Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts, The kiddos | Tags: Kids, My thoughts
A few months ago, when I was working at a different place, a customer came in with her kid. Who was in the habit of repeating herself. Every so often the kids eyes would light up and she would say “I have a green jacket!” repeat 20 times before her mom would ask her to say something new. She would think a few seconds, her eyes would light up and she would say “YOU have a green jacket” repeat 20 times, before she went back to her original point that she “Had a green jacket”
Lately, that’s how Ive felt.
Like everything I say is a cliché, like Im just repeating myself, working myself further and further down into the downward spiral where I don’t want to be.
I told myself that just because the year ended on a sour note, didn’t mean it was going to start on one, and I promised myself that I was going to be more “Upbeat” and “Positive” and so forth. But the first came and went, and so far I have deleted atleast three complete posts, because they are downwards, negative, and don’t focus on the good as much as they should.
I go back and forth with myself. “I need to say these things to get them out so I can focus on the positive” and then “I don’t need to say these things, they really wont matter in a few minutes” and I remind myself of the kid who came into the shop, who flipped back and forth between two subjects.
Things are usually pretty upbeat around here – with three kids its really hard NOT to be upbeat most of the time, but sometimes, and more and more lately, things have been…downward. Not on purpose, its just how its been. How things have fallen into place, and as much as I try to argue with myself that “Its normal this time of year” I cant help but shake it…
And as clichéd as it sounds, and repeated as it is…it still holds as much importance to me as it did on day one, when I made the choice to follow through with this decision.
Two years ago I gave up drinking in hopes of getting visitation rights of the kids. Two years ago that was all I could hope for – visitation rights. I wasn’t even hoping to see them alone, I was just hoping for a few minutes to see them, to know that they were ok, to hear from them what they wanted. I honestly didn’t know what my next move would be. I hadn’t PLANNED on getting them back, atleast not this (that?) soon…its just, happened.
When Molly passed, I hit that bottom that people talk about, the bottom that I thought I had hit many times before – but didn’t reach until I walked out of the hospital that morning in August. The bottom. Where there was no other way TO go but up. To go up, or be done…and as much as I wanted to be done, at that very moment, I wanted to atleast see the kids first. That was all I could hope for, all that I could look for, and all that I could even think about.
Two years later I have full custody of them.
I don’t know when, or where I made the decision that I was going to fight for them. I don’t remember the day, the moment or the time. I don’t even remember making the choice. It was gradual. Step by step. One thing after another, and pretty soon I was knee deep in kids, kids and kids.
I sit here tonight and toss around a number of thoughts, a number of clichéd, over done, “My jacket is green” thoughts. Is this the right choice? Did I make the right decision? Is this the best for the kids? Did I jump the gun, decide to fast, make a decision I shouldn’t have?
I think back over the circumstances, and try to remember why I thought I *could* or *should* get them back. I know I wanted them to grow up, together, and that really, at the time there weren’t too many other options for that.
But. There is always a but.
What about now? Now that things have calmed down, now that the kids are legally mine, what now? Is this it? What I was hoping for? Is this the end? Is this where is stops? Is this…really it?
It wasnt one thing that made the choice final, it wasnt simply one option, or one thing that decided the case for me, it wasnt any one thing….it wasnt even a combination of things, it was the kids…and what Ive always wanted for them. The best. Im not saying that Im giving them the best, Im not trying to even say I come close to giving them the best…Im just saying that I cant see to it that they are (mostly) healthy, happy, and safe…if they are all off somewhere else, but more importantly, that they are together…because while I might not always be able to give them the best, they have each other…and that is what I hope they will always have.
That statement has taken us through some rough roads. Through courts, state visits, Mondays, social workers and all the rest.
But now that its all over, now that the kids are mine, and I am solely responsible for them, the full impact its beginning to sink in. The full responsibility that I took on, is starting to hit…and Im beginning to wonder, like Ive been asked so many times: Am I cut out for this?
I want the best for them, and I will continue to seek out whats best for them, and fight for whats best for them…but Ive reached a point…a point where I have to stop, and wonder…what IS best?
Is THIS best?
