“There comes a point in life, when you wake up one morning, look in the mirror and ask “Who am I?”
Earlier this week, while my mom flipped through the TV channels, there was a tag line for a new movie that went something to the effect of the above, and it really caught my attention. Not the movie, the tag line.
I wonder just how true it is, just how many people reach that moment in their lives when they wake up and ask themselves “Who am I?”
I know I have asked the question, numerous times. Ive stared in the mirror yelling at myself, as if somehow I would be able to respond with an answer that would satisfy my wondering…
“Who are you?”
I used to have it all figured out, or so I thought. It wasn’t even a question that taunted my waking moments. It wasn’t something that even bothered me, I knew who I was, where I was going, and was ok with the way things were, even if they weren’t ideal. It didn’t matter to me that I wasn’t ranking high, or scoring big. I was making myself happy, and that moment, that was really, all I cared about. But as the years ticked by, who I was, changed. I was a husband. I was an employee. A brother. I began to mean something to someone besides myself, and that, that right there, was more than I could ever hope to accomplish.
And at the highest moment in my life, when I would look in the mirror and wonder who I was, I could remind myself that I was…somebody. I was a father, to a little girl whos smile could light up a room, and laugh could change any mood.
Reaching the peek is as high as you can go, before the experience of coming down, takes place.
Shortly after Emmy passed, someone asked me how I could look in the mirror each morning. How could I live with myself, everyday, all day long…and being the smart ass I was, I quietly responded that I didn’t. I avoided mirrors. Which was far from the truth. Every morning I participated in what I referred to as mirror therapy. Where I would stand in front of the mirror, and remind myself that I was nothing. That I had nothing or no one to live for. I fed myself thoughts and ideas that led to the downwards decent, and most often, these sessions would end with some form of self inflicted pain.
Atleast, I told myself, it was something I could control. I could still control myself.
The other night when that phrase came across the TV, I was a bit stunned to hear some of the same words I had used all those years ago. Its not something Ive thought about a lot lately…those months after Emmy died. Its not something I care to remember, or remind myself of. But every so often, I like to look back. Tonight its different. Tonight I look back, and I shake my head at that person all those years ago, I ask myself just what was I thinking, what was I planning, what was going on in my head?
The truth of it isn’t that I was simply wallowing around in self pity, trying to attract attention. I had been stripped, derailed, demoted, from the highest position that I could have ever been given. I failed at what I given a shot at, and to be honest, I don’t think I will even forgive myself completely.
Today when I ask myself “Who are you?” it takes me a few minutes to remember who I am…and then I will quietly state my name. That much I know, I hear it every day. All day long. It drives me nuts, makes me cringe, makes me smile at times, and makes me look the other way. It reminds me that I have a purpose here, a reason to stay around a while. It wakes me up in the middle of the night with bad dreams, or wet sheets. It makes me want to run off the end of the world, and drive away at times. But it always brings me back, makes me remember, and gives me something to hold onto…and when paired with the three hardest words to say, I remember just why I do what I do, and why I do it today. “Uncle Dave? I love you”
While being a father was the highest level of success that I could ever have hoped to reach, being an Uncle falls just short of that.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts, People | Tags: Looking for answers
…or maybe I dont.
I don’t know why, but I always feel the need to be constantly apologizing.
This afternoon I called my mom again, and walked away wondering, once again, why…
Seriously. Why.
Why do I bother, every weekend, to go down, and fork out over $3 in quarters, while the kids sit in the car trying not to kill each other, while she informs me, of once again, how little I know…and I spent the majority of my time…apologizing. Over and over. For not knowing, or understanding. For not doing better, or being a better person. For not calling more, or talking more.
…and then I leave, and spent the rest of the week trying to pick myself up, before calling her again.
Im not trying to bash her, or talk bad about her behind her back. No. Im just trying to understand, and figure out just how much of what she says every week, is true.
Im not claiming to know everything, or be on top of things the way I should. I don’t mean to say that I have this all figured out. I don’t even mean to give the impression that I am doing a good job.
