Tunnel Vision

The past three nights I have waken myself up in the middle of the night, doing something with my alarm clock. The first night I was beating my cat with it, the second I was winding the cord up, and the third night I was trying to position it on the edge of the couch, and woke myself up when I couldn’t get it to stay “Just so.” The final night, I didn’t go back to sleep right away, and instead lay awake trying to ponder what “Fighting with a clock” in the middle of the night could mean. Of course, I came up with it being a good excuse to check myself in, scared myself by thinking maybe I was “Fighting against time” and finally settled on “Time” in general.

*Time, where did you go
Why did you leave me here alone
Wait, don’t go so fast

Its something that not a lot of people seem to know much about, outside the second, or millisecond, not much about time makes sense to us. I have talked with one person these past few weeks, who claimed he knew all about time. He knew how short it was, and that he knew how to make the best of it. He didn’t understand why some people “Needed more time” when obviously, “Times a’ ticking”

I’m missing the moments as they pass
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time

But the thing is, until you have stood outside of time, and just wished, for one second, that it would stand still, you don’t know just how fast time can go. You don’t understand the full impact of one second, until its here, and gone. Just like that. You don’t understand time, until you have begged for it to stop. You don’t know about time, until you have had to learn to fight with, and against it. You don’t know time, until you have been there, watching, as one second everything is fine, and the next your life is laying there, unraveled, for all to see. Until then, you don’t know. No matter how much you want to think you do.

I’m down I’m down on my knees I’m begging for all your sympathy
But you (I’m just an illusion) you don’t seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don’t mean to hurt you)

Monday was four years since this life, this one that we are now living, handed itself to us to make do. Four years since I flew down and picked Madison and Dylan up, added them to the collection I already had, and stood back wondering how I was going to make this work. Back when time was against us, everywhere but where I wanted it to be. Going everywhere but where I wanted it to go.

Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
I’ll take what you give me. Please know that I’m learning

It was different this year. Different in that, the kids are older, they understand things differently, they know the deeper impact of things, they understand and know things that they didn’t four years ago, and its ok. Its different this year, it got me to thinking about the past four years in a different perspective. How short, yet how long four years can be, and just how much has happened in these four short/long years.

So wait for me this time
I should’ve know better

My thoughts, that morning at 2am, were strictly related to everything negative that has happened these past four years. Loosing the kids, Loosing Molly, etc. and after that, there was no way really that I was going to get back to sleep, so I decided to call it a morning (night?) and just go with it. As this week has wore on, Ive added different things to that list that I started Monday morning. Instead of just all the losses, and negative aspects, there have been some bright moments, moments that most times, slip by unnoticed.

I shouldnt have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings

Sure, I lost the kids, we lost Molly, life pretty much bottomed out. But there is a flip side. I got the kids back, got Josh back, and unless something else happens, they are here. Here to stay. 

I threw them all away
Now this is my time

The past four years have been hard, difficult, and down right discouraging. There have been moments where I wondered if the day would ever end, and if it did, would another one begin. There were days when I wondered if “This” would ever end, or if I was just going to continue on the worthless path to nowhere. But then there were days, days when I wanted time to slow down, so I could take in the priceless moments I was living in. Moments that were here and gone all to soon. Moments that I wanted to spend just a little bit more time in. Moments that were spent a little more in the light and positive and a little less in the negative.

I’m going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn’t have wasted those days)
I’ll take what you give me. Please know that I’m learning

I regret to say that its taken me four years to reach this point, this point where I realize the full depth of time, regret to say that its taken me so long to realize that the only control I have over time, is how I spend mine…and while there were moments in these past four years that have been downright crappy, they were needed, to make the already “Better moments” just a little bit brighter.

I’ve looked in the mirror
My world’s getting clearer

So wait for me this time

*Song “Time” by Chantal Krevianzuk