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts
I don’t have much time tonight (don’t ask…I know the I only have one kid but that doesn’t change things any). But I didn’t want to let the “New year” come in without any mention of it.
I know these past few days (weeks?) things have been towards the “Downwards” side…and while this year has had its ups – that have topped out and downs – that have bottomed out, but this year…has been a very different year. Different, meaning that the kids were here at the beginning of this year, and they are still here at the end of an entire year…something I honestly didn’t know if would actually happen.
This here, this life, isn’t always upbeat, and happy – as these past few weeks have demonstrated, but I wanted to end the year out with a few favorite posts that really seem to sum the year up. Good, bad, happy and sad.
It’s the end to one year, and the start to another.
Happy New Year
10..
9…
8…
These are just a few of the moments that have stuck out through the year. The ones that maybe arent obvious. The ones that have made this year, complete.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts
Im waiting for the Hollywood ending to this soap opera called life.
Im waiting for everything to turn into something that would even warrant having a storybook ending.
Im waiting for something I know wont ever be.
Im stuck.
Between here and there. Between this and that. Im forced to choose right from wrong when I don’t even know up from down.
I see so many people so worse off than I, but I cant seem to see beyond any of my so called problems to lend a hand to help.
There doesn’t seem to be anything worse than the empty hopeless existence of pointless living.
I wish I could see the ending of this, of all this. To just flip forward and see a small glimpse of the end – but its then Im forced to remember – there is none.
It’s a continual circle that doesn’t have a beginning, and doesn’t have an ending…
People are stuck, on the never ending circle, called life, called a soap opera, called whatever you want with no beginning and no ending.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts
Edited to add: Tomorrow I will be back to clear some of this up. Will try to make it the last of the continual rant of “How bad things are.” Someone remind me of that.
I was in the middle of washing dishes, when it hit me. I was standing there, mentally making a list of all the thing that need to be done between now and then…when it hit me. Completely out of the blue. A thought that left me standing there, clueless as to why. I hate that. Hate those thoughts. Because I don’t know what to do with them. Where to go with them. How to process them….how to believe them.
Im waiting.
Waiting for this to be over. Waiting for a story book ending. Waiting for an ending that makes sense. Im waiting…for something that isn’t ever going to happen. Im waiting for an ending, an ending to put this to rest, to tie it up, set it on the shelf, and move on as if it didn’t happen. Im waiting. For the impossible.
Because it just doesn’t work that way.
You cant wrap this up and put it on the shelf…believe me. I have tried. If it were possible, I would have done it. But it isn’t possible…which is what has left me confused. Why? Why isn’t this working the way it was suppose to. Why isn’t life getting easier. Why isn’t this LEAVING. Why do I still remember. Why do I still miss.
Because.
Im waiting, on the impossible.
Last night I was talking to a friend, who is going through relationship issues. She mentioned that it wont ever it. It wont ever be over. A phrase I have often heard. “This wont ever end” and I always have to ask. Why. Why wont it. Why cant it. Why WONT it.
Because.
Because.
Because.
Some things, just don’t.
Its life. Its death. Its how it is.
These past two weeks have been weird, there just isn’t any other way to put it. This time of year is always difficult, Emmy went in for surgery, and the days leading to her death are the days that I am now forced to repeat, with just her memory, and the knowledge of what happened. It just makes things a little more difficult. But it seems every way I turn, there is another death. A long distance friend, a close friend, a relative, a neighbor.
And just for a measure of goodness…
My cousin who I wrote about a while ago, who has cancer…the treatments arent working anymore. The cancer is spreading, and she might have a brain tumor.
It just adds to the confusion, the frustration, the wonder…and finally…the conclusion that this? Wont end. I guess its time I stop waiting for that perfect, story book ending…and start living.
I guess its time I stop waiting, for something that isn’t going to happen, and just be.
I guess its time. To understand, that this. This isn’t just going to end. This is how it is, and how its going to be. I guess, its just time.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts
It could all be summed up in a few words.
My life: and the inability to move on from the past.
