Josh,
I don’t know what happened, during that year you were gone. I don’t know whats going to happen on the 22nd, and I don’t know what your future holds. I don’t know how long you will live, or what you will grow up to be, I cant promise you happy days, and a wonderful, productive life, I cant even tell you dinner will be “On time” every night. I cant promise to be able to answer all your questions, or give you everything you need, or want. I can try. But that’s it.
I have watched you…these past few months…and what Ive seen has told me everything I need to know, and more.
Watching you, listening to you, and seeing how much you have changed, and grown these past months, tells me that your going to be ok. No matter what. That you’re a strong little boy who will do what you need to do, when you need to, in your time, and not a minute sooner. That although you are hesitant, you will trust people again, and that you will trust with your whole heart.
The looks, stares, questions and advice weve received these past few months, has made me cringe, and wish I could somehow take you, and fix all of your problems. People arent understanding, and I wish there was something I could do to prevent you from having to go through this…I want to give you a “normal” childhood, one that isn’t filled with frustration, confusion, and hardships – because while I know that any child, has struggles, it seems to me you’ve been dealt an extra heavy measure, and I wish I could somehow keep you from going through it.
But something tells me you’ll be ok. You don’t seem to mind what people think of you, I just hope this doesn’t change as you get older.
I cant tell you, you wont have to repeat preschool, or go to kindergarten in diapers. I cant promise that you wont sleep in your crib the rest of your life, and haul your bear off to high school with you. I cant really, even tell you that you will be here next month. I cant promise anything, or give you anything to hold onto, I cant give you any hope, anywhere, anytime – because I don’t know. Im learning things right along side of you. At times it seems you catch on a lot faster than I do…sometimes it seems like you understand the things I don’t, because even though your vocabulary is very limited, your eyes seem to tell the story clearer than words could.
Your young, your innocent, you’ve got your whole life laid out ahead of you, yet someone abused that…they took advantage of your sweet innocence…and tore up your future. Atleast, it seems they have. I don’t have the answers, and I know, that someday, you might want them. You might want to know things that I don’t know how to answer…you might want answers to things that simply, cant be answered.
The story lays here, and although I have torn through it over and over and over again, I cant make sense of it. The words are there, they just don’t make sense. The theories are there, but they don’t add up.
I cant promise you things will go the way I hope they will in court…I can tell you, that in 9 days, this whole ordeal will hopefully be over with, once and for all, and we can close this chapter. I can tell you that if it isn’t, I will continue to fight until either Im dead, or your back where you belong…and even then, I wont quit.
Buddy…your loved, more than I think you will ever know, and while I might not be able to give you the answers I hope to, while things might not make sense, and when the world seems as though its crashing in all around you, I hope to be able to give you this tiny shred of hope, that we love you…and that you are a vital piece of this family…This family that has been torn up so many times, Im not even sure it counts as one.
…and at times when it seems that we just can NOT go on one more day, when it all seems pointless, and you seem so…locked up in your world, you smile, you laugh, you break out into a fit of laughter, its contagious, and the worlds problems seem to melt away, leaving us with the best little guy I could have ever hoped for…
I wont stop fighting for you, no matter what…If you can fight, then so can I…it’s the least I can do for you…
Looking forward to spending many more years with you, and watching you grow…
You’re a special kid…
Your Uncle.
P.S. Feel free to stop growing so fast.
Filed under: The Island, The kiddos | Tags: disconnected & random, Josh, My thoughts
Before its to late…
Five months ago (has it really been that long?) when I got Josh back, we went through just about every hoop I could think of to find him some sort of help. If there was such thing. Each time I thought we had finally found the answers to this problem, we were turned away with the final words of “Hes helpless” hearing those words from so called professionals, time after time, after a while you began to wonder “Is there help?” because after a while you start to believe the only advice, the only things your being told. The only person who was willing to take Josh on, is his now current therapist – the only one willing to get his hands dirty with this so called “Helpless case”. Ive told this story before, haven’t I?
What Im trying to get at is this:
A few months ago, he told me that he really has no idea where to go with Josh. That his job is pretty much to deal with kids who already are diagnosed with something. He cant diagnose kids…and while he has a pretty good hunch, hes not completely certain, and there for, cant give a final diagnosis. He isn’t completely confident with his “Gut”. Instead, he referred us to a {help me out here} Psychologist (?) I have no clue if that is the right word. I mix them all up, and have given up hope on ever getting them straight. I call them all therapist…but Im not sure that’s the correct name. Anyways…he recommended that I take Josh down and get him evaluated. He said that once hes been evaluated, they will somehow corresponded long distance, and hopefully get this mess settled. From what Im told, getting an appointment with this certain doctor is not easy, and normally there is a waiting list. Somehow, Josh wound up with an appointment for last week. Now…let me explain something else.
