The past three nights I have waken myself up in the middle of the night, doing something with my alarm clock. The first night I was beating my cat with it, the second I was winding the cord up, and the third night I was trying to position it on the edge of the couch, and woke myself up when I couldn’t get it to stay “Just so.” The final night, I didn’t go back to sleep right away, and instead lay awake trying to ponder what “Fighting with a clock” in the middle of the night could mean. Of course, I came up with it being a good excuse to check myself in, scared myself by thinking maybe I was “Fighting against time” and finally settled on “Time” in general.

*Time, where did you go
Why did you leave me here alone
Wait, don’t go so fast

Its something that not a lot of people seem to know much about, outside the second, or millisecond, not much about time makes sense to us. I have talked with one person these past few weeks, who claimed he knew all about time. He knew how short it was, and that he knew how to make the best of it. He didn’t understand why some people “Needed more time” when obviously, “Times a’ ticking”

I’m missing the moments as they pass
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time

But the thing is, until you have stood outside of time, and just wished, for one second, that it would stand still, you don’t know just how fast time can go. You don’t understand the full impact of one second, until its here, and gone. Just like that. You don’t understand time, until you have begged for it to stop. You don’t know about time, until you have had to learn to fight with, and against it. You don’t know time, until you have been there, watching, as one second everything is fine, and the next your life is laying there, unraveled, for all to see. Until then, you don’t know. No matter how much you want to think you do.

I’m down I’m down on my knees I’m begging for all your sympathy
But you (I’m just an illusion) you don’t seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don’t mean to hurt you)

Monday was four years since this life, this one that we are now living, handed itself to us to make do. Four years since I flew down and picked Madison and Dylan up, added them to the collection I already had, and stood back wondering how I was going to make this work. Back when time was against us, everywhere but where I wanted it to be. Going everywhere but where I wanted it to go.

Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
I’ll take what you give me. Please know that I’m learning

It was different this year. Different in that, the kids are older, they understand things differently, they know the deeper impact of things, they understand and know things that they didn’t four years ago, and its ok. Its different this year, it got me to thinking about the past four years in a different perspective. How short, yet how long four years can be, and just how much has happened in these four short/long years.

So wait for me this time
I should’ve know better

My thoughts, that morning at 2am, were strictly related to everything negative that has happened these past four years. Loosing the kids, Loosing Molly, etc. and after that, there was no way really that I was going to get back to sleep, so I decided to call it a morning (night?) and just go with it. As this week has wore on, Ive added different things to that list that I started Monday morning. Instead of just all the losses, and negative aspects, there have been some bright moments, moments that most times, slip by unnoticed.

I shouldnt have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings

Sure, I lost the kids, we lost Molly, life pretty much bottomed out. But there is a flip side. I got the kids back, got Josh back, and unless something else happens, they are here. Here to stay. 

I threw them all away
Now this is my time

The past four years have been hard, difficult, and down right discouraging. There have been moments where I wondered if the day would ever end, and if it did, would another one begin. There were days when I wondered if “This” would ever end, or if I was just going to continue on the worthless path to nowhere. But then there were days, days when I wanted time to slow down, so I could take in the priceless moments I was living in. Moments that were here and gone all to soon. Moments that I wanted to spend just a little bit more time in. Moments that were spent a little more in the light and positive and a little less in the negative.

I’m going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn’t have wasted those days)
I’ll take what you give me. Please know that I’m learning

I regret to say that its taken me four years to reach this point, this point where I realize the full depth of time, regret to say that its taken me so long to realize that the only control I have over time, is how I spend mine…and while there were moments in these past four years that have been downright crappy, they were needed, to make the already “Better moments” just a little bit brighter.