I think sometimes, I give the wrong impression, don’t ask me how. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the one thing Im good at, giving the impression that I am actually good at this. Im not sure. But people seem to be constantly reminding me that Im not. As if I don’t, somehow, already know.
Im trying, but Im flying by the seat of my pants, trying to figure things out, making spur of the moment decisions that come back to bite me later on. I try to figure things out, but I spent a majority of my time fixing mistakes, and patching things up…just long enough. I don’t know where she got the idea that I thought I knew what I was doing. Don’t know where she came up with the idea that she had to remind me, weekly. I already know. I already, know.
I know…
When Madison comes home in tears because someone said something mean, and I don’t know what to say except boil inside about the cruelty of kids who really don’t understand. I know.
When Dylans grades go up and down faster than the stock market. I know.
When I “Forget” to run Josh through his flash cards, and am in too big of a hurry to get him dressed in the morning, to actually give him the chance to learn. I know.
When I lay awake at night, wondering how to make the best of our time, what things to cut out, and how to save just THATMUCHMORE. I know.
When I look at the pictures of things I had, and no longer do. I know.
When I see other people. I know.
When people stare, and point, and try to make subtle comments to tell me that Im messing everything up. I already know.
When I finally attend a meeting with a teacher, and am told that I need to work on things better, starting with coming the first time Im told, not the third or fourth attempt…I know. I know. I know.
I already know.
When I have to decide if leaving the kids at night, or not being there when they get off the school. I know.
When people tell me, and I pretend I havent heard that before, just incase there is something I havent heard yet…I know.
When people point out the obvious, and state the simple. Over and over and over. I know.
I already KNOW.
I know I need to do better, work harder, try longer, give more. I KNOW. I do know.
If I appear that I don’t, its just because I don’t know what to say, or I think that maybe you will say it a different way, and I will be able to get some useful information.
But the truth is, I do know.
I know. Im sorry, and I will try harder.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts, People | Tags: disconnected & random, My thoughts
Im trying to write something, but find myself getting tied up in knots every time I try.
Yesterday I found myself in the midst of a conversation that left me wondering just what this world has come to. I found myself talking to someone who talked to me as if I were a long lost friend of theirs, who they hadn’t heard from in years. Which I am not. During the conversation, he mentioned that when he is having a bad day, he likes to look at other peoples lives, to realize that he doesn’t have it all that bad. I could agree, to an extent, but my mind wandered a bit, while I thought of a debate I had just done with myself a few weeks back.
A debate that went something to the effect of, looking at other people, and thinking “Atleast Im not like them” only to quickly discover that you are like them, only…perhaps much worse off. Atleast that person knows they are nothing, while you were thinking you were something, that you weren’t. Atleast that person accepted things for how they were, and not how they WISHED they could be. It’s an exercise I run myself through, every once and a while…Realizing that I am not “All that.”
But I was quickly drug out of my past rant, with his next statement that caught me a little off guard:
“When you think that your life sucks you run into a handy cap person and it humbles the crap out of you cause they would change places in a heart beat”
It struck me wrong, in more than one way, for a number of reasons.
First off, it seems to imply that “Handicap People” are somehow, less than you. As if they are less than a person, and would rather have YOUR life, than their own. Secondly, it somehow implies that your life is better than theirs…and finally, I think that people, any person, can learn a lot from a “Handicapped” person, perhaps learning to accept people who arent “Just like you“ is a place to start.
Im sorry, but it annoys me.
I know Im not qualified to even be stepping on these grounds, but honestly, I don’t know why people look “Down” upon people who arent exactly like them, in every. Single. Aspect.
I guess, however, he answered himself, and my question at the same time when he said “When you think your life sucks, you run into a handy cap person…”. Is that really, what this has come to? Is that really what life has dwindled down to, making yourself feel good, at the expense of others, handicapped or not?
I realized quickly off, that I am not higher than anyone, and that I can learn a lot from other people, handicapped people especially. Ive come to realize that I shouldn’t place myself higher than anyone, and that when I do, I only realize, once again, that I have a lot of learning to do.
