Its been a year.
One year.
Since Josh came home. Where, has the time gone?
I was thinking about it earlier this afternoon. A year ago, he came home on a three month basis, and a year later, he is here. To stay. For good. Its over.
I was thinking back over the past year, trying to think what his “BIGGEST” accomplishment to date, would be. And for a while, I was really hung up. Would it be the fact that he is (sometimes) using the bathroom? Would it be the fact that he is going to school, and riding the bus? Would it be that hes learning, growing and changing daily? Would it be the diagnosis? What should I focus on? Which of these already big accomplishment would be considered the biggest?
It hit me sometime this afternoon, that I was missing it. I was missing everything, altogether. I was focused in on his accomplishments, that yes, have been great and big, and have made us proud. But they didn’t hold anything to what I would honestly consider his GREATEST accomplishment. Who cares about biggest?
A year ago, when he came home, he was terrified. Timid, and very un-trusting. I think it goes without saying that he has come a long way in this area. When he first arrived, he would spend hours in a corner, alone, watching as the world spun by, watching things, but never daring to step in himself. Never daring to get involved. One of the hardest things was watching him freak out when Madison or Dylan got too close, and knowing that he didn’t trust them. Knowing that he didn’t want anything to do with them, and would have been perfectly happy if they stayed away all day.
He made it obvious, that he wanted nothing to do with them. At all.
Ive lost track of how many times Madison asked me when he would like her again. I don’t know how many times I tried to tell them to “Just give him time, and space…yes…space.” Because it seemed the only thing that made him a little less uneasy about the whole set up, was space. But as time wore on, it was impossible to go through a day without some sort of major freak out of his part. Dylan would absentmindedly sit by him, Madison would breeze past, and I was constantly stepping over those invisible lines that he had drawn.
Perhaps the hardest thing about getting him back was knowing that I could fix a lot of things, but there was nothing I could do about this. To watch them all struggle, in different ways, over the same issue.
Its sometimes hard to remember, and look back, and remind myself that yes, for a few months, there was a time when Josh wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with them. Its hard, not painfully hard, but difficult, because looking at them now, you wouldnt know. Its hard to recall, because it seems like just yesterday he came home, and if that were the case, how would there have been time “In-between” for him to be so distant?
Now however, things are different.
If Dylan is doing something, Josh wants has to be right beside him, doing exactly what hes doing, exactly HOW hes doing it. Which is ok, most times, unless of course, Dylan is doing something he shouldn’t be doing. Such as tormenting Madi. Then we have issues – because not only is there ONE boy after her, there a are two, plus myself.
If Madison is reading, Josh wants to read with her. He wants to be in her stuff, in her business, and is all about her things, even though he knows hes not suppose to be. Its very uncommon to find him NOT in the middle of their excitement. He cries if they run off too fast for him, and stares out the window if they forget him go somewhere without him. He squeals with excitement when they come home, and enjoys every shred of their time they give to him.
Looking at them now, you wouldn’t know that there was a time, not too long ago, when he would yell, and thrash around if they walked too close to him. You wouldn’t know there was a time when he didn’t worship the ground they walked on. You wouldn’t know there was a time, when he didn’t think they hung the stars at night. You wouldn’t know, because it seems like the most natural thing that has ever happened.
The relationship they all share is different, yes. But in a way, I think its stronger, because its different. They arent all “Blood siblings” like so many think. They are all at different stages in their lives, different places, and have been through different things. They have been separated and lived apart for a time…
But they have become closer than they were before. They are a team, a work of art, they are the unbreakable three.
Yes. They fight. They scream. They yell. They hit. The name call. They bicker, and even “Hate” each other at times. But when it comes right on down to it, I don’t think Josh would pass up an opportunity to spend time with his newborn hero’s. I don’t think he would let anyone, or anything, get between what they now have, and vice versa.
I worry about a lot of things, but I don’t worry about one aspect of his future, and that is him being alone…because I honestly dont think they would let anything ever happen to the boy who isnt exactly their younger brother. They are tight, much tighter than before. In my opinion, this may not be the biggest accomplishment that Josh has made, but to be honest, I think this is the greatest. Stepping out, and trusting his “Tighter-than-before, not-quite-siblings.”
Because while all of these things are great, and I couldn’t be happier that he is starting to relax a bit, and accomplish other things…Nothing, holds up to having lasting relationships that have, and will continue, to carry him further than the ”Biggest” accomplishment ever could.
Sometimes I think nothing has changed these past few years, but then I have to remember that is only because the world has been flipped upside down, and is just now…starting to turn right side up.