I’ve looked in the mirror
My world’s getting clearer

So wait for me this time

*Song “Time” by Chantal Krevianzuk

Its Independence day Im free:

Well she seemed alright by dawn’s early light
Though she looked a lil worried and weak
She tried to pretend he wasn’t drinking again
But Daddy left the proof on her cheek
And I was only eight years old that summer
And I always seemed to be in the way
So I took myself down to the fair in town
On Independence Day…

Well, word gets around in a small, small town
They said he was a dangerous man
But Momma was proud, and she stood her ground
She knew she was on the losin’ end
Some folks whispered, some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way
And when time ran out there was no one about
On Independence Day…

Let freedom ring
Let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is the day of a reckoning
Let the weak be strong
Let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away
Let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day

Well, she lit up the sky that Fourth of July
By the time that the firemen come
They just put out the flames and took down some names
and sent me to the county home
Now I ain’t sayin’ it’s right, or it’s wrong
But maybe it’s the only way
Talk about your revolution
It’s Independence Day…

Let freedom ring
Let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is the day of a reckoning
Let the weak be strong
Let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away
let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day

Roll the stone away…

It’s Independence Day

- Martina Mcbride song

Happy 4th of July from the Baxter kids. Hope you all have a happy, but safe 4th of July, take time to enjoy that whats important.

Let’s go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

Cause perfect
Did feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy

Chorus:
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
‘Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I’m coming clean, I’m coming clean

I’m shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin

‘Cause different
Doesn’t feel so different
And going out is better
Than always staying in
[Come Clean lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Feel the wind

Chorus:
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
‘Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I’m coming clean, I’m coming clean

I’m coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I’m coming clean

Chorus:
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
‘Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I’m coming clean, I’m coming clean

Let’s go back
Back to the beginning

Molly loved to dance, she loved to get wet, and this perhaps was her all time favorite…she caleld it her “dancin rain song” When ever shed hear it, shed start to bop along with it and by the time it ended, shed be in a full fledge dance. I wont ever look at a rainy day the same, Ill never hear this song the same, Ill still mix the words up, and hear her little voice chourus in the back ground, Ill still see her little head start to bop, and her legs gradually take her into a full fledge entertaining dance, that always ended with her in a heap of giggles begging to play it again. Who could say no?

Well here we are…the 19th is here, and soon to go…I hope. It started out rather rough….I guess just everything rumbling together at once has sucked…but aside from that its all good.

It would have been Mollys 5th birthday today, the first without her. Its a hard thing to wrap my mind around, but this week has been sort of “Molly thought centered” thus the random stories, thoughts, memories etc. Ive been feeling rather bad that Ive been thinking more about Molly than the other kids, or Emmy even, but Ive figured out over the years its easier to just let the thoughts go, its faster, and it will eventually get back on track.

Today, however, my thoughts have shifted more over towards Josh. Its three years roday since Kelsy’s died. While the regular thoughts of “she wont ever see her son…” and so forth have been around, its been more aimed towards Josh. Hes never known his mom, never will. Thats almost harder to think about than the fact that shes actually gone. Of course, its still really easy to forget and shove her back, along with my other siblings. The fact, however, that Josh wont ever have a mom, someone to stand on the sidelines and cheer him on while no one else is even looking, is hard today. Its another area I realize Ive failed in, telling him about his mom, but how do you tell a 3 yr old about his mom who died when he was 4 months?

Well…today will go on, tomorrow will come, things will soon be better….I hope…No letter to Molly this year, no letter to Josh, nothing to Emmy, nothing to Kelsy….maybe later….maybe never….

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn’t know
This is where the truth don’t lie

{Chorus}
You find out who your friends are
Somebody’s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think ‘what’s in it for me?’ or ‘it’s way too far’
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back
wants to shake your handwhen you’re up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up and see who’s around then

This ain’t where the road comes to an end
This ain’t where the bandwagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lot of folks jump off

{Chorus}

When the water’s highWhen the weather’s not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who’s gonna be there?

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are(yeah, yeah)
You find out who your friends are

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
(Well man, I’ve been there)
Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
(Man, I’ve been there)

Man, I’ve been there
Oooh yeah.

Sometimes the only way to say what it is im trying to say…is by a song. this that are up above, just dont seem to come out right when i try and say it….I know im probly being unrealistic here, but today i just feel like feeling sorry for myself…so thats what im gonna do…..do i give a shit? nope….do i want to? nope