Early last week, I showed up to pick Josh up from school. He was standing off to the side of a group of kids who were surrounding the teacher. He was trying to figure out how to get the sticker that was being offered to him without actually having to get close to the teachers or other kids. While he was fighting it out with himself, another teacher took me off to the side.
Apparently, they had taken him to the school nurse to have a physical done. A few thoughts went through my mind. First, remembering how he reacted one of the LAST times we tried to go to the doctors, I couldn’t help but figure that this time wouldn’t be much better off. Then, obviously, my thoughts went to what was wrong, was he ok, and so forth. To answer all of the above questions and then some, she informed me that they had noted some suspicious bruises on him, and took him in for a physical to note down OTHER bruises, cuts, scrapes, and suspicious markings. Had I ever hurt him?
I stood there a few moments before it hit me what they were doing. I explained that the other day while Josh was outside playing, he fell, which is where a majority of the fresh ugly looking bruises had come from. The other ones were from various activities and problems. Nothing major, some I didn’t even know where had come from. Hes five. Hes going to get bruised and scraped. Was there anything wrong with it? She smiled, noted a few things on her paper, one of which read “Uncle claims child fell outside” and told me that she was just doing her job. To which I couldn’t help but wonder if her job was to ruin lives. I took Josh and we left.
We didn’t hear from her again until later on last week, when she was telling me that Josh was becoming “Aggressive” over his personal belongings. He brings Simon with him everywhere he goes, so naturally Simon goes to school as well. Recently, hes been dragging a blanket along (a blanket that a friend sent through the mail, and Josh has fallen madly in love with). But he has been getting aggressive when other kids approach him, or rather, his items. He wont leave them in the cubbies where the other kids leave their things. He wants to drag them around with him, and keep them close by him at all times. If another kid gets too close, apparently he gets upset. His actions weren’t described, but knowing Josh, he most likely flips out and goes screaming over to them. Not sure if that is considered aggressive, but hes been labeled aggressive.
Yesterday I worked longer than usual by 20 minutes. The tour I was scheduled to work didn’t get started on time, and I couldn’t just leave ½ way into things. I had no other choice but to finish out and then pick Josh up. I have made it clear that no one is to pick Josh up but myself. Don’t want them letting anyone else picking him up. Don’t want them letting him go with the next person that walks in says they can. Paranoia. Whatever. So I didn’t have a back up option, and as a result was 20 minutes late picking him up.
And as a result, was stuck with “Neglect”. Im neglecting him. I neglected him. Left him. Abandon him.
Even Josh has realized that I will come back. Hes five, scared to death to be left alone anywhere, but he has realized that I will come back and get him. No matter what. If he could talk, Im sure he would have told them that I would be back. But since he couldn’t, he sat in a chair, holding his blanket and Simon close watching as the teachers scurried around muttering words like “Abandonment” and “Neglect”.
I don’t think his teachers were impressed when this morning I brought him in, and instead of dragging his usual blanket and bear, he had his bear. But this morning, his latest fascination was a banana.
I wonder just what I will get stuck with today? Wonder if bringing a banana to school will be classed as neglect, abuse, or some category all of its own.
…and while everyone Ive “Freaked out to” about the latest involvements, has told me that “Its over” sometimes its easier to listen to the voices that are loudest. The ones that make me ask myself “Am I really abusing him?” “Have I been neglectful?” Sometimes, the voice of logic fades off into the distance and Im left, once again, wondering: Does a banana fall into the neglect category?
Filed under: Big mess', The kiddos | Tags: My thoughts, Josh, disconnected & random, Looking for answers
Im currently surrounded by boxes of junk, overwhelmed with thoughts and to tired to write anything. The kids just now finished dinner, and in a few minutes I will drag Josh and his tired little self off into the bathroom for another round of “Tooth brush vs. Josh”. He hasn’t had a bath since Sunday, and there wont be a bath tonight, you would think that would make him a happy enough kiddo, but it wont. Because after the tooth brush battle, and the pajama struggle, it will be off to jail bed for him.
…and we will wait, and most likely loose the rest of our hearing, any hopes of becoming somewhat sane will go out the window, and the cops will show up, because I must be killing the poor boy.
The above was written last night.
It’s a new idea, to an old problem.