What upset me most, about the conversation, aside from the fact that he was downplaying people in general, to raise himself up, was that like usual, I didn’t say anything, and instead agreed by silence, wishing I had the guts to speak out against something that I felt the opposite about.
How does one know that by looking at a person -any person really, not JUST the handicapped – that they would trade lives? Just because their life isn’t the same as yours, doesn’t mean they would trade it. From my perspective, and from my prior argument, it doesn’t mean they are any better or worse off than you or I.
Its irks me. Big time. That people would actually think to place themselves so high. As if somehow saying something that they don’t even know to be true, can turn it into a fact.
I will admit, I sometimes look at people, and find myself thinking “Atleast I don’t have that problem” or “Atleast I don’t do that.” But more often than not, I find myself realizing that not only am I “NOT better” than them, but I am, infact, worse off than the majority.
Its been a rather difficult week, and I could go ahead and put the blame on numerous things, but the truth is I don’t know why.
Yesterday, someone randomly said that “When your having a bad day, all you have to do is look at someone else’s life to realize, that you don’t have it all that bad” and I cringed, when I heard those words.
I cringe every time I hear those words, or words closely related. I don’t know why, I just do. I know everyone has some sort of a battle, and I know that most likely, theirs are a lot worse than mine…but it doenst make me feel any better, or any different. Infact, it makes me feel a lot worse, thinking about all the other people who have things going on, and Im sitting here having a bad week because, well, who knows why, and well, it kind of makes the week just a little worse off.
Im trying, to stay positive.
But it doesn’t always work.
Its October, and what else can I say except that its been hard. I should be used to it by now…but Im not.
Maybe next year.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts, Song days | Tags: disconnected & random, My thoughts
The past three nights I have waken myself up in the middle of the night, doing something with my alarm clock. The first night I was beating my cat with it, the second I was winding the cord up, and the third night I was trying to position it on the edge of the couch, and woke myself up when I couldn’t get it to stay “Just so.” The final night, I didn’t go back to sleep right away, and instead lay awake trying to ponder what “Fighting with a clock” in the middle of the night could mean. Of course, I came up with it being a good excuse to check myself in, scared myself by thinking maybe I was “Fighting against time” and finally settled on “Time” in general.
*Time, where did you go
Why did you leave me here alone
Wait, don’t go so fast
Its something that not a lot of people seem to know much about, outside the second, or millisecond, not much about time makes sense to us. I have talked with one person these past few weeks, who claimed he knew all about time. He knew how short it was, and that he knew how to make the best of it. He didn’t understand why some people “Needed more time” when obviously, “Times a’ ticking”
I’m missing the moments as they pass
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time
But the thing is, until you have stood outside of time, and just wished, for one second, that it would stand still, you don’t know just how fast time can go. You don’t understand the full impact of one second, until its here, and gone. Just like that. You don’t understand time, until you have begged for it to stop. You don’t know about time, until you have had to learn to fight with, and against it. You don’t know time, until you have been there, watching, as one second everything is fine, and the next your life is laying there, unraveled, for all to see. Until then, you don’t know. No matter how much you want to think you do.
I’m down I’m down on my knees I’m begging for all your sympathy
But you (I’m just an illusion) you don’t seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don’t mean to hurt you)
Monday was four years since this life, this one that we are now living, handed itself to us to make do. Four years since I flew down and picked Madison and Dylan up, added them to the collection I already had, and stood back wondering how I was going to make this work. Back when time was against us, everywhere but where I wanted it to be. Going everywhere but where I wanted it to go.
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
I’ll take what you give me. Please know that I’m learning
It was different this year. Different in that, the kids are older, they understand things differently, they know the deeper impact of things, they understand and know things that they didn’t four years ago, and its ok. Its different this year, it got me to thinking about the past four years in a different perspective. How short, yet how long four years can be, and just how much has happened in these four short/long years.
So wait for me this time
I should’ve know better
My thoughts, that morning at 2am, were strictly related to everything negative that has happened these past four years. Loosing the kids, Loosing Molly, etc. and after that, there was no way really that I was going to get back to sleep, so I decided to call it a morning (night?) and just go with it. As this week has wore on, Ive added different things to that list that I started Monday morning. Instead of just all the losses, and negative aspects, there have been some bright moments, moments that most times, slip by unnoticed.