A few months ago, I promised my mom that I would take the kids down on Spring break to see her. I totally forgot all about this and we took a trip to California a few months ago (remember?). I forgot all about it until just before last week, she reminded me, and I had to tell her that we couldn’t. I had totally forgotten and there was no way I could afford a trip that soon. Alaska has a special in the winter months on the ferry, and my mom, broke a deal I couldn’t resist. She offered to pay our way on the ferry, split the gas ½ and even fly the older two kids back home after spring break was over so Josh and I could attend his appointment. It was a deal I couldn’t really refuse, and took her up on it. But. We all know what happened here on Spring break, don’t we? Does “Six plus inches of snow” ring a bell? The idea of driving through Canada into the lower states, with three kids in the middle of a snow storm, suddenly didn’t sound so fun anymore…and I had to cancel our plans…Joshs appointment, was also, postponed until we can get out of here.
My mom still plans to fly up here (this afternoon), and when the weather clears, Josh and I will (hopefully) be south bound. The plan is was to leave Sunday – but this morning we woke up to blizzard like conditions, and now, Im not sure. If we don’t leave Sunday, the next ferry leaves Thursday, and so forth.
As of now, the plan is NOT to leave, but everything could change tomorrow. For right now, Im fine with staying put in THIS snowy land. Driving cross country with Josh, in a snow storm, doesn’t sound thrilling. Oh, it sounds exciting, and adventurous, but…Im not up for THAT kind of adventure just now. So for now, we will sit. We will wait, and hopefully, sometime not to far from now, the weather, and ferry schedule will align, and we might find “Help” for the “Helpless” Wish us luck, were going to need all we can get…
Filed under: The Island, The kiddos | Tags: Kids, School, Thats part of "Growing up"
“Reporting Live, here from Alaska, answering the question, just what do we do for Spring Break?”
1. Drop kids off at a house, alone. Leave packs of cookies.
—The neighbor, had to leave this afternoon, and left Josh at home with the other kids. Which is fine…I think, I don’t know (?). Apparently Josh did ok, which, what four year old wouldn’t, they watched movies and ate cookies all day. Anyone want to take a crack at what I came home to tonight? No, it doesn’t involve flour. It involves “Three Sugar Buzzed Kids” though. Anyone want to see what hyper looks like, because Im looking at it now.
2. Kick kids outside into the fresh 2-3 inches of snow.
—After I got home, I got fed up with the noise, and rucus, and all around sugar buzzed-ness of them, and sent them outside to play. I don’t know, but I think Josh was a little TO “High” because I was standing out there, taking some random pictures to document that “Hey” it’s the middle of March, and were STILL snowed in” When I saw Josh hop on a sled with Madison. I did a little double take, and wondered if I should stop him then, or later…
3. Take Pictures
—Yea. That is going to hurt. He didn’t cry. But he did look a bit…stunned when he walked back up the hill, and I don’t think he will be getting on a sled, anytime soon – but that’s just a guess.
4. Yell at whoever it is, that came up with “Spring Break” in the first place
—Spring Break.
Whoever invented such a day, should be forced to live with us on a “Not so springy” Spring Break day. Seriously. Its been 20 and below this week, and a “Winter watch advisory” for the rest of the evening. All day has been filled with heavy snow and showers. This is NOT Spring, so there should not be a “Spring Break”, no? Im guessing whoever it was, was NOT from Alaska.
Day two in Spring Break (could go something like this):
- They ate cookies all. day. long.
- After being cooped up in the house all day long, they went out side
- To, yes, sled on Spring Break.
- No one was injured, Im taking this as a good sign.
Two days down, 495,439,943,394,4322 hours left to go. Or, you know…something like that.
Its been rough this week, with everything else that has been going, there have been the thoughts that I was going to have a three day weekend. While that would normally thrill anyone else, it sent panic waves to my mind. Not only did I not know what to do with three days off, I was worried about making it financially this month and didnt want to risk things with having three days off. Im used to working atleast 6 days a week. While the logical side told me things would be fine, that three days werent going to make or break anything, the not so logical side, argued the other side. Things were going to be a total flop, and as usual, I went off the deep end with the “Not so logical” side of things.