I lay here tonight, thinking of all the reasons why I need to keep it in & to myself. I see the road. The road that says “This isn’t that bad” “Just one more will be fine.” I see it slipping away. Because while most times I am able, able to keep it together, sometimes it comes out on its own – unexpectedly it rushes to be freed.
I have taken to writing on paper again. Something about watching the words form from a pen in my hand that flies smoothly across the paper – maybe it’s the control. The knowing that I AM in control of this oh-so-small portion of things. Things are changing. Too fast. I need time, yet have none. Need answers, yet have none.
Im where I wanted to be – why am I not happy?
Filed under: Autism, Good for nothing thoughts | Tags: Josh, Looking for answers, My thoughts
I had an appointment, if you will, with Joshs teachers scheduled for Monday, but in typical fashion I forgot all about it, until later that night. So I took him into school the next day, got a lecture for not putting him on the bus, and a new appointment for today.
And today, I forgot about it, up until I had 10 minutes to rush in and beat the clock…and then I casually strutted in as if I had totally planned my day as to NOT forget such an important appointment. I met Josh at the door, and we followed his teacher down the hall into a smaller office.
A room I have spent much time in. Listening, hearing, and trying to add my small input, before getting the lecture that we have all heard, and sent on my way. The dreaded room. Every time I enter it, I feel like Im in grade school again, getting a lecture by the principal. Shes been wanting to talk to me about Josh, because he just isn’t “Getting it” and shes worried about him.
Truthfully, Id like to meet one person who honestly is worried about the kids – because it seems more often than not, people want to talk to me to see if there really is something more than meets the eye. Every time I hear the words “We really do care” I cringe. Because I know they don’t. They are trained to say that, know that parents want to hear that, to know that the place their kids spend the majority of their lives, the people really do care about them. But how is it possible to give the care that a kid really needs, when, while you have them all season long, you have hundreds of other numbers, I mean kids, to tend to?
This afternoon, his teacher told me the original. That she cared about Josh, that she wanted to see him grow, and succeed, and that she wanted his best. Then she went on to say that Josh just isn’t getting it like the rest of the kids. I could have jumped her right then, but I stayed calm, and heard her out, knowing that while she might not exactly care about Josh the way I would hope someone would, she isn’t trying to flat out insult me by saying something completely off the wall like that.
She said that while he has shown great improvements in that he appears to be focused on what they are doing, he doesn’t show that hes learning. While most of the kids in that class have already shown some sort of interest in learning to write, and form letters…Josh simply stares like he has absolutely no idea what they are doing. I already knew that, hes never been a big fan of crayons, or pencils. Never been one to draw or color. She said that hes five years old, and that while she isn’t his therapist, she thinks I should pursue different options for Josh.
I didn’t know there WERE other options, hes already maxing out all the options I thought we had for him. Hes been to regular preschool and attempted regular kindergarten. Hes done a few courses in special needs preschool, and is now in a special needs kindergarten. Where else could we stick him? He goes to therapy once a week, and has some in class therapy as well. The only other options I could think of, were the ones I didn’t want to talk about…and so I thanked her for her time, left before she was done, and walked Josh out to the car wondering where to go with him from there.
So what, the kids got problems that no one knows how to deal with.
I guess this just means we should all give up on him.
Please note the heavy use of sarcasm in that sentence.
After putting him in the car, and thinking things over for a few minutes, I headed in to talk with his therapist instead of going home, where I was originally planning on going. I need to know something. Something that no one will tell me, I need a straight answer, I want to hear it, I need to know. What is the best option for Josh. What option is the best to give him the help he needs to succeed. What is, best for Josh?
His therapist was the first one to step up and take Josh’s case on, way back when there was considered no help, he pulled strings, jumped other hoops, and worked inside tricks to get Josh into some help that he thought would do him good, and thanks to him, Josh HAS made progress. He will tell it like it is, and more than once, his opinion has proven to be true. Hes someone that while everyone else has given up hope, holds out that there is hope, if there really is. He is also the first to put the brakes on when things arent going well. I knew asking him the question would come with loaded answers, but I need them. I NEED to know.
We waited a while because we had dropped in without an appointment, but he took us in and listened as I laid it all out.