I shouldnt have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings
Sure, I lost the kids, we lost Molly, life pretty much bottomed out. But there is a flip side. I got the kids back, got Josh back, and unless something else happens, they are here. Here to stay.
I threw them all away
Now this is my time
The past four years have been hard, difficult, and down right discouraging. There have been moments where I wondered if the day would ever end, and if it did, would another one begin. There were days when I wondered if “This” would ever end, or if I was just going to continue on the worthless path to nowhere. But then there were days, days when I wanted time to slow down, so I could take in the priceless moments I was living in. Moments that were here and gone all to soon. Moments that I wanted to spend just a little bit more time in. Moments that were spent a little more in the light and positive and a little less in the negative.
I’m going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn’t have wasted those days)
I’ll take what you give me. Please know that I’m learning
I regret to say that its taken me four years to reach this point, this point where I realize the full depth of time, regret to say that its taken me so long to realize that the only control I have over time, is how I spend mine…and while there were moments in these past four years that have been downright crappy, they were needed, to make the already “Better moments” just a little bit brighter.
I’ve looked in the mirror
My world’s getting clearer
So wait for me this time
*Song “Time” by Chantal Krevianzuk
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts
Some short time after the first of this year, I got the notion that something…something big…was going to happen this year before it was all said and done, and while I know a lot HAS happened, a lot of big change has taken place, I havent gotten that…release, if you will, that the “Big something” has happened…and as the end of the year draws closer and closer, I find myself anticipating, and fearing…more and more.
…and fear isn’t something that I like to give into. It sounds as if Im being defeated, taken over, controlled…by something as small and worthless, as fear…
I know this must sound bizarre, scratch that, I KNOW this sounds bizarre. But the only thing that has come close to touching on this fear, this fear that the “Big change” is about to happen, is when Joshs teacher called me over to ask if it was possible that his “Aggressive” behavior was due to abuse in the house. It was like the ton of bricks that were hanging above my head, waiting to fall, fell, and now sit right above my head. In plain view. Waiting and ready .
Its just whats been on my mind lately. Nothing profound, nothing deep…nothing new. I just hate the not knowing, the waiting, the anticipation…the fearing the worse, call me paranoid, I dont care.
“Everyone is afraid of something. That’s how you know when you love someone; when you are afraid of loosing them”
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts, Letting it out | Tags: My thoughts
Often times I think about “Going back” I entertain myself by thinking “If I could go back…” and continue to fill in the blanks, wondering how the outcome would be different, how things would change further on down the road, wondering how things would pan out…if I went back and changed just a few things. Would it really matter? Would things eventually end the same?
At the end of it all, I know that its just a way of passing time. Just my way of trying to fix something that, really, cant ever be fixed. In the end, after I run myself through the proper steps of changing the past, I remind myself that I cant go back, and that most likely…is a good thing, if nothing else.
This past week, however, it has seemed that I have been taken back.
A few years ago, when I got the kids back, I lived with two other people. One of them was real close to his grandma, who instantly picked up on the kids, and filled the place that their own grandparents hadn’t. She was the grandma they didn’t have, and filled the spot very nicely. She stepped in, without over stepping, and treaded on the thin grounds I had laid.
Sunday my old roommate showed up on the door, with news…that she had cancer, and was being sent south to consult about further options. It was a shock, a blow, and pretty much a slap to the face – because while she wasnt exactly related to me, wasn’t technically close, she was someone I knew, he is someone I know, and cancer is something Im all too familiar with.
This summer I have spent some time getting to know a certain person who was up here for the summer – working the fishing boats. There isn’t anything that gets you to know someone better than standing in the rain at 2 in the morning gutting fish, which is what we did two, three times a week this summer. Last night, he showed up at the door, which was odd, considering that the fishing season has been over for a few weeks now. He showed up because his brother had just called to tell him that his wife had died while he was at work.
Naturally his brother was trying to get himself south as quickly as possible to be with him, but had no clue where to start, or what to do.