This morning, I got the kids off to school, and by the time Josh was up, I had the house cleaned, dishes done and the cats were even fed. Its a sad, sad situation when our house is clean, you have to know something was wrong. The internet was off and on today, and after Josh had ate, and was dressed, I had nothing left that had to be done. I didnt think he would be impressed if I followed him around, trying to remember what to do, or how to do it, and so instead, I loaded him up and we headed off towards town.
This week, of this month, is the one week that I love. Not this week in particular, but the one week that comes mid February. The one that gives the people who are crazy enough to live here year round, enough to hold onto, until Summer arrives. In the middle of the cold snap, the freezing weather that has been below teens, one week in February comes along and gives us all a tease. It warms up to about 20, the sun comes out, and things start to defrost some. It invites the birds back, and the plants start to bloom, and we the people, drag out our short sleeves, and shorts because something about the week of 20 degree weather in the middle of winter makes us believe that we live in Florida, and not Alaska. For one week, we can pretend. For one week, we run around thinking Summer is here, and we must be dreaming, because we are setting a record here people, five days straight of sun. Sure, its been cold, but not THAT cold, cold is in the teens and below. This is warm, this is Summer. I think we hit 23 today. This is clearly, big.
With that in mind, Josh and I headed off, windows down freezing ourselves off just to prove that we could and would, enjoy the small bit of sun light. Josh has been difficult today, the past few days, to be honest. He knows whats expected of him, and what not to do, but he does it anyways, and while its easy to let him get away with small things, I try not to. If he does some thing he knows hes not suppose to, he puts himself in time out, but it doesnt stop him from trying it over again not even five minutes later. Its frustrating, and he knows it. He pushes the limit, and trys to see just how far I will let him take something. Its the holding firm to what I say, thats been the problem. Its easier just to say “We’ll get him next time” instead of dealing with it then.
But today, I was determine to let some of the good weather rub off on us. I was convinced that we were going to have a good day, dammit. We pulled over at the beach, and I let him go. For the next two hours, we walked up and down the beach. We covered everything from rocks, to water, to seaweed. For the next two hours, he was able to just be. Be himself. Be who he was, and not have to worry about who was watching, who cared, or how to act. He laughed, he smiled, he looked at rocks, he tossed rocks. He was happy, and because of it, I was happy. Sure, it took him longer than average to cover the beach, it took us a while to get from one point to the other, and no, he wouldnt get near the water, but still. He was happy. He had a good time, and around then, I realized that I could get used to this. This time off. Especially if it comes in ways like this:
Heres to hoping that this weather, and attitude will carry on through the weekend. Heres to a better week, a better day, and an all around better way.
Normal “Fall” or “Autumn” as some refer to it as, is spread out over a weeks length of time. We get really, dark wet weather, and really strong winds that rip the leaves off the trees in less than a day. Then. We sit. We wait. We wait with our bare trees for winter to arrive. This year Ive seen something different however, and its been rather…interesting to watch. Instead of our standard “Fall” its been a few weeks of it. It got really wet and windy, and everyone agreed that fall, was indeed, upon us. But a few days later the sun was out, the leaves were still in tack, and everyone was simply confused. No one complained however, about the late Summer weather we were getting, even though it dipped into the low 40s at night. We were happy with the sun, the sun that stayed longer than it has all summer…the sun that stayed with us for a week!
However, this past week, it would appear, that the sun was there to simply “Dry out” the leaves, something that really, is unheard of here. There were a few days when the leaves were…get this, actually crunchy. Meaning when you stepped on them? They made a sound other than a squishiness. There were a few days when the leaves scattered in the road were more than wet piles of mush. They were leaves…and that was rare. But…it happened. The storminess returned. A few weeks ago, there was a really great heavy fog that set in, delaying flights, and canceling ferries in the morning hours. It was a heavy fog that stayed around for some time…and just today, we discovered why.
Why….its been snowing! Thats why! These past few days while weve been getting soaked in our share of rain, the mountains have been getting covered…in icky, nasty, white stuff….snow. We were driving into town tonight and Madison thankfully pointed out (because I SO would have missed it!) that…”Is that snow?” to which I hummed around and pretended NOT to hear her, because if I didnt hear her, maybe the snow didnt either.
So yea. Our mountains are snowy again, the weather is chilly again, and the leaves are…yes…gone and soggy again. There are pumpkins in the store (already?!) and Im just WAITING for those holiday tunes to start up again.
But really….how can one tell when Fall has begun? Or ended, really. When does it really begin, and end? I know in most places there is a different season. There is your spring, Summer, Fall and winter. Seasons that you can tell when they are there, seasons that one night it becomes cold, and you say “Oh, fall is here!” or the sun comes out and “Its SUMMER!” but here? Its hard to tell, really. The only real seasons we have are Rain, Rainy, and Rain-ier. No, I guess how you would tell when a season change has happened, is when the stores start to bring things season related items in…stores, that is, other than Walmart who seem to be selling Spring flowers already, and have Christmas stuff on clearance.
No, there are a few stores in town here, that are really good about keep “Seasons” in check. One of the ways you can tell that Fall is here…is to check for fall related items. Pumpkins, Trees, Flowers, you get the idea….and now, as if the “Snow” werent bad enough…there are pumpkins in the store, to which the kids begged and whined and threw themselves on the ground at my mercy to buy them the ONE thing that they desperately NEEDED, which is a pumpkin….three weeks early. Of course, I couldnt say NO…or couldnt convince them that they would most likely rot by the time it got around to using them, or because I was tired of the dirty looks that said “What? You wont buy those poor, helpless children an innocent pumpkin?” Which ever way, that is how we ended up paying WAY to much for two overly gigantic orange balls that will most likely be forgotten about by tomorrow….
But tonight as I headed out of their room, I did a double take as I saw two very familiar orange looking objects sticking out of a pile of blankets on Joshs bed (First off, I suppose I should be glad that they didnt sleep with them?? Secondly, how am I going to explain THIS one to the state tomorrow??) I guess its the small reminders that let us know Fall is here and winter is right behind it…but more importantly, the small things that remind me why I did this in the first place…because as I shook my head and laughed with them as I headed out their bedroom door, I remember shutting the same door, wishing for something, someone, to be in there…I think its the small things. The small reminders…that matter. The small things that remind you of something, some good some bad…the small reminders that keep you in check.
Filed under: The Island
Beings its tour season, the odd comments return, and Im left to wonder how many different ways there are to respond to “Whats the sea level” when, clearly, were AT sea level. I was thinking over these things the other day while playing dodge tourist…it was an especially sunny say, the first one this year, actually, it was about 60, along side the tourist were the locals, of course, you could tell who was who, as all the locals were out in shorts, tee shirts, and pasty white skin to blind you…the tourist were bundled in parkas, and snow suits…serious.
It got me to thinking about how people really are so different…because around here? When the suns out, and its 60? You better believe people are out in shorts, on the beach, soaking up what little sun they can, while getting deathly ill because its still the middle of spring, or winter. It led my thoughts to another day last year, when the rain was coming down seriously hard….it was another typical day here, though, Hard, cold rain, coming sideways, the kind of days where the wiper blades on a car just dont seem to go fast enough…yet, we never flood. Not that often, that is.
I was driving downtown, again, playing dodge tourist, when I got stopped at a red light, I looked out the window, and saw some man struggling…with his umbrella. I had a good laugh…just because…well…umbrellas…we dont see many of them here. In the middle of a good hard rain storm, your best off without one. He was standing there, obviously annoyed that his contraption wasnt keeping him dry, when it did the unthinkable, it flipped inside out, and the poor man was left standing there holding his inside out umbrella, trying to keep it from blowing away…while trying to stay dry.
It got me to thinking then, again, about how different this town really is.
Umbrellas, are the lower 48’s way of going out in a drizzle, or as they call it, rain storm.
When it rains here, your best off to just accept the fact that your going to get a little wet..even if you did park RIGHT outside the door.
People who come up from the lower 48, are always, ALWAYS cold here, even if its 60!
People in the lower 48 (I recently discovered) dont look out their windows when driving, I mean, obviously out the front, but when stopped at a red light, they dont turn and look beside them…odd, I thought, because here? You always look, because most likely, your neighbor will be puttering right beside you.
Our “Highways” dont exist. We drive on a one lane road, except through town, then we hit the two lanes, each way! That was a big deal when it came in.
You dont stay in here when it rains, you might be in all day.
When the sun shines, you get you hind end out in it…you dont know when you will see it again. When the sun shines, your bound to see just about everyone in town, wandering the streets with goofy grins plastered on, as the strut around with pasty white skins flashing you from under their shorts and tees. Oh the summer days.