When a friend told me that 10’o’clock was a little late for kids this age to be hitting the sack, I knew what she was saying was true. I just didn’t want to deal with it, and most certainly, didn’t want to tackle it then. Its much easier to let him stay up until hes ready to crash, and THEN put him to be with little struggle. But with school, hes been getting up earlier than hes used to. The day before yesterday he bit a kid at school. Something that not only landed him in time out, but tipped him over, and sent him flailing for the floor, where he spent the rest of the afternoon alternating between. The floor and the chair.
I know Ive screwed up, Im not that crazy. I just don’t know how to fix it. Fix anything, for that matter. I know Im suppose to be reading to him, and sounding out words, and GIVING him words to use when hes frustrated. I know it cant just happen at the therapist, that it needs to be followed up here, at home as well…that is, if I want results.
Its not that I don’t (because I do).
I know we need a schedule, a routine, or whatever they call it these days, I know we need to get things figured out sooner than later, and I know he needs to be potty trained ASAP.
That thin line between “Is he scared of this” and “Is this bad behavior” has been worn even thinner over the past few weeks. Its so much easier just to say “It probably scares him” and give in to whatever he wants. That’s when people start asking “Is this fair, to everyone?”.
…and so here it is.
Ill be Frank, you be Honest.
Ive screwed up, yet again.
Ive let it go too long, closed my eyes when I should have looked, and attempted to avoid issues that I didn’t want to confront. Hoping that perhaps, they would just disappear. I don’t like confrontations, don’t like to say no, don’t want to hurt him, or the other kids, and might as well do it myself…because its just easier, or better, or, whatever.
The thing is, for the past year, I have been living like this “Might” come to an end. That at any moment what we now refer to as “Normal” could come to an end. At any given time, the door could swing open and the kids could be taken away. Or perhaps Ive been living like this is vacation. The kids are just here visiting. Someday soon I will take them back to the airport, tell them good bye and send them back to their families. We may be family, but we arent a family, atleast not in your traditional sense. Im their uncle. Im not their dad, and I really don’t like it when people tell me I am. Because Im not. Im their “Guardian” which means I watch them. I look out for them. I keep them safe. Until they return to, wherever it is they wont ever go.
…and that works for a while, until it doesn’t, and then it just doesn’t work.
I know their mine. I tell myself that. I tell other people that, I write it with ease, and even have it simplified for when people ask. Yea. Their mine. But I don’t believe it just yet. Because they arent technically mine. Im glad its over, glad its done. Really happy that this whole ordeal is finally over with, and that it can be put aside. But…there is still that small part inside that says “Its not over…and if it is, this isn’t good enough”.
Nothing says final, like the word itself.
Im not only responsible for getting them out and out the door in the morning, Im responsible for raising them up to become respectful adults, instead of wild devils that no one wants to see.
When I picked Josh up from school yesterday, I watched for a few minutes, just to see. What I saw was a room full of five year old kids, all doing what they were told. While Josh sat in the corner, face bright red. Because he wasn’t doing as he was told. I didn’t see any of his “Issues”. The only problem I saw was due to the “Parenting skills” I have, or lack there of, and everything that people have been telling me made sense in a way it never has before.
I know he has problems. I get that. The lines are hard to distinguish. What problem is related to this, or that. But I never wanted this to be a label for his bad behavior, and its quickly turning into just that.
I have a problem, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
…and it leaves me with more questions than it does answers.
He has a list of diagnosis. Just about every problem has a label. But now I have a thought. A thought that I don’t know will get me too far. Hes not potty trained because we know hes terrified of bathrooms. He knows that if hes “Terrified” of something, I wont make him do it. Hes a smart kid, and now Im left wondering something someone implied a while back without actually saying it full out: Is he playing you?
Im not downplaying his problems, not saying he doesn’t have issues, or being insensitive to his fears. I take full responsibility for it all. Im just trying to define some of the lines that should be there, and erase the ones that shouldn’t be…and the one line that shows up bolder than the rest is the fact that Im screwing it all up. Again.
When, will I learn.
“It’s the first day” “Give it time” “Its JUST kindergarten” “This really is whats best for him” are all things that I have tried, and attempted, and repeated, and told myself over and over today, silently wishing and hoping that things would go better than expected, and Josh would simply “Fit in”. Hoping that this morning would be as bad as things got, that maybe his day would get better…and perhaps, with any stroke of luck, he would have a good day, and WANT to go back tomorrow. Maybe. I could atleast dream, and hope, and wish.