Filed under: Bragging Rights
Youve ever wondered what you were doing in the opposite sex bathroom, knocking on stalls, seeing who answers. You might be a pervert also.
Dont ask, and I wont tell.
Filed under: Bragging Rights, The kiddos | Tags: Change, Josh, Thats part of "Growing up"
Ahh yes. You thought I forgot, didn’t you? I was beginning to wonder the same thing. After all, the kids are 12, 10, & 5. Out of potty training ages, right? That’s what I would think too. But no. Were all wrong. Josh hasn’t (hadnt?) exactly started potty training yet. The problem wasn’t that he “Wasnt ready” it was that he was scared of bathrooms. Which made potty training difficult. Like, really difficult. Getting him INTO a bathroom was (and still can be) a struggle in itself, and by the time he was in there, any prep talk we had before entering, was long forgotten, and the only thoughts going through his mind were how to escape ASAP.
Over the past, month or so, weve worked him into the bathroom. It had gotten to the point where he would go in, not willingly, but without a big fuss. Making teeth brushing, slightly easier. Up until this point, I had been told to “Keep him out of there at all cost” to “Brush his teeth outside” and “Get a special potty to use” you guessed it, “Outside the bathroom.” I tried it. Once. Because I try mostly everything atleast once. The “Special potty” fell through when it started to sing when Josh sat on it…and I began having visions of Josh hauling this “Special potty” To high school with him. It wasn’t a thought I liked. We quickly ditched the idea, and decided that he would use the bathroom, just like everyone else.
I get the fact that he might have bad memories attached. I get that he has fears, and most likely a reason to. But I also happen to know that there isn’t any bad that is going to happen in the bathroom while I brush his teeth…and how else am I going to get him to see this, if he wont go in the bathroom?
Lately, hes been making some steps in the right direction. A few weeks ago he ventured in there – by himself – while the kids and I did our best not to FREAK OUT with excitement, not wanting to scare him, or make it a bigger deal that it should be. Im sure he wondered why we were all staring at him with odd grins plastered across our faces, but hey.
A few days later, he used the bathroom, for the first time, and again. The kids and I did our best to contain our excitement. It was a big moment, and we were all so proud of him, but we didn’t want to “Over do” our excitement and scare him, and so we calmly congratulated him, told him he did good, and moved on like it was really “No Big Deal” when clearly – it was.
Its one of those things that not many people would understand “Your excited because he went INTO a bathroom?” and we would all sit there and nod ferociously, because well, unless you know where hes coming from, you wouldn’t understand where our excitement is coming from.
Hes made great steps in the way of being potty trained. I know he already knows, when and where to go, it has just been the fear of a bathroom holding him back. The past few weeks, while at home, hes been sporting “Big boy underwear” and doing relatively well with them. The only problem is school. I havent felt comfortable sending him to school without a diaper or something of the sorts. Not because I didn’t think he was capable, but because I didn’t know if he would know how to tell someone he had to go, or if he would just get scared and forget about everything. He wasn’t thrilled with putting on a diaper yesterday, but seemed to forget about it a few minutes later.
Early on in the afternoon, the neighbor showed up and said I had a phone call. If anyone needs a phone number, I give them hers (with permission). Its more or less an emergency number, if someone needs to get a hold of me, they can call her, and she can get a hold of me. I knew it wasn’t good when she said I had a call, but when it was the school calling to say that Josh had an accident, and I needed to come right away, I more or less freaked out. A 15 minute drive was completed in less than 5, and I ran over a few stray people going through the doors to the school. Fearing the worse the entire time.
I was relieved to see Josh in the corner when I arrived, he was crying but appeared to be ok.
…and when his teacher told me what happened? I promptly burst out laughing, because I didn’t know what else TO do.
Apparently, about ½ through class, Josh pulled his pants down, and proceeded to have some form of an accident. Not the kind of accident I was prepared for, and since they weren’t clear on the phone, with what KIND of accident it was, I didn’t come prepared.
His teacher proceeded to tell me that he would need to be potty trained before he would be eligible for a “Regular” kindergarten class. She laid great emphasis on the word regular, but I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face.
The problem is, no one understands why I was so thrilled. It wasn’t just because Josh wasn’t in some sort of horrible accident that I had prepared for while speeding in. But rather because he was making progress in ways that I never anticipated him to. The thing with having a kid like Josh is that there arent typical milestones for him to meet. The progress he makes is so different than what you would expect. We celebrate the small things, the things that most other people don’t even notice, but rather enjoy without thinking about. The things that are harder for Josh to grasp. The small, crazy things that make me smile.