He was quiet a few minutes, watching Josh.
He didn’t give me the answers I was looking for, and more or less told me that I should already know the answers to what I was asking. But he did confirm that Josh is and has been, and was, and will continue to, make progress. He made reference to the first time he saw Josh. Back in the days when he would flip himself around on the ground like a dead fish, slamming into walls, and beating his head. Compared with who he is today, Josh has changed. Hes grown. He really has made some great progress.
I watch him at home, and see how much he has changed. The way he interacts with the kids. The way he smiles and laughs. The simple things that seem so simple, are things that make our day. The fact that he is facing his fears, overcoming these challenges, and learning to do things that he couldn’t or wouldn’t do before, tells me that he does have it in him. It reminds me that it will be done, when he wants, and not a minute sooner.
I know Josh knows how to do what they are asking him to do, because that’s how he is. He understands what they are saying to him. He knows that they really really really want him to draw a circle. But he wont. Because he doesn’t want to. I know he can, because I have seen him do it before. Once. Maybe twice. But he can. Im not worried (that much) that he wont draw, or write, or learn how to spell his name, or read a book. Im not worried (that much) that he doesn’t talk, or use the bathroom ALL the time, Im not even worried (that much) that he will slip further and further behind. What worries me the most is that people who are suppose to be helping him, will give up too soon, and let all of his potential slide. What worries me the most is that they will see him for who he wants them to see him as, and not who he really is.
What worries me is what they see, and not who he is.
I wish more people would take the time to look beyond what he shows, and into who he is, because something tells me that he would show them more, if they just knew where to look.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts
I have an unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, its been there all day. I cant quite place my finger on what it is, but I have a fairly good idea.
The past few years, I havent been a very big fan of holidays. Ive never really seen the point in celebrating a holiday that was meant to be spent with family, when in all honesty, my family, my heart, is not in it.
People have told me through out the years, to give it time. That time, is a magic cure to all, but the only thing that time has taught me is that it is not. It doesn’t cure everything, doesn’t fix things, and it certainly doesn’t make things how they used to be, by any far stretch of the imagination. With time, you realize more, and the more you realize, the less you know that you thought you knew, and the more you realize you wish you knew.
The plain and simple honest truth is that Im not in it. Not this year, not last year, not the year before, and while I made an effort, a real strong, hard effort to make this year what it hasn’t been before, for the kids…I just wasn’t…getting it. Not the whole celebrating, not the whole being happy when I really wasn’t. To be honest, I did a lot of missing this year.
Missing that I havent done in some time.
Last night I took my mom to the airport. The conversation just hours before went something to the effect of her asking if she could atleast say good-bye to the kids. A question that sent a thousand and one thoughts barreling through my mind at neck breaking speeds. I wont go into details, wont say why she was at the airport “Early.” The details arent important. I will say that I told her it was time for her to go. And that there were a few other words tossed in. I will say that none of this took place in front of the kids, and that she knew what she had done, crossed the line. But that’s all.
The night before last, I sat down and wrote this. It was a somewhat welcome release, and to be honest I was more happy than I was upset. It gave me the inspiration I needed, and the motivation I thought I wanted, to get up and make something happen, something I thought I wanted.
The night before last, after a series of events took place, I told my mom it was time for her to go. I wasn’t trying to be mean, or spiteful, it was just time. She had crossed that line that was drawn, and it was time.
Today I did what I havent done in years. Infact, I don’t know if I have EVER done it. I attempted to put together a thanksgiving, for the kids.
At first, it sounded like a good idea, a wonderful idea. An idea that would…I don’t know, be the turning point in life? But it wasn’t. Infact, it was a bad idea. A really, bad, idea.
I spent the majority of the morning finding mates to lonely socks, and folding the other random items that had found their way onto the couch. Thinking about how wrong everything was. Not in the general sense, but in the sense that today…was happening, continuing, actually being celebrated, when to be honest, its one of those days that I have always thought should be counted off the calendars, for personal, selfish reasons…of course.