Even thought I know it does no good.
I picked him up and heard comments given to other parents. A round of “Hes a bright child” and “She did really well”. Except when it was Joshs turn. Instead, comments like “He had a really rough day” “He spent most of the day crying” and “The first day can be hard” were heard…and my heart sunk a little deeper knowing that all the wishful thinking and dreaming was doing no good, because at the end of the day, he was still going to be the same kid I brought in. It really, really, makes me wonder, if this is the best for him.
Not just THIS, this kindergarten gig. But this. This life, this style of living, this house, these people…this everything. Is it whats best for Josh? Is it fair for everyone involved? Did I maybe step into something deeper than I should have? Should I have given it more “Deep” thought?…and suddenly my concrete answers that “I am doing whats best for him” slipped away, and was replaced with doubt, and guilt, and second guessing, and wonder and of course…confusion.
I can only do so much. Go so far. Give so long. I can only go like this for a certain amount of time.
…and then what?
Will I be kicking myself (again) for not listening to the people who really know best? Will I be wishing I did things differently, made different choices, and pushed for different results? Is it fair for the kids to live like Josh is the only one in this house, and everything has to center in around him? Is it fair to Josh to have to live with someone who knows so little about what hes going through, and has no idea WHAT to do or give to him? Is it really fair to keep teasing myself with this false reality that there “Might be hope” when Ive already been told there isn’t?
Just how long do I go? How far is too far? When is it time to just call it quits, and give up already…because if its when it all gets to be too much, and if its time to give up when I don’t think we can honestly go on any further – then I missed the mark a long time ago.
I think back, to how far we have come, and just what things we have tackled…not just this past year, but in the past almost five years of Joshs life. I think of all the things he has been through (whether he knows about it or not) and I realize that there is a whole lot crammed into a few short years. There have been so many changes, so much chaos, and so many obstacles to get through…I think of all the time and effort that was spent to get him back, no matter what, and keep him here, no matter what, and then I ask myself if Im really going to allow one tiny little thing like this, forfeit it all…
…and I know, that given the right opportunity, the right chance, the right amount of pressure, I would most likely.
Even though I don’t want to.
Even though I really know that this is just another step, another hill, another chapter…even though I know that when it is all said and done (I hope) this is the best for him.
…and it worries me to think about when that might happen. Will it be tomorrow when I take him to school again? Or the day after when someone else takes him? Will it happen this weekend? Next week? A month down the road when all of this is all but forgotten, and there is some new and interesting curve to tackle…and whats going to stop me. Stop me from packing it all up and shoving it out the door. Whats going to stop me from saying enough is enough, and giving up on him. I hope that day doesn’t ever come. I hope that it never comes to a point where I cant talk myself out of a problem, and make myself realize that it is or will be ok…Im not the first one to run into problems and I certainly wont be the last.
Its just sometimes I cant shake the feeling that Im screwing up (again) and Im screwing up big time.
I think I have been more open and honest here, than I have in actual “Real life” although I really hate that term. I have mentioned things here, that I wouldn’t dare say to people I meet on the streets, and sometimes I wonder if that might be a problem, I wonder sometimes if I give off a persona of a person, that really…Im not. But for the most part, I like to think who I am here, is who I really am. For the most part. I wonder sometimes if the internet land knows more about who I am, than I know myself. Ive shared just about every detail of my life here, its spelled out black and white somewhere on here…so why would I refrain from telling something that has rocked the world as I know it? Ive done it before, I can do it again. The only thing is, it shouldn’t.
It doesn’t exactly…make sense the way I would hope it would, and it doesn’t exactly come out black and white the way I like.
Ever since the words “Autism” and “Autistic” were used in the same sentence as “Josh” I went head over heels doing research on it. I was determined to understand it. Understand something that made absolutely no sense back then, and still doesnt now. I read articles, search forums, and even went as far as buying some “recommended” books* on “understanding autism”. Up until today, Josh hasn’t had an official diagnosis. Infact, Im not sure he ever will have an official diagnosis, considering the fact that it cant officially be diagnosed. The closest weve gotten is “Maybe, most likely, probably” autism is part of his problems. Different names have been tossed around, and even a few other diagnosis’ have been placed on him…but nothing solid, or confirmative. Nothing to jump off of…
Until today.