…and then this morning, at work.
Someone else I know wandered in, having just finished a funeral last night, and a grave site service this morning.
…and in the matter of a week, I have been taken back all the way through each step. Cancer. Death. Funeral.
I tell myself its fine, and it is. Im not going back, even if I wanted to I couldn’t. I tell myself that there isn’t any undoing or redoing, whats done is done. But then I get “Smart” and I search out an old post I had written a few years back.
This post, to be exact. The post where I was looking through the paper for someones obituary, and proceeded to go home…to Molly.
Today when I read it, it hit me. Everything clicked, everything came together. No, I wont be going back, but my life has a funny way of running in circles. A funny way of repeating itself. A funny way of tricking me into believing that everything is ok, and then slapping me upside the head. Two years ago, when I wrote that, death and Molly hadn’t even been thought of in the same sentence. She was a (mostly) healthy, happy girl who was growing up despite the odds being stacked against her. That post was written less than a month before death knocked on her door. It was written while she was still alive, although less than two weeks later, she would be gone.
I cant go back. No. But every so often, it seems as though Im living through the past, all over again.
Sometimes I look at you, and I wonder. Wonder whats going on inside your mind, and what your really thinking. Wonder what you would say, if you could.
Sometimes I look in your eyes and can see so clearly, that wonderful little boy who wants to come out, but is held back by fear.
Sometimes I look in your eyes, and the pain and fear is almost tangible.
Sometimes I see confusion, sadness, excitement, curiosity, enjoyment…but mostly. I see fear.
Fear of what? Of who?
I watch you step out, reach out, I see you trying to change, and grasp the reality that has been set in front of you, but just before you take that final step, you sink back in. Into the familiarity of yourself. That fear reaches up, and holds you back. Every. Single. Time.
I watched you this afternoon before I picked you up from school. You were so close. You wanted to do it. To step out and play with the other kids. You were there, and for a minute I thought I was going to witness a huge break through in you. But just before you took that first step, you slumped back, held Simon a little tighter, and turned the other way…and Josh, it broke my heart to see that you were that…scared. Insecure. Terrified. Uncertain.
People all around you are giving up, stepping out, and advising that we do the same. They say you arent worth it, to far gone, or not able. They place limits on you, that I know you are itching to break. They place goals for you, that I know you are MORE than capable of completing because I have seen you do them before, but it stops you every time. Stops you dead in your tracks. Holds you back, whispers in your ear, and doesnt let you go.
I don’t know what your future holds. To be honest, I worry a lot about it. Worry what will be in your path next year, worry about who will hold you back, and if you will accomplish all that YOU want to and more. Will you reach for the stars, or ignore them all together? It’s a thin line, and its one Ive treaded on very lightly. I want you to be all that you can, and more. But I want to accept you for who you are, and be ok with it if you cant reach what I want you to. I want you to reach YOUR fullest potential, and it is not up to me to place a limit on. It isn’t up to anyone else. Josh, its up to you.
But when do I push you? When do I encourage you, and when do I say “Enough is enough?”
How do I know if I should fight for something, or let it slide? How do I know it I need to push you out there, even though it hurts you, and how do I know when I need to lay off and let you just be? How far is too far, and how far is not far enough?
I don’t care if you ever learn to talk again, don’t care if you never learn to over come your fear of bathrooms. You’ve broken the mold, and have went to kindergarten in diapers – even though they said that wasn’t possible. That kindergarteners needed to be potty trained. You did it. I don’t care if you grow up to be a famous lawyer, or doctor. I don’t care. That doesnt matter to me.
I want you to be happy, I want you to live without the fear. I want you to know that its ok, that your safe, and that whatever happened, wont happen again. I want you to know that I wont give up on you. That we wont give up on you. That we might push too hard, too far, and for too long, but its only because we love you, and *thought* that might be the best thing for you. I might not understand you completely, or respond appropriately, but that’s only because Im learning. Im learning who you are, just as much as you are.