Things happened faster than I was hoping, and before I had a chance to even say “Hold on, forget it, I made a screwy choice here…” there were people knocking on the door, because someone (I will give one hint: shes the only girl here) opened her mouth (Surprise there!) and told (more than one) people that we were having “Thanksgiving at our place” and just like that…people were showing up, telling me that it was so good that I was finally accepting the life I was given. Seriously, folks? Seriously?
It took a lot, and for those who really know me, will know just how much it took, for me to keep my cool, in MY HOUSE, about things that I totally disagree on. I am NOT accepting this life, I have been shoved this life, and been FORCED to DEAL. I am in no way, accepting of the way things are.
No one really stuck around that long, I think most of them just more or less showed up because the door had been open, and when it was time to eat, it was just the kids and I crowded around the table…and while it should have been a good time, and I atleast hope the kids had an ok time…I just wasn’t taking it that well.
I smiled, forced the laughs, and tried to find the humor in the jokes the kids were telling. But I couldn’t help but wish…
Wish that I wasn’t the ONLY one here experiencing these things. Wish I wasn’t the one watching Josh figure out how to put olives on his fingers, only to wind up with more than a dozen on the floor around him. Wish I wasn’t here to hear the Dylan crack jokes, that made Josh laugh. Wish I wasn’t the one watching them interact, hearing the silly things that wont last forever. I really, really, wish…that I wasn’t.
All in all, the day was ok. It went ok. It really did. No one had any major freak outs (unless you consider the fact that I almost freaked out upon hearing that Madison had invited ½ the neighbor over). Dinner actually went down without too much trouble, and aside from the mess in the kitchen, a few issues over the turkey, and a few jokes that will keep laughing through out the new year, everything else went fairly smooth.
Except that I couldn’t, and cant, shake the feeling, in the pit of my stomach, that something is wrong. Something is not right. I shouldn’t be here, doing this, watching things, waiting for something. I shouldn’t be raising these kids, shouldn’t be putting them to bed, reading them stories, getting mad at random stupid things. Its not what I should be doing, its what they should be doing, and while the house was packed at moments during the day…it still felt emptier than the day before.
While there were moments of laughter, and a few rare happy minutes…I couldn’t help but wonder, and wish. And really just hope, that this year would have been different. In so many, many ways.
I am, thankful. For them. The kids. The silly, stubborn, crazy kids that are stuck with me…I am thankful for them. Thankful for the opportunities I have been given, thankful for another chance to love, and be scared out of my mind. I really am. I just wish I could give them more. Give them the right people, the right things, make the right choices. I just wish…
That I can honestly say why I hate holidays. I wish I could understand it.
…and maybe sometime soon, I will be able to say the good things about today: The things that really made today great, because there were those moments. But for now, I just need to get this out, and off my mind, so I can go back to enjoying the three things that have given me a reason, a real hope…and you know, get some sleep while I can.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I promise to be back – with something more upbeat. Atleast, I hope to be.
You know how sometimes pictures can be taken, and later you realize that they were out of focus? Or that you weren’t focused on the image you were hoping for? I hate that feeling, mostly because I don’t know what to do about it, and the moment or image I was hoping to capture is over.
That seems how life has been for me lately.
Out of focus.
And by the time I realize it, the moment is already gone.
Lately, I have been focused in on all the wrong things, everything else has been out of focus, while I spent the majority of my time focused in on the “Unfocused” areas. Did that make any sense?
I look back over the past, year or so, and all I see is a big blur. A mess of papers, and appointments, courts, therapist, people. Everything is somewhat mingled together. I read back over the things I have written down, and I ask myself when that happened, because I honestly don’t remember it. Which causes me to ask myself if I really am going crazy, and perhaps now would be a good time to check myself in, because atleast I still remember my name.
Ive been trying, lately, to remind myself of these small facts. When I get caught up in something, I try to tell myself to step back, and give it time. To watch from a safe distance, instead of getting so close that I can no longer see the whole picture. But its been difficult. When I see something going wrong, I automatically want to jump in the middle of it, and fix it. Then jump out. I don’t want to wait, and survey the situation, unless Im procrastinating, which, we all know I can do really well. I also like to ignore certain things in hopes that they will just…go away.