Monday I took him into his therapist, where there was a “Evaluation” set up. An evaluation I personally have been dreading, knowing that it was going to be a long day, with Josh sent to his limits, and beyond. The day started out bad, with him either clinging to me like there was no tomorrow, or slamming his head into the ground as if trying to break something. When we got to his therapist, everything broke loose, and he assumed position, hammering his head on anything there was: the floor, chairs, the wall…anything. I was advised, upon entering, to “Not restrain him” and “Let him react naturally” in order to give them an inside look on how he behaves when introduced to a new surrounding, and new people, or something like that. I was also handed a book of papers to fill out during the evaluation.
It wasn’t until things started to get really ugly with Josh did I take him out of the room just long enough for him to calm down and return without sending us to the ER for stitches. They then attempted to get him to “Communicate” with them, while I continued with the books.
There was a group of people there, each looking through a different perspective. One was looking for behavior resembling PTSD, one for autism, and one for something else he had been labeled with a while ago. All things that have thrown up a road block when trying to get him help…with one person interacting with Josh, the rest of them sat by scribbling notes into their notebooks…when Josh would have nothing to do with her, she turned her attention to the papers I was filling out.
“You say he doesn’t have eating disorders. Does he eat everything you place in front of him? Does he eat everything? Are there certain foods he resists? Are there others hes more willing to eat? Does he use utensils” and so forth. I didn’t mention the time he threw his chicken to the dog we were babysitting, or all the times hes tossed a random piece of food at a random person. She moved on to the next question. “Does he interact well with other children? Does he share his toys? Does he cry if they get to close? Does he initiate play? Does he interact well with his sibling” and on we went, through every question.
Every so often, I glanced Josh’s direction to make sure he was doing atleast “Ok”. He was standing in the corner, crying, shaking and generally terrified. Acting like he was during those first few days when we brought him home. Occasionally he would try and open the door, and when he wasn’t able to he would collapse on the ground, screaming throwing himself around…and like clock work everyone would scribble some notes on their paper.
When it was all said and done, I picked Josh up, and hauled him out. Doing my very best to maintain a solid grip.
That. Was Monday.
I couldn’t help but wonder if they would get a correct evaluation on him, after all they saw one side of him. One side of his personality. They saw the worse of him, they didn’t see him when hes calm. They didn’t see him interacting with the older kids, or making attempts at talking. They saw none of it. But in a way, I suppose that was good…because if he was like that all the time, then I wouldn’t have had him there, getting evaluated.
Today, was the moment of truth…when everything was complied together, and an official (as official as it can get) diagnosis was made on him: He has autism. Sever autism…and while PTSD and the other labels might be contributing factors, they are mostly confident that autism is his underline issue. At one point she said that hes young enough to over come the other issues, they arent a big issue…
She also gave a few recommendations as far as what therapist to get him into see, and which ones to take him out of. She said that speech therapy isn’t necessary. That he doesn’t NEED speech therapy. Saying something to the effect of “First we need to get Josh out…his speech will follow” She pointed us in the direction to get Josh the help HE needs, wished us luck, and said good-bye…and while it’s a relief to be heading in the general direction of the correct way…its also difficult to hear what I already knew. That he needs help. Help, that he isn’t getting, and hasn’t been getting. Help, that I cant give him, and can only HOPE to find for him.
I don’t understand any of it anymore than I did when the words were first tossed around. To me, it’s a foreign language. It makes no sense, and I don’t think it ever will. I sat there, a few minutes today after she had left…in the room that was empty all for the two chairs. Thinking. Thinking about Josh, and his future, taking in everything that had been said…and the reality of it all…and there really are no words. Because I don’t understand what I claim to know. Which is the danger I was afraid of falling into.
“Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see”
-Martin Luther King Jr.
–
*When I ordered those books a few months ago, I never did read them, but instead set them in a pile with the rest of the things “To do”. I didn’t have time to read them until these past few weeks while traveling to and from Nevada when I had an extended period of uninterrupted time. While I sat there today, taking in all that had been said a few things popped out of the book by Lynn Hamilton I had been reading called: Facing Autism.
“First, autism is not a death sentence. Your precious child is the same today as he was before the diagnosis; you just didn’t have the label before”
“Unlike the manner in which so many childhood illnesses are handles, we couldn’t just get Ryan a prescription of penicillin, wait ten days, and pronounce him cured.”
