big step for him, and one that I wasnt sure he was going to ever take. The first few times we went, he froze as soon as we got in the door, and any attempts from the teachers, or kids, would see Josh on the floor screaming like there was no tomorrow. Eventually…he warmed up, and while he wouldnt participate, he would stay…and not completely flip out if I left, of course, it took us a good few weeks to get to that point.
She went through things one by one, saying that he wasnt interest in drawing, which he never has been. Crayons have never appealed to him unless they were to eat…She said that he wont participate, except in one “Game” which is where he takes over, completing it. They have conned it the “Josh’s matching game” because he wont let anyone else play it. The game itself is suppose to teach kids shapes and colors. The only problem is, different shapes are different colors, and a lot of kids his age and younger, have a difficult time getting the right color AND shape. Apparently, Josh gets it right every time, and wont stop until its over. Im not so sure this is teaching him how to share…but…she didnt seem concerned with that.
She continued on. Saying that hes one of their best “Listeners” in that, when they read, or are told to stay in one spot…he will not move until directed to. After she was done bringing out the best in him, she got off to the “Areas” of concern. Like, his lack of vocabulary. Shes been concerned about that since day one, and it was really nothing new. She also said that he still gets a bit…antsy when I leave, but does settle down fairly quick. She was a little concerned about his “Lack of ability to make friends” but said all the kids in there love him….”Oh…and did you know he has a girlfriend?” she mentioned it as we walked to the other side of the room where she was going to show me his first ever “Attempt with the pencil” she said it in passing, and I wasnt sure she was actually talking to me.
“Yea, hes pretty good with the little ladies, I must say…” she talked on for a few minutes about how two girls, sisters, were really…into him, and he seemed to be as well. He often tries to share with them, and watches them closer than any of the other kids, I thought at first maybe he was just more…cautious about them, until she said that he actually shared his bear with them…then I knew it was more than just, him watching to make sure they didnt do anything to him…he doesnt share his bear, willingly with just everyone.
She showed me his “Pencil work” which was just a few dashes on paper. It hung neatly beside the rest of the class’ papers, some of which had their names scribbled out…next to theirs his looked pathetic. It looked…sad, and if you didnt know what you were looking for you couldnt even see anything but a blank sheet.
When I got home, I was still confused about him…having a girlfriend, I mean, I thought I had atleast a FEW years before one of them got a girlfriend/boyfriend. But I was curious, and so instead…I decided to ask him. The conversation with him went something to this effect:
“Josh…do you like John?” John, is a kid in his class who is known to be a bit…wild.
Josh was quick and shook his head.
“What about….Warren?” Another boy in his class, who isnt all that outgoing, sort of like Josh.
Josh waited a few seconds, and then slowly shook his head.
“How about….Alex? Do you like her?” Alex is a girl in his class…
He thought a few seconds, and shook his head again, no…apparently he didnt like Alex.
I listed off a few other names – none of who he seemed to like.
“What about, Ona?”
At the mention of her name, his eyes lit up, and he slowly started to nod his head…
“….and Evelyn?”
There was no mistaking it. Josh apparently likes the “Sisters.”
After it was all said and done, she handed me an envelope, she said it had a few of his “Papers” and also, the class was having a “Picture day” where the plan was to take pictures of the kids and send them home with parents to show them what the kids have been up to at school. The picture I got of Josh?
"Oooo...doesnt somebody look...giddy?"
He doesnt talk, but he doesnt have to, apparently. I guess Im not the only one who understands what he likes, and doesnt like. His teacher knows, his “Friends” know…I think I might be with Josh on this one…Why talk?
I must admit, I had a good laugh when I saw that picture, first off…Hes smiling (which he has been doing more often) but he looks…almost like hes been caught, doing something, or hes not sure hes suppose to smile? Either way…I will update on his actual “Progress” here sooner or later…Im just waiting, for the timing to be, you know, right?
This picture was also in there (although it was of the entire class – and I cut most of the kids out, just because…) I thought it was kind of neat to see him sitting that close to another kid who he doesnt know all that well…aside from his “Girlfriends” he gets a long pretty well with the other kids as well…I also smiled at the fact that he made sure his bear was part of this picture.
…and I cant do it tonight,
…and Ive been functioning on less than 2 hours of sleep these past few nights thanks to the oh so famous words “I dont feel so good”…
This is as good as its gonna get:
I dont promise, but I hope to accomplish atleast one of the following tomorrow (A few years ago, one of my therapist sent me home with the above statement. I never finished it, but instead, thought I would do something…crazy with it tonight):
- Assemble an atleast 1/2 way readable post, with words that make sense to atleast…myself.
- Clean the house, do the dishes and redo the laundry that the cats used as a litter box.
- Rehang the gutters that came off in the snow storm
- Take Josh to his therapist, atleast make an effort at going by another preschool
…and make it home on time to have the last visit with the state.
- Solve all the worlds problems
- Fix everything and anything
- Come up with answers to all the questions Ive been asked
- Make sense of lifes issues
- Solve Joshs problems
- Make it through the day without any break downs (from both the kids and myself)
- Try not to loose any kids in any stores
…and make it to bed at a reasonable time
But…because things will not go anything liked “Planned” Tomorrow will most likely, look something a little bit like this:
- There will be no post. Infact, words wont have even been thought of because my mind will be a long way away from here.
- Forget cleaning the house…we got up late. Whatever with the dishes, paper plates work wonders, and the cats can use those clothes…see if I care.
- Gutters? Who needs em’ not us.
- Drop Josh off at his therapist and run around town trying to tie up all the loose ends I have…only to pick Josh up 15 minutes late, the attempt at the preschool will be the drive by we do on our way home to…
- Meet the state an hour late, where I will attempt to reason with her, explaining why were late, and the house is a mess, and why Josh is screaming and crying and throwing himself on the ground.
- Fixing the worlds problems wont even be on my list, Ive got enough of my own to fix
- Fix everything and anything into dinner because I didnt make it to the store, is the only thing Ill be fixing.
- Ive got the perfect answer to all those questions. “I dunno…ask google” its worked so far…it will work for tomorrow
…and If I solve all of lifes issues…I think I might not be here…
- Solving Joshs problems will continue on another day, because I havent had the time to research anything anymore.
- There will be many of breakdowns, for sure. Both from the kids, and myself. I can already plan on that
- As far as loosing kids in the store? As long as we stay away from the store, I cant loose em’
- Bed time will be set ahead a few hours, because something tells me tomorrow night isnt going to be any different…
Now, if you’ll be kind enough to excuse me, I have some kids to get back, to bed…or dishes to do, or you know…there is always sleep to be had…
Filed under: Warning!
I mean really…what was I thinking, talking to snow, leaving with the famous last words of “Bring it on”. This…is what I ran into this morning on my way out the door.
{Incase you didnt catch that, that is snow…piled in front of the door}
Snow is in our weather forecast. Snow, for the next week, or so…depending. Which wouldnt be so bad…considering….
On our way home Sunday, traffic was at a crawling pace…cars in the ditches everywhere…you couldnt see but a few feet ahead…blizzard like weather.
A few weeks ago, we were hit with the “Freezing” temperatures…we hovered around “below 10″ for a few weeks, and then, this week, were hit with this. Which, if you cant tell…is snow.
I know…Alaska, deal with it, dont you LIVE in the snow 24/7? No. Not really. Infact, I dont particularly LIKE the snow. We deal with the rain, the rain is our thing. We measure rain in feet. But snow? We usually only get a few inches every year, unless you are talking about the year that we got buried under six + feet of it. But that was a few years ago. No, the part of Alaska we live in is rain forest country…not “Snow forest” country.
Late last week, we were told to expect a few inches of snow. That was late Thursday night, I believe. By Friday night we were covered in a foot or more of it…and told to prepare for rain. Of course…it continued to snow….and snow….and….snow. By Sunday afternoon, we were buried in 3+ feet of it….with more coming heavily. Blizzard like conditions, with cars in ditches, and power outages through out the town, all but one store was closed, and of course, there was a power line laying in the middle of the road.
But what did I expect, taunting it with words like “Bring it on” and “Im ready”?
Conditions only got worse over night, and because the state snow plow was broke, the roads were piling up fast with snow. Drive ways were like glaciers, and just because people seem to be their smartest when it snows…there were people of all sorts of makes, wandering around in the middle of the road, dodging cars, and such.
Today it died down some…and gave us a chance to catch up with it. We were left with approx 4 feet, depending on where you stand. The snow plow was fixed, but promptly went in the ditch, outside our house…where a cop, who was inspecting it, slipped, and landed on his back, if that can tell you anything about driving conditions.
Sorry people South of here…those of you who are dealing with the 5+ feet of snow, there isnt any good news coming from this way, atleast not yet.
October is…a very confusing month, atleast here, for me. Most years, when things, like this month, dont make sense, I retreat, step back, and stay within the confines of the well known. I suck it in, and stay “Inside of myself” more or less. But this year…I have the kids. Two very hyper, constantly on the go, active kids, and I cant afford to “Suck back” right now…Oh sure, theyd be fine, but Id miss out on another large portion of their lives and Id start to wonder where they had went…and how I had missed it…again.
The thing is, I never know what year, what month, what day, really, is going to bring, and thus, I cant prepare in advance for these things…sometimes, its just fine…and other times, its just not. This year I find myself, forcing myself to do things, and pushing myself to go for it, when really, I want to hang back and see what happens…its been a fast, action packed year, and really Ive wanted to do nothing more than sit back, in the comfort of things known and watch the world go by…I want to suck myself out of the world, out of the fast paced rat race, and watch for a while…but I cant…because Im in the middle of things, and stepping back, and watching would forfeit everything Ive pushed myself for this year.
While Im used to having time to think things over before making major life impacting choices, I find myself making split second decisions and only later, having time to rethink them. Maybe its good..maybe its better…I dont have as much time to try and process it, and I can spend a LONG time processing ONE thing. Maybe its better…but eventually, it catches up…and here we are, 10 months into the year, and its all starting to catch up….the choices, decisions and questions that never were answered…if I let myself, I could stand and stare, questions and decisions swirling by, I could stare at one spot and pretend I was spinning in circles, because thats how it seems…but Ive tried not to. Ive tried to stay up with things, and stay up in the way of life, and the kids. Ive tried….and Im trying…
But there comes a time, when things hit me…and it would seem that this years events have hit me. My mind empties of all things known, and my head starts to spin….every single choice I made this year is coming back to be “Re thought” and “Re decided” everything is begging for time, and everything is calling my name….and its become easier to get bogged down with the little details, instead of focusing on the main goal, and letting the little gritty-s of life handle themselves.
I suppose you couldnt tell from here, but normally, Im not a very…talkative person…ok, maybe I should rephrase that somewhat. In the previous years, Ive much rather preferred to keep to myself, and avoid people at all costs. Its been somewhat better this year, as Ive pushed myself to get out there and get over it. But in years past, Id avoid a grocery store at all cost. I would avoid people like the plaque and wouldnt go out unless I was fairly positive nobody would be out and about. Most of this had to do with I assumed that when people said “Hi, how are you” they wanted your lifes story. Your run down on life and how you REALLY truly are doing…and most times, I didnt know….and instead of going along with their “Hi how are you” slogan and realizing that it was a passing by comment, and not a conversational piece, I sunk back and avoided people. This years gotten better, but yea, there still are those times…like when I took the kids school shopping, for instance. I still dislike big crowds.
All this said to mean not to many people know the REAL story behind things, and even fewer people know what the heck went on in October, and why I dislike it so much. Really, after six years, it shouldnt be a big deal, but it is, and while I try my hardest to keep it from showing….it shows…more often than I prefer. It pops up randomly when I see an expiration date in the stores, for October 22. It pops out occasionally when someone mentions a certain word…its there…and I think really, it always will be there, somewhere…its just how I deal with it, that matters.
I guess maybe this is a disclosure…a warning that things are going a bit…crazy over here…and Im honestly not sure what tomorrow is holding….a warning that while not intentional, I may say or do something that will ultimately offend someone…or something I say, will come across differently than how I intend it to, and I wont catch it until the damage is done…Its not intentional, but it may very well happen….Because most likely sometime in the course over the next few months I will say or mention something about my past, and what it means…its bound to happen sooner or later….I shy away from politics, and dont talk much about my view on certain things…but I do talk about life…my life…and things that have happened…I just want to say now, before its to late, that really…these words arent meant to harm anyone…its my way, if you will, to try and understand things that dont make much sense….I hope that nothing I say hits people wrong, and if it does…they say something…so I can change it…dont take it personal if I mention something….most often, its just pre-thought thoughts…that I havent figured out yet…most likely, my view will change…tomorrow.