But lately, Ive found myself in the middle of some mess’ that I shouldn’t be in. For numerous reasons.
Ive been trying to remind myself to let it play out, to see what happens, to step back, to not get overly involved, to try and focus on the important things, the positive. The right. Not the wrong. But I find it hard. Real hard.
Especially when it involves the kids.
Josh has been struggling with school. With potty training. With sleeping through the night. Hes been doing more back tracking than he has been progress, and I find myself wanting to jump in and drag him out of this flunk. To pull him forward, and keep him from slipping back, even though I know that the back stepping is all part of the process.
I find it hard to sit and wait.
I get focused in on the small, unimportant-in-the-whole-scheme-of-things, details, and loose focus on the bigger picture. I forget all the progress he HAS made this past year, and worry that he wont ever make it out of kindergarten.
I get focused in on things like a job, and my mom, and the laundry pile…that I totally forget that there is more to life than working to please someone. Its not like I need much help forgetting about the laundry pile, but sometimes it takes over (literally) and I forget that the kids could care less if their clothes are cleaned today or tomorrow. I forget that there is more than flash cards, and bath time. That raising kids isn’t like raising chickens. Or cattle. That they need more than to fed and watered. That they need interaction, and attention. That they need more than a cardboard cut out to be happy. I forget that there is more to life than working. That it doesn’t matter what I do for work, so long as Im home by 2 to get Josh off the bus…because if Im not, I might as well kiss him good bye, because his world will end right there.
I forget sometimes that bed time doesn’t ALWAYS have to be a hassle, that they will survive if they get to sleep 10 minutes after 9, instead of on the hour.
I get distracted, my focus is shifted. My attention divided. And before I know it, Im a robot trying to function in a human infested world. Im just a number. The kids are just numbers. Numbers on the chart, watching the clock tick, trying to do everything exactly the way it was done the day before…and pretty soon, I blend in with everyone else. Walking fast, not turning to say hello, so wrapped up in my world that I cant see anyone else’s perspective, and before I know it, Im just like everyone else out there who wants someone to please them.
There is more to life than this. More to life than worry and stress, and fighting to be right. There is more to life than the blurred vision that is laid out before me. I just need to adjust my focus, is all.
“There comes a point in life, when you wake up one morning, look in the mirror and ask “Who am I?”
Earlier this week, while my mom flipped through the TV channels, there was a tag line for a new movie that went something to the effect of the above, and it really caught my attention. Not the movie, the tag line.
I wonder just how true it is, just how many people reach that moment in their lives when they wake up and ask themselves “Who am I?”
I know I have asked the question, numerous times. Ive stared in the mirror yelling at myself, as if somehow I would be able to respond with an answer that would satisfy my wondering…
“Who are you?”
I used to have it all figured out, or so I thought. It wasn’t even a question that taunted my waking moments. It wasn’t something that even bothered me, I knew who I was, where I was going, and was ok with the way things were, even if they weren’t ideal. It didn’t matter to me that I wasn’t ranking high, or scoring big. I was making myself happy, and that moment, that was really, all I cared about. But as the years ticked by, who I was, changed. I was a husband. I was an employee. A brother. I began to mean something to someone besides myself, and that, that right there, was more than I could ever hope to accomplish.
And at the highest moment in my life, when I would look in the mirror and wonder who I was, I could remind myself that I was…somebody. I was a father, to a little girl whos smile could light up a room, and laugh could change any mood.
Reaching the peek is as high as you can go, before the experience of coming down, takes place.
Shortly after Emmy passed, someone asked me how I could look in the mirror each morning. How could I live with myself, everyday, all day long…and being the smart ass I was, I quietly responded that I didn’t. I avoided mirrors. Which was far from the truth. Every morning I participated in what I referred to as mirror therapy. Where I would stand in front of the mirror, and remind myself that I was nothing. That I had nothing or no one to live for. I fed myself thoughts and ideas that led to the downwards decent, and most often, these sessions would end with some form of self inflicted pain.
Atleast, I told myself, it was something I could control. I could still control myself.