Filed under: Big mess', Letting it out, The kiddos | Tags: Sleep Issues, Josh, disconnected & random, Looking for answers
A lot of things just havent made sense. Some things just havent added up. Things just havent…become completely clear to me yet, but Ive chocked them up to “Things don’t always make sense”. Because for the most part, it works. Joshs “Not yet official, but pretty sure, kind of maybe” diagnosis works…for the most part. There are some things that just don’t fit, and some things that just don’t add up with it, but for the most part, its ok, and it works, and he has been making some progress, so it must be right, right?
A lot of things I havent written about, a lot of things Ive kept silent about and havent said anything to anyone about them, because well, every kid has their quirks, and making a big deal out of nothing…well…things are already big enough.
One thing would be Joshs sleeping. He doesn’t sleep good. Oh, he loves that time of night when he gets to go to his crib (hes always been weird like that). He doesn’t go to sleep right away, and usually lays there babbling away to his bear, something hes always done, but after about 15 minutes, hes usually out. For a few hours, until he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, crying, and generally terrified of whatever it was he was dreaming about. For the most part, he can be put back to sleep. You rub his back, or let him know your there, and he calms down…I usually put their music back on, and he goes back to sleep. But this happens three, sometimes four times a week. Not every night, but enough that its becoming a slow problem.
There are other things too, that don’t seem to quite add up with the whole “Autism” thing. Because while it may be true, and Im not trying to avoid it, there are some things that just…don’t…add up.
Another would be something he doesn’t do all that often now, but used to do it in the beginning when he first got here. The way he would stand in a corner, pulling his hair, screaming, or scratching at himself. Those are things I mentioned, and things that other people saw, and said “Oh…he has adjusting issues” but things I saw and said “Something isn’t right here”.
When he started going to preschool, it took a few weeks for him to adjust enough that he would actually go in, and stay there, without someone standing righttherewithhim sort of thing. Once he adjusted, he was ok with going, but not ok with participating…infact, its taken some time, but hes adjusted enough to the point where he will participate…sometimes…and while he isn’t all that out going, he does have a few kids that are his friends. Remember this? There is also one other kid there, who he really hit it off with. Another quiet kid, who also, doesn’t talk. He isn’t wild, and hyper like every other three-four year old in there. Hes like Josh, in that, he takes his time to adjust, and prefers to keep quiet and to himself for the most part. Its really quite odd the ways they are similar in.
Last week, his mom brought him over to play with Josh for a few hours. Originally, she was planning to drop him off, but like Josh, he freaked out when she said she was going to leave. The thought of staying in a new place, without her, was to much for him to handle, and she ended up staying with him, instead. While Josh and her son played…the conversation I was having with her quickly changed from “Beautiful weather, isn’t it?” to more personal things.
She got right down to business talking about her son, and his issues. Some of the things she said about him, were things I could have repeated straight out, only with Joshs name in place. But what really struck me as odd was when she said something to the effect of “He will stand in corners, pulling his hair and screaming for no apparant reason”. It was the first time I have ever heard someone else actually say that. The first time I heard that there was actually another kid out there, with issues so similar to Josh, it was kind of creepy. Just out of curiosity I poked around another subject. “Does he sleep good?” to which she, shockingly enough replied “No…not really….”
It was as if they were living parallel lives. Josh and her son.
“So…he has autism then?” so far, it’s the only medical term Ive heard used with Josh. That or “Mental delay” which hasn’t been touched on much since Josh has shown he IS still learning. She sighed. “No…he has PTSD” I, am no expert with these things, and thought perhaps it was another form of autism. So I remained silent, and she continued. His dad and her had gotten a divorce. His dad had custody of him the first two months, because of some court order, and during that time, he abused him. Continually, over the two months that he had him. “He went from being a happy, energetic, normal little boy….” she paused “…to this”.
At that point, warning signs and alarms started going off in my mind.
“Does Josh have…autism?” I was quiet a few minutes, watching Josh and her son interact. It was the first time I had really seen Josh interact with someone his own age, someone with issues similar to his. “They…arent sure” I finally muttered.
Friday, when I took Josh to his therapy session, I mentioned this to his therapist. Who, instead of responding in his typical manner…sat silent a few minutes before replying that he wasn’t able to give me “Any more” confidential details about Josh.