I don’t know what happened, who did it, or for how long…and for that, I am sorry. Sorry that I wasn’t the one to stand up and say ‘Enough is enough’ when you couldn’t take anymore. Sorry that I didn’t stand up when things weren’t right, sorry that you, as a little boy had to deal with things that you shouldn’t have even known about. I cant fix that, I cant go back, cant undo, cant pretend it didn’t happen. But I can face it with you…and I can hold you and try to help you through to the other side.
Josh I know that you don’t understand my words, that they mean nothing to you, and that actions mean more than simple words…and sometimes that’s better, because I don’t usually have the right words…but buddy, I want you to know that its over. That you’re here, like it or not, to stay. You’re here for the long run, and Im not giving up on you. I will fight you to the end, and one way or another…we WILL come out on top.
And if I had the words? I would tell you just how much you mean to me. Just how much you frustrate and confuse me. I would tell you how much you make me laugh, and yes, sometimes cry. I could tell you just who you remind me of…and why, but since I dont, this will have to do. I love you kiddo. Dont forget it, ok?
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts | Tags: disconnected & random, Josh, My thoughts
I was working on writing something, something to the drama of “Forgetting” and “Not remembering” trying to find the difference between the two. But I only ceased to confuse myself. After all, what IS the difference? Maybe what I was really trying to point out was the difference between “Forgetting” and “Remembering”. Of course, there is the obvious differences. One is to remember, and well, the other is to forget. Opposites.
So I did a little word search on the two words.
Forget: not remember: 1. to fail or be unable to remember something 2. leave something behind: to leave something behind accidentally. 3. neglect somebody or something: to fail to give due attention to somebody or something 4. stop worrying about something.
Remember: 1. recall something forgotten: to recall something to mind or become aware of something that had been forgotten 2. keep something in memory: to retain an idea in the memory without forgetting it 3. keep somebody in mind: to keep somebody in mind for attention or consideration.
Ok. So by now, you’ve been officially convinced that I have lost any bit of sanity I ever had, and have went off the deep end this time. Why would I try to find the differences between two words that mean pretty much the same thing, or two words that mean the completely opposite of each other? You want to know why? This. Is why.
When I first got Josh back, it was obvious something had happened to him, although no body was talking. Everything he did was met with fear. He wasn’t acting out due to being a spoiled brat, he was scared. There is a difference, but that is a word search for another day. He was scared. Terrified. He was acting out of fear. The first few months that he was back, nights were horrible. He was constantly waking up in the middle of the night, screaming. It would take up to a good hour to get him calmed down to the point where he would just cry, and from there, it would just depend on wither or not he would eventually go back to sleep, and if so, for how long or for how good.
As time has worn on, his nights have changed some. But he is still up in the night, atleast three times a week. Sometimes more.
After being told that something happened to him, most likely, while he was at his dads, I was quickly told that “Hes young enough to forget”. Young enough to continue on, and grow up “Normal”. It really wasn’t an issue too many people were concerned about. PTSD was just another string of letters being placed on him, something that he would eventually out grown. Don’t focus there, moving right along.
Just recently, I have been told that unless someone speaks up, there isn’t anything more “They” can do for him. There is only so far “They” can go with what information they have been given (Of course, this happened just after I was given full custody of him, and the states money stopped coming, but THAT is another rant, for another day). Its left me digging for answers in any area I think I might be able to find them.
Which has led me to this place. This post. This rant.
Just WHAT does the word forget mean, and how does it apply to Josh, and his situation? What is it he needs to “Forget” and what does he need to “Remember”.
The thing is, Josh is human. No matter what anyone thinks. He has a mind, he has feelings, he has thoughts and ideas, feelings and emotions. He isn’t a robot. You don’t believe me, come watch him some night when he struggles to sleep.
And what I came up with was this: He wont ever, forget.
He may be able to “Forget” he might not “Remember” he might not even KNOW what happened, but his mind wont ever “Forget” completely, what happened. While he might not “Remember” the events that took place, his mind wont ever forget. He might not know why hes scared, but he knows hes suppose to be scared, and fear takes precedence over anything. He might not remember what went on, when it happened, or how.
But he will always have the thoughts that tell him he needs to fear.
There is a difference, between forgetting, and not remembering. To forget, is to forget. To erase all memory of it from your mind…and while his mind may erase all events of his past, it wont completely “Not Remember”. He might be able to forget the time, the date, his name, his address. But he wont “Not Remember” or to put that into everyday English terms, He will remember.
He might not know, he might forget, he might, by any small stroke of luck be able to put this al behind him, forget what happened, and be able to live this normal life that they speak of, but he will still remember. His mind wont forget what happened. His body wont forget. It wont let him erase all the feelings and thoughts that he has, related to what happened. Its part of who he is, and while we can hope that he can OVERCOME these difficulties, he will always remember. There isn’t anything in him that wont “Not remember”.
I can only hope that someday, he will learn to replace those thoughts, those memories, with memories of today. Of memories of the present. Of happier times. I can hope that one day, he will learn that what I tell him, is true. That when I whisper to him, as he screams and cries, scared of the thoughts that he has “Forgotten” or doesn’t “Remember” he will know that it is ok. That its over. That he wont ever have to go back. That whatever happened to him, wont happen again.
I can only hope, that maybe someday, it will make sense, not only to him, but to me as well.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts
Last weekend, it was so close. So close, that I could smell and almost taste it. It was there. Right there. Within reach, yet something kept me back. The left over thoughts that said if I touch just ONE beer, it would all be over. The thoughts that said that court was coming up soon, and I needed to do this. I had to. It was so close, I couldn’t slip up. Not yet. Not now.
And while its nice to have it finalized, and have everything finally put behind us…I almost wish, in a small sort of way, that it wasn’t. That it wasn’t over with. Because now, I have no excuse. No reason NOT to. No thoughts to pull me back, or keep me from going back. Its only a matter of time. But how long?
This week, Ive been in a funk. Something that isn’t easy to admit. I don’t like admitting that I have problems, that Ive been “Down” and not “All there”. Id prefer to keep silent, to wait it out, to say everything is ok. But I cant. Not right now. Not this time. Because there isn’t anything holding me back. As bad and as selfish, as it sounds…the kids are mine, its over, why NOT go back?
Even though.
Even though I know WHY I did it, even though I know why NOT to go back, even though I promised myself once I gave it up, I wouldn’t ever go back…there is a little joint up the street, that calls my name every Friday…
I have come up with more than one excuse to go. Come up with more than one reason why it would be ok. Ive talked myself into and out of going there no less than a dozen times, and yet I just cant shake it.
Sometimes my own mind just isn’t enough. Because when I argue with myself, I can only argue so long, and pretty soon, Im arguing FOR myself with myself…and that isn’t ever good. Because eventually I will give in…and I don’t want to.
I hate to say this, because I don’t WANT to say this…but tonight I want to go back. I want to slip back.
Even though.
I know how hard it is to give it up, and I know just how quickly I could become addicted again. But sometimes its not enough. Its just not enough to hold me back. And so I try reason. I cant do that, cant start drinking again. The kids. The state. The issues. And it works for a while, and then it doesn’t. Because its over. No one cares what I do. We don’t HAVE a case anymore. The kids are mine, I have papers to back it up. So whats holding me back?
To be honest? Nothing.
I don’t like being in this position, because I know that its only going to be a matter of time…
Time. That dreaded word that was suppose to become a friend, is still an enemy.
I don’t want to. I want to. I cant. I can. I shouldn’t. I should. Its wrong. Its right. I don’t need to. I need to.
Sometimes I wonder, and then, sometimes…I don’t.
I need a reason.
Because its not working anymore. This isn’t easy for me to say, because I don’t want to say it. But it needs to be said. Because while I have been sober for over a year and ½, it only takes one. It only takes a split second decision, and it can all be over. Sometimes, that’s enough logic, and other times. Its just not. Its hard to say, because I know how bad it sounds. I know how stupid and selfish, and insane all this sounds. I know it doesn’t make any sense, and I didn’t expect it to. I know the answers don’t lay in the bottom of a bottle, but sometimes…my own logic just isn’t enough.