The other night when that phrase came across the TV, I was a bit stunned to hear some of the same words I had used all those years ago. Its not something Ive thought about a lot lately…those months after Emmy died. Its not something I care to remember, or remind myself of. But every so often, I like to look back. Tonight its different. Tonight I look back, and I shake my head at that person all those years ago, I ask myself just what was I thinking, what was I planning, what was going on in my head?
The truth of it isn’t that I was simply wallowing around in self pity, trying to attract attention. I had been stripped, derailed, demoted, from the highest position that I could have ever been given. I failed at what I given a shot at, and to be honest, I don’t think I will even forgive myself completely.
Today when I ask myself “Who are you?” it takes me a few minutes to remember who I am…and then I will quietly state my name. That much I know, I hear it every day. All day long. It drives me nuts, makes me cringe, makes me smile at times, and makes me look the other way. It reminds me that I have a purpose here, a reason to stay around a while. It wakes me up in the middle of the night with bad dreams, or wet sheets. It makes me want to run off the end of the world, and drive away at times. But it always brings me back, makes me remember, and gives me something to hold onto…and when paired with the three hardest words to say, I remember just why I do what I do, and why I do it today. “Uncle Dave? I love you”
While being a father was the highest level of success that I could ever have hoped to reach, being an Uncle falls just short of that.
Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts, People | Tags: Looking for answers
…or maybe I dont.
I don’t know why, but I always feel the need to be constantly apologizing.
This afternoon I called my mom again, and walked away wondering, once again, why…
Seriously. Why.
Why do I bother, every weekend, to go down, and fork out over $3 in quarters, while the kids sit in the car trying not to kill each other, while she informs me, of once again, how little I know…and I spent the majority of my time…apologizing. Over and over. For not knowing, or understanding. For not doing better, or being a better person. For not calling more, or talking more.
…and then I leave, and spent the rest of the week trying to pick myself up, before calling her again.
Im not trying to bash her, or talk bad about her behind her back. No. Im just trying to understand, and figure out just how much of what she says every week, is true.
Im not claiming to know everything, or be on top of things the way I should. I don’t mean to say that I have this all figured out. I don’t even mean to give the impression that I am doing a good job.
I think sometimes, I give the wrong impression, don’t ask me how. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the one thing Im good at, giving the impression that I am actually good at this. Im not sure. But people seem to be constantly reminding me that Im not. As if I don’t, somehow, already know.
Im trying, but Im flying by the seat of my pants, trying to figure things out, making spur of the moment decisions that come back to bite me later on. I try to figure things out, but I spent a majority of my time fixing mistakes, and patching things up…just long enough. I don’t know where she got the idea that I thought I knew what I was doing. Don’t know where she came up with the idea that she had to remind me, weekly. I already know. I already, know.
I know…
When Madison comes home in tears because someone said something mean, and I don’t know what to say except boil inside about the cruelty of kids who really don’t understand. I know.
When Dylans grades go up and down faster than the stock market. I know.
When I “Forget” to run Josh through his flash cards, and am in too big of a hurry to get him dressed in the morning, to actually give him the chance to learn. I know.
When I lay awake at night, wondering how to make the best of our time, what things to cut out, and how to save just THATMUCHMORE. I know.
When I look at the pictures of things I had, and no longer do. I know.
When I see other people. I know.
When people stare, and point, and try to make subtle comments to tell me that Im messing everything up. I already know.
When I finally attend a meeting with a teacher, and am told that I need to work on things better, starting with coming the first time Im told, not the third or fourth attempt…I know. I know. I know.
I already know.
When I have to decide if leaving the kids at night, or not being there when they get off the school. I know.
When people tell me, and I pretend I havent heard that before, just incase there is something I havent heard yet…I know.
When people point out the obvious, and state the simple. Over and over and over. I know.
I already KNOW.
I know I need to do better, work harder, try longer, give more. I KNOW. I do know.
If I appear that I don’t, its just because I don’t know what to say, or I think that maybe you will say it a different way, and I will be able to get some useful information.
But the truth is, I do know.
I know. Im sorry, and I will try harder.