*Beginning Rant*
Things do NOT make sense. Something does NOT add up. But I know where the answers are. I know where they are hidden, and Im going to get them. Im going to get to the bottom of this, Im going to find answers, and get them. But all I have to say is there better not be anyone who laid a hand on Josh. Because if they did, there isn’t anything that is going to stop me. Someone better not have hurt him, and put him in this position at four years old. I don’t care who it is or who it was, they better be hoping they didn’t do anything, or that I don’t find out, because things arent going to be pretty. I have a pretty good idea it has something to do with the “Confidential” files that Joshs dad wont let me see.
Of course, I ran this all by my lawyer, who advised me not to do anything stupid. Because apparently he knows, when it comes to these kids, and their safety, there isn’t anyone (or anything) that would stop me. There wont be anything nice about it, if I find out that something happened. I want those files, I want to see what happened, what was recorded. Even if it is “Nothing” I need to know what happened, and why hes this way. I need to know. Im tried of this “Confidential” line they keep feeding me.
It most likely is “Nothing” and I hope it is. I hope it is “Autism” I hope it is “Nothing”…but I want to know. I want the answers…and I wont be stopping until I get, just that.
Im not saying this is Joshs issue. Im not saying anyone has done anything to Josh…all Im saying is that I want answers…and Im not stopping until I get some.
*End of rant*
Filed under: Big mess'
Except to say I am really? Pissed off.
More to come later.
First, however, I must do something to prevent doing something that will land me in jail.
Were home, to be honest, there is nowhere I would rather be. Its been long enough and unlike most trips, Im not in a hurry to leave anytime soon. There is just so much packed up into this small town and getting back to our….life, well, its hard to explain. Sure, it costs a fortune to leave, and it’s a pain to be here for so long…but the more I leave, the more I realize…that this is the place Im glad to call home.We didnt accomplish much, infact, I think we unraveled more than we tied up….but I think it was something that needed to happen. I didnt have a lot of time to say what I was trying to – most of the time it was late night loose ends I wanted to get out.
The (I want to say psychiatrist, but Im not 100% sure) therapist that was south, made it very clear to me that his evaluation with Josh, was going to be confidential and that anything he discovered, found out, or uncovered would not be told to me, that since I technically don’t even have custody of him – I wasnt able, wasnt legally aloud to be given anything….and thats how things were, this past week.
So far, things up here, with Joshs therapist here, have been really open. Hes said from day one that this isnt his normal case, and he has kept me up to date with any small, little thing that hes noticed. I’ve even been invited to watch the therapy – and even though I don’t usually attend them, its nice to have the option…its really, open.
Down south, one of the first things he made clear was that there was a waiting room – and thats where I should and would, wait. Yea, he asked questions, he handed me a clip board and papers, and led Josh into his office. He told me he would be talking with Joshs therapist back home. It wasnt until a few hours later, that he brought Josh back out, a frazzled, snotty mess and informed me that Josh needs to change therapist, that his current therapist is “barking up the wrong tree” and that is about all the information he would give me.
I asked played 20 questions and got nothing – nothing but the confirmation that I was really, screwing things up, and needed to change…but wasnt given enough information to do anything about it…
April is going to be a month of change. There are so many different choices that are all hinging on this month. Its one problem at a time at this moment. Aside from Joshs therapy struggles, we go to court this month to see whats next with his dad. There are a lot of issues concerning my job, will I loose the kids, and a possible move. Birthdays and more that I wont go into detail over now.
Were home. Were back. Were into the “normal” swing of “life” again and aglad to be. We will deal with tomorrow when it comes, take things one at a time and fight through it the best we can.
Yea, there is a possibility all this therapy has been pointless, there is a possibility Josh has more issues than I knew about, and yea, there is even a (great) chance I will freak and get upset at one point, but for now, the plan is to take things once by one, minute by minute. Remind me…next time I freak, because it will happen – its going to be a long, long month….but somehow….somehow. Maybe, when my brain finally catches up.
Filed under: Big mess', The kiddos | Tags: humor, Kids, Thats part of "Growing up"
First off, as a disclaimer, I will tell you again: Its not that I don’t love you, because I do.
This afternoon, when I came home from work, and left just as fast as I had come in? Had nothing to do with love…and no, I wasn’t planning to leave, you see…well…let me explain something to you.