But until then….
Please dont take this wrong, because not everything I say is coming out right.
You know, its impossible, to stay away from fast Internets long…infact I think I might just be having with drawls just thinking about leaving it behind…but hey…whatever…
Soooo….because I have to, and because I can, Im going to do this before I loose it all on the plane ride home, Im fearing the worse, considering things went smooth coming down…
Neither of the kids wanted to go back and try and to harras their grandparents into taking them shopping…and beings they were to “Busy” yesterday (and today, as well) and oh, the rest of the time because gosh, I should have told them…I opt to take them shopping myself, forgetting temporarily that I had a fear of shopping, and people and yadda yadda. When we arrived at the Walmart (er, Super Walmart, if it matters) I should have taken the hints with the numbered isles for parking, but I didnt. We parked. Jumped out, and hit the store. Upon entering I briefly considered turning and running for the hills. Let me explain….
Our Walmart? Isnt…”Super” as they call them here. We have no produce, dairy, meat center. We dont have 3 isles devoted to markers, and we do NOT have the separate section of the store all dressed up for gardening, we do, however, have a green house that shows up every Summer.
We have our nice little store all decked up with the latest greatest and such. We have the clothing, select shelf foods, and even? We have a photo area. We have electronics, and its big enough to loose yourself in….but not..literally…because you ALWAYS know which way is out…its…that size. The kind where its always crowded because the towns population likes to gather there….so yea.
Come on, you knew it was coming the day I got lost in a Walmart, er, SUPER Walmart store. Go ahead, laugh. Whatever. I would have to, if I werent busy trying to figure out how we went from “clothes” to “vegetables” and wondering where the hell we WERE, because last time I checked? We were in Walmart. While it was obvious? We were lost? There was NO WAY I was going to ask someone how to get to the front of the store. No. Ha. No. We wandered around in circles, me panicking more and more each minute, while trying to remain calm, you know, so the kids didnt get scared? They were oblivious….they were just in awe that this Walmart was so….HUGE. I was too, honestly. But I had no time for such.
By the time we finally did find the entrance/exit, a quick glance at the lines? Told me that shopping these gigantic stores was not for me. We turned, and yes, left. Again. *Sigh* Yea, maybe the kids will get school supplies. Maybe not. Its a toss up. My mom, however, has graciously offered to take them…the only problem there is she doesnt have a problem spending the money that I dont have *gulp*. Like I said…a toss up. Go myself, and risk getting lost again. Or send my mom and risk loosing more money than I have…
Tomorrow we head off to another (unexpected) wedding in another part of the country. Then Tuesday we shall be back to the land of the small. The endless roads will be replaced with the dead end streets and the golden wheat fields will be replaced with crystal waters. The sun will be replaces by rain, and the stores will return to their normal size. The prices will go up, and work will go on….we will return home. Hopefully, in one piece. Or close to it.
I will however, leave you with a bit of advie. When shopping large stores, such as the ones mentioned above? A map, or general direction atleast, is a good idea, atleast then you can be spared the “Were lost, arent we” comments as you weeve your way through the parking lot…fun times.
Eventually….things will return to the somewhat normal state we left, and maybe, just maybe, my mind will return as well…although the bids are very low on that end….
Until then….The disconected, non logical, nonsense, thoughts will contine to roll…and by the way? My youngest nephew, Josh, turned 4…the 28th, another one of those “dates” I was avoiding…Happy Birthday, buddy. Four. Already…I suddenly? Feel very old.
You know somedays you wake with a thundering thought, only….its a bit to late, because you could have used the though the day BEFORE? Of course, I dont ever wake up with thundering thoughts of profoundness, except today, I realized what a mistake I had made…a day too late…Im not trying to imply that usually I wake with knowledge…Im pretty sure Im pretty far off the mark, just saying the thought came a little to late for me. Because for whatever reason, I woke up with a streak of stupidity yesterday…because after work, for WHATEVER reason, the kids and I hit up the town….oh….please dont do this to me again.