The “Beaches” here, consist of ’smaller’ rocks. No soft, white sand with blue water. We live by the ocean people, the Alaskan Ocean, want to come for a swim?
Rain gear, and Xtra Tuffs are the common wear around here. Its not fissionable to wear sandals puddle jumping, you know.
Filed under: The Island
The word to many, means some magnifiscant pipe dream. The vacation of a lifetime. A once in a life trip. You see it once. Its gone. Its this place that at night they go to bed dreaming about, and wake up, still dreaming for it. They work a lifetime to see it, and many, never have seen it. Its a place that most consider to NOT be a part of the US, but IS infact. Most think its cold and dark and frozen 6 months, and for the other 6 months, its light 24/7. Some also think people live in igloos (which, igloo means house, then yes, we do)
But here, in the part I live in, which is not to speek for the whole state of Alaska, because further north, there are spurts where its light a lot, and sometimes also dark a lot. Here, in Ketchikan, Its a turist town. Which means in the summer months, the docks are chocked full of GIGANTIC boats that are bigger than our tallest building, and we get about 3, sometimes 4 or 5, of these suckers in a day, all carrying about our popluation or more (between 8 and 10,000) people. Which means in the summer time, our small little Island is bursting forth with many many many MANY little and big folk, all wandering the streets like disney land. Which unfourntuatly for them, it is NOT disney land, and there are real cars with a lot of….umm….Ketchikan-y drivers in them. Which means to watch out people!
I wont bother you with the story of how a unsuspection tourist lost there life this year because in all honesty, was terrible thing to hear, and I dont want to comicalize that. That said just to warn you Alaskan dreamers….There ARE roads here, with cars, and not so smart people behind the wheel. Anyways, when Summer ariveth, there is hardly a day that goes by without rain. Ok, we get maybe 2 or 3 weeks of sun during the summer, not all at once, but creativly spread out over the course of two maybe three months.
Chances are, your gonna get rained on here. Our overpopulated, wet little town in teh summer expands, with more than twice our population during the day. Like I mentioned, the roads are filled with twice as many crazy drivers and people, and all the little men and women who travel over seas with there overpriced trinkets to sell off as ‘alaskan made jewelry’.
Quite the change of scenery when fall/winter hits. The last crew ship has arrived and left. The shops are boarded up (the very same day) and the people vanish. The cars dwindle down to the 20 maybe 30 crazy drivers we have here, and life returns to normal, our little Island is put to bed for the winter. How do we tell its fall here? When the weather changes? No. When the population dwindles down and the shops board up and you can walk the streets without having to worry about seeing a mob of 400.
Its usually still raining.
That being said. Our fall comes in, in a matter of….3 days. One, a big storm arrives, complete with high winds and rain. Nothing new. The next day a really REALLY big wind. All the leaves dissapear. (no raking involved! Plus, the leaves on the groud…are wet…still raining) Then the weather returns to either rain. Or….We snap into winter. Winter here can be interesting. Right now, we have a mountain. Of course, yes…..we have many of mountains. One mountain in particular…either deer….or brown mountain…I cant remember….anyways…they fill up with snow really quickly. Theres usually about a week of really really low clouds and rain here, then the clouds lift and the mountains are covered.
We…however. Are not. Its still raining.
Then, we either go full fledge into the rainy/snow mixture. Or we freeze. This year, it chsoe to go from the comfortable high 40’s to the vetty vetty low 20s and 10s and even……9. Gulp. So there you have it. Our tiny little island. The one I call home. The one that has more crime rate than New York. The one that has a gallizion different personalities, and no one, NO ONE is the same. The one where you bump into the same person at the P.O. The store, the office, the coffee shop, and one might think they are being stalked, which might accumulate to the crime rate. People see each other too much?
The things here are really ….taken for grantint. The cold, The rain, the mountains, the water…..everything. There are some days when I wake up to say “What the hell am I doing in this damn little islans!” Because…honestly, sometimes, the feeling of being trapped on nothing but 30 miles of road with the same 8,000 psycos and not being able to leave unless you have about 6-800 in your wallet, gets rather…..depressing sometimes. But then there are days when you wake, and the sun is shinning in through the frozen window, and the water is frozen and there is frost on everything, or the rain is pelleting sideways, and theres no end in sight, and your car wipers wont go fast enough, and you think “Yes….yes…this IS home. This IS why im here. Because im slightly crazy and I just wouldnt fit in….anywhere else.”
{side note: that picture is NOT my taking. It was taken from a local news place. Also found at sitnews[dot]com