Today is Monday. Monday is usually “State day” you know that. Its been how many years, and every Monday, without fail, the state shows up to do an inspection on the house. It comes with having a kid that isn’t technically mine yet, you know? This morning, I reminded you that I would be home as soon as I got off work…gave you last minute details like “Not answering the door to strangers” and “Going to the neighbors house” I gave you the restrictions all over again, and went over everything I had went over with you last night as well. Its Spring break. But that doesn’t mean the state wont be stopping by.
As evening approached I remembered I needed to pick Josh up from his therapy before heading home…I also remembered everything you had asked me to get for you in town, but I had little time, and needed to get home, once again, love has nothing to do with this. This…is times fault. After I picked Josh up we headed home as fast as possible…there was maybe 3 minutes before the state would show up, just enough time to get everything put back in order and have every one looking their best – like, yea right?
I guess you might say it was a shock, to open the door to a white mess. I was slightly confused, but quickly caught on. I know what flour looks like, and now, thanks to you, I know what it looks like when its covering everything. That is one pleasure I could have done with out – but thank you, just the same. I closed the door – closed it to erase from my memory the state of the house. I closed the door to regain my bearings and try to come up with a good plan – even though there was no such thing. I closed to door so I didn’t get mad at something that in a few minutes, really wouldn’t matter. But I did, open the door again. I opened the door and ran around for the next 3 minutes learning a very valuable lesson: Flour mixed with glue and glitter does NOT come clean with simply water – infact, it makes a big mess, bigger.
Im sure you could tell from the frantic state that something was NOT right, but that didn’t stop you from telling me all about your “First day off of school”. It didn’t stop you from telling me all about how you thought you could make it snow in the house, since the snow outside – Is gone. No, the franticness didn’t stop you from giving me important details…details that I paid little attention to as I ran around making a bigger mess, out of the already “Big” mess. When I heard the states car pull in the drive, I knew there was no way to get it cleaned up, and as they got out of their car, I shuffled you all out into the drive way to try and “Buy us some time”.
You see, for the past, I don’t know how many years, Ive taken no chances with a “Dirty house” our house may be trashed from Monday evening to Sunday evening, but those few hours in between Monday, its unrecognizable. Infact, you can actually see floor. Sure, there have been many “Close calls” where, as the state is walking up the stairs Im yelling to stuff things here and there. Im sure you remember the time we loaded that big closet up with all the misc items, and hoped that they wouldn’t check behind that door. Im sure you remember, because you talk about it, quite often. But the truth is, I havent taken any chances with a “Messy” house. Its one thing I can atleast try and prove that I can “Sometimes” manage – if for just a few hours a week.
As we stood outside the door…flour coating everything within a few inches of us, I wondered just what she would say. What would I say? How would I explain this one? We had a cooking disaster? We made “Snow?” The only thing going through my mind at the moment, was knowing that I was going to loose you guys…all over again. As she approached, I caught a quick look at you all…coated in flour, dirty from play…the only one that looked ½ way decent was Josh – and even then, he was coated in a thin layer from simply going in the house for a few minutes. A caked mixture clung to my pants from where I tried to clean up the mess. She looked us all over…then asked to go in.
I looked at you, and you all looked at me. I quietly told her that she might not want to go in there, but she insisted, and pushed her way in, while we stood waiting. Anticipating, fearing the worse. It was the shortest visit Ive seen them make. In and out, just like that…and instead of telling me that she would be back to retrieve you, do you know what she said? She smiled and said that it was the first time she wasn’t worried about the state of the house…that it was the first time it actually looked like I was living with kids, and that she was going to mark down that everything was “Normal” here – and the first time, that she actually believed…it was.
I heaved relief, and we walked back into the white covered house…where everything, was “Normal”.
We cleaned for the next few hours, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we will still be finding flour in the years to come, but you know what? I don’t think I will even look at “Flour” the same again. Today, you taught me something…you taught me that cleaning flour up with water — is not efficient…but beyond that, you taught me that “Messes” are to be expected. That “Messes” arent always “Messes” in the eyes to the “Maker”. You taught me today, that messes can be cleaned up, that flour can be replaced, but that the memory will always remain. You taught me just how important it is to “Think before saying” and you’ve made me very glad that I didn’t get upset with you all – you’ve taught me more than I think Ive ever learned…and for that, I thank you.
As a side note, however, I will just mention this: You did it once, you learned. Don’t try it again. There are six days left in this spring break – six days – if you want to go to school come next Monday? I think flour better not be in your future.