Every year, the first weekend in August, the town throws together a “Local artist party” which basically consist of tons of booths (sort of like the 4th of July) where local artist try and sell their “Art”. Its a big hit in town, filled with slug races, pie eating contests and live “music” and also pretty much the entire towns population is there, and usually theres about 3 cruise ships in town. Get the idea? Ok. Moving on.
I should have known when it took like….twenty trips around town to find a parking spot…and when we did finally find one? It was a good days journey to get TO town. Either way…there we were, hiking it up…trying not to panic around the hundreds of people that flooded around. After we made our way through the crowds, me in all my GREAT wisdom decided “Oh hey…its Saturday afternoon, most of the town is HERE, why not head to Walmart?” Oh sanity…why did you leave me? Instead of driving, and thus, forfeiting our parking spot, we opt to ride the bus…considering it was also $1 bus day. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. I cant say it enough.
We stood there, baking in the heat, because of all days it was suddenly HOT, even though the sun was scarce… But there we were, the two kids, and I. Bus waiting. Here? There are maybe….two buses. One goes that way, while the other goes the other way. Not bad, really…but when we stepped on that bus and it was LOADED, meaning not only was every seat filled? But just about every standing place was as well. I should have turned around there, but the kids were excited, and I had already stuck our dollar in…and there was no turning now because well we were now being shoved in by the rest of the poor folk trying to shove their way on. Anyone ever ride a crowded, or rather, overcrowded bus on a hot day? Anyone ever SMELL that? Anyone want to? Again, not smart.
We made our way, finally, out to Walmart, us and 1/2 the towns population on that tiny little bus. Only to discover that hey, lookie here! The rest of the town! I dont know if Ive mentioned it before or not, but I have a tendency to panic around lots of people. Its not as bad as it used to be, I used to avoid people like the plaque. There was a few times that Ive abandon ship in the middle of the store because there were to many people…but Ive come a distance, I like to think, atleast. It was a step, a very LARGE step (forward? Im not so sure) for me to go down town with THAT many people and load a bus with even MORE people to go to a store with even MORE people…although its not like I really had a choice, considering we had an hour until the next bus came.
Plus…Ive been informed that school starts sometime this year? Anyone want to know how long it takes me to shop for kids and school stuff, even if they are right there with a list? Yea, me neither. Madison was all excited about school shopping and I couldnt burst her bubble, although when we stood there, facing the doors watching as people shoved their way in and out, I think my mouth might have gaped some, because she slipped her hand in mine and whispered something about it being ok. I wish she would have been right, but that would teach me to believe an overly excited 11 year old, because in we went.
We managed, somehow, Im not quite sure how, to push our way back to the school supply area, where she engrossed herself with the brightly colored, and overly priced, I might add also, items, asking me what she should get. I told her to get what she thought she needed, and Dylan too, because we wouldnt be coming back. I was to busy looking like a paranoid bug, watching for that one person to run us over, you might say that I lost track of time somewhere around there…and by the time we managed to push our way to the front of the store, and find a line that didnt reach OUTSIDE, and after we got checked out, good bye $100, and made our way OUT the doors, where I could have kissed the ground, did I realize…the bus? Yea. Was pulling out. I temporarily considered running after it, and begging for it to stop, but I had lost Dylan in the crowd and didnt think it would be wise to leave him behind.
Instead, there we sat. Tiny bench, ok? One, tiny bench, that when we got there? Was empty. Considering the bus had JUST left. There we sat, me slowly regaining consciousness after being shoved in every imaginably place, and then some, because I guess the crowd was in a BIG hurry and when you swim against the current…that tends to happen. The kids, however, were still excited about the whole ordeal, and paid little attention. It wasnt but 20 minutes later that the bus heading in the opposite direction of town, stopped by. I didnt care what way it was heading, had I known? I might have waited…but we loaded, and got a grand tour of the north end of town before heading back and picking the rest of the Walmart group up and began the descent homeward.
Oh sweet sanity, if only I could have you again. But I do believe you are gone for good. I do believe youve left me, and I do wonder why…we were good friends, were we not?
I guess, we did get some time to be together, the kids and I, not sanity. I guess maybe I did get a chance to work on my “Fear of people” But I can say this…It will be a very, VERY long time before I go out on a Saturday afternoon, via bus, to Walmart….and as far as “School shoppings” considered? I think I might hire someone to go for us, either that, or we will be found in the wee hours of the morning…when there are no people to be found…or at very least? Not on the busiest day of the year, that is, next to Black Friday (I think its called?) When the entire world gathers for shopping? Yea. Next time I think I might question myself…some.
Today was……not really even worth putting into words, if there was some way TO put it into words, because crappy, shitty and everything else just doesnt seem to explain the way the day went today. I havent been feeling that great lately, my head and neck hurt like hell, my stomech, besides being in knots 24/7, feels like its taking a trip to hong hong, leaving me here to deal with it. Add stress and everything else ontop of this magnifiscent pile of things and hand it to me, and youve got your self on hell of a mixture – Today.
And so….the day went by, very slowly. Letting me feel every second, making the next second more painful then the last, untill finally, FINALLY PEOPLE! The clock sturck four, and you count have said “time to go” Before I was out of there. On my way home. Or where I refer to as ‘home’ where I attempted to sleep, but when sleep doesnt come, You hopelessly get up drag yourself to the next best thing.
So why? Why today? Why so bad? If only, IF ONLY I KNEW! But I dont. I only have the slightest, tiny, wenniest clue. And that is, because today, it really seemed to click, something inside that wasnt…clicking before, seemed to click, and lights went off. No matter how hard I work at it, no matter how long and hard, no matter how much effort I put into it, It wont happen. What wont happen? I wont get all the kids back. Why? Because. Molly is dead. Shes gone. Shes seriously, gone. Yea, you say, its been what….almost a year? No, Its been about 3-4 months. And yea, it just now, clicked. Clicked that she isnt coming back, and let me tell you, thats one hard piece of shit to digest.
I dont reccomend you try it, but instead, take my word on it. Its hard, not matter how many times you go through it, its hard to come to that realisation that they arent coming back, that they really are gone, and that it does suck and hurt and will, for days,weeks, months, years to come. Its something that has to happen though, and it wont happen untill your there, and well…..as much as I dont want to BE HERE, as much as I really seriously HATE THIS SHIT, I know that it has to happen. In order to move on if this life, I have to accept that fact, and no, its NOT a fact that I, me as a person here, DOES NOT WANT TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT SHES GONE.
So please, as my heart seizes up, and my head spins with the whys and hows of this pointless, heartless, cold world, please dont tell me you know how I feel, or that you know HOW I should feel, because more than likely I will just rip your words to shreds, and let my anger rip on you. Consider this your warning.
Filed under: Warning!
So, yea, now what? Right! Theres more holidays yet to come. Everyones favorite time of year. Ive asked different people, if they remember what they were up to last year around this time, and as to be expected, most of them have a general idea of atleast what they were up to. Me? Notta. I have absolutely no idea what I was up to last year, I mean, I have a very vauge idea, but not enough to tell you. If I knew you, and talked to you, and you refreshed my memory, Id probly remember what you were up to, but not as far as what I was doing.
I do, however, recall one certain ‘idea’ of mine, that stuck with me, or atleast struck me this holiday was that of the ‘black days’ what that means? Hell, all I know is NOT I repeat, NOT to go out this day. Why? Apparently, this is the worlds largest shopping day, meaning every thing and or person and or there dog will be, I reapeat WILL BE out….shopping. Or just standing there, either one. Anyways, last year, I most unfourtunaltly was caught…in this crowd. Apparently, no one told me that this horrible thign was happening, and I just so happeend to have the day off, and wandered down town to purchase a little heater.
Now. When I got there, the store was mostly empty, I selected my item, all under 5 min, btw, and made my way to the check out. Where….there was….HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS, littereally,of people. Where the hell they came from? No clue, but I left my little heater and I ran. Out of there. And man, did I never go back there, and this year, when I peeked in the paper from the safety of my home, and I Saw the ’sales’ at this place, I made a mental note to NOT go back. And I didnt.
Filed under: Warning!
People in general. Stupid people.
Regular People. I hate em all.