Some things, people just wont understand. Some things you will have to apply yourself a little more to see what we see in him. Some things, like yesterday, most people just will NOT understand. Those are the things, that we celebrate. The things that make us most happy. The things that no one else understands, are the things that we cant help but be proud over.
Yesterday was just such an incident. There was so much progress wrapped up into one small, minor accident. Infact, it was MORE than just an accident. It was a step, a giant step, with huge progress written all over it. He pulled his pants down (something he has never done before) he used the bathroom (outside of his diaper, albeit not the way we would hope him to) and he knew he didn’t do it right.
I know his teachers weren’t impressed, I know I might have a lot of explaining to do, but I couldn’t help but be a little bit proud of him.
He’s growing, he’s changing, he’s learning. And? He’s making progress in the right direction. Or atleast, we like to think so.
“Your just going to jeopardize the older ones if you do keep him”
As if keeping him is a choice, as if hes a dog, not a child. As if I CAN just “Get rid of him”. But it’s a question I keep close, and it’s a question I seem to weigh all my options out with. Am I giving everyone a fair shot? Is it fair to Josh to keep him here? Is it fair to the older kids? The more I think about it, the angrier I get with the person who said it. Because while I don’t know if this IS the best, I am trying: to give everyone an equal shot, and I would not jeopardize one, over another…and I most certainly would not “Get rid of” one.
When Emmy first died, I remember thinking that if I could get through the first year, it would be home free from there. If I could make it through the series of “Firsts” then all would be fine. I sighed relief when the day came and left…it wasn’t until a few days later did it finally catch up to me. The reality of it all. That she was gone. That this was how life was going to be. It was a dark day.
Today is one year since I got Madison and Dylan back.
It doesn’t seem to compare. Im not gauging how long they have been gone, but rather how long they have been back, and just how far we have all come…together.
One year ago, I didn’t even know if I would be granted visitation rights…and now I watch as they grow to quickly, right before my eyes.
One year ago, I was sitting before a judge, my life laid out before him in the form of papers. Everything from my drug references to alcohol abuse. It was all there, it lay mixed in with the book of requirements, that much like my life, was worn and faded from being fondled so much. I didn’t see how or why anyone would grant me custody of them, but I was hoping, and holding onto the hope that I might be granted visitations. If I could just talk to them. Just see them. That would be enough to tell me what I needed to know…and while I went in with a sliver of hope that someday I would be getting the kids back, I mostly wondered if I would ever SEE them again.
I had done everything they asked me to. I was even told that things were looking good, and most likely I would be walking home with them, but any outward appearance that I was actually expecting to get them back was a mask…to cover up the anxiety and fear I was really feeling all while wondering if I would ever see them again.
I had jumped hoops, and walked the thin lines. I gave up drinking, got a job, and held it for longer than three months. I found a house, and began attempting to make it “Kid friendly” even though I really had no idea what that meant. I fantasized over the day, if it would ever come, when someday, they MIGHT be in that room. I wondered what it would be like if Emmy, were to come home…to stay in that same room I was fixing up for “Some kids” who didn’t even, technically, belong to me. I fought my desires to “Give up” and forfeit any hope I actually had. It wasn’t an easy road…but there isn’t anything that compares to when the door opened and the kids walked out…into my care.
It was the first real accomplishment I had made. Something I had started, followed through, and actually finished.
This year has definitely had its ups and downs. There have been good moments, and bad. Weve covered growing up, and the task of single parenting…there have plenty of hard times, and plenty of days that I have thrown my hands in the air and wondered just WHAT I was doing, and WHY I had pushed to get them back. There have been some “Not so proud” moments and I have let some words slip that I said I would never say around them. They have seen the good, the bad, and the very ugly around here…But there have also been those moments, like at the end of the day when they get in bed, and a story is read. The moments where I see their relationship grow, and I can see them really change.
…and then there are moments like these. Like today. When nothing really happened…and I cant really believe its been an entire year that they have been here, because it doesn’t seem like there was really a “Gap” between “Then” and “Now”. I know I missed it. I know I missed a lot. I know I missed more than I want to have, but sometimes…like today. It doesn’t really seem to matter. Because all that matters is that they are here. They are happy, healthy, mostly well behaved kids who know whats important in life…things like playing, and drawing, and watching movies. A time in their life where they are free to be kids, and being a kid means there are rough times, and happy times…but when night rolls around…they have a bed to get in, and a sibling to crawl in beside.
…and I have to wonder how I ended up so lucky, to have them.
Im ready. For another great year.