Looking forward to schools great return,
Your Uncle
Filed under: Big mess', Good for nothing thoughts | Tags: disconnected & random, Josh, My thoughts
You know those days where shutting the door to life, and walking off the edge of the earth, never to be seen or heard from again – sounds totally awesome? Thats been today. The kind of day where nothing has gone right, and despite best intentions you just cant seem to shake the negativity thats been coating everything. The kind of day where shutting the door and walking off, walking away from everything and everyone, sounds like the perfect answer. The kind of day I said I would never have, once getting the kids back. That kind. That day. Is today.
Yesterday I went into my lawyers office, and got the news that the state? Cant find Josh’s dad. Which, isnt exactly bad, but isnt exactly good either. It isnt bad, because it means I wont be loosing him just yet, but its not good because it means this whole ordeal? Wont be put to rest just yet either…and because they cant find him, they cant just force his signature – they apparently, have to locate him first…or give him a certain amount of time to do his thing, Im not sure…all I know is that his dad isnt able to be found and that this case will continue to be drug on for a spell longer…I mean, I knew it was going to get difficult, I knew getting Josh wasnt going to be easy, but I didnt know it was going to be drug on so long.
Its kind of set the base for the weekend I guess, because things have been downhill ever since.
I had made plans to do something that Ive been meaning to do for the past few months, but just havent because of other, things. Since I had already made the plans I couldnt back out, even though it wasnt something I wanted to do anymore. I met up with the people who supposedly had Josh the majority of the past two years. I had called them earlier this week, and set up a time this weekend, just so I wasnt a complete…stranger knocking on their door mid week, and also because I knew that if I didnt set a time, it would never get done. Knocking on their door, I got a sudden…thought that I should just…leave. I wasnt suppose to be there, I wasnt going to find any of the answers I was looking for. The place was intimidating. It was out of place, something youd find in an upstate city, not in our town. A place I would never be found, and a place that made me wonder if there was perhaps a dress code for entering the house. The door bell echoed throughout the halls as I waited outside wondering just how many people actually lived there.
I spent the next hour, listening to their past history, and life’s story. I heard all about how he was in the air force. I heard all about the wars he fought in, and the troubles their marriage had survived. I heard more information than I ever hope to process, but what I was really there for, was answers…about Josh, to be honest, I didnt care that while he was away fighting wars, she was back home sleeping with as many people as she could. But I nodded, and agreed, and waited until I could somehow casually slip “Josh” into the conversation. When I did, it was almost as if his name was taboo, because they both grew very solemn and quiet. I wondered if they would give me something. She finally, stood up and asked me to follow her, down the giant halls, up some stairs, and down some more halls…until finally she opened a door. The room appeared to belong to a small child, painted in a light blue, with yellows accenting things. A book shelve, and toys were in the corner, and a small bed was against the wall. She walked in, and pulled out a photo album, and about that time I realized I had stepped into what belonged to Josh.
The only real pieces of information I got from them, was that Josh was NOT with them the entire two years, that every few months, the state would take him, and send him to a different home, before giving him back to them…and without any prodding, she mentioned that every time he came back, he would seem a little more “Off”, the last time they got him back, they decided they werent going to put him through any more, and decided to give him back to me. It wasnt until she had talked a little more, that I realized she thought I was the opposite person, taking him every few months, when in reality I didnt see him the first year and 1/2. She showed me pictures from his “Birthdays” and from activities he did with them. There was Josh here, Josh there, Josh here and there and everywhere else, and as the photos progressed, he slowly lost his “Sense of Josh”.
I left more confused than when I walked in, and still…had no answers.
He has his good days, where hes totally ok with everything, and I can get just about anything past him…and then he has days where everything is a major ordeal, and I wonder just what happened during that time…
He has days where hes learning, and happy, and ok with new adventures. He has days where he smiles, and laughs, and takes things to a whole new level…and then he has days where hes scared. Hes timid, hes cautious, and paranoid. Days where he freezes, and screams, and kicks and yells, and everything seems to be torture to him…days where I wonder if I even should have him, because it doesnt appear Im doing any good for him.
On his good days, hes such a happy…funny…kid. He so much fun to be around, and you wouldnt even know that he HAS “Issues”. But on his other days, hes someone you dont want to even cross paths with…hes confusing, and frustrating. He hides. He screams. He yells. He kicks and throws himself around on the ground. He freezes up, he does things that I cant even explain what are…and no one, can tell me why. No one can tell me whats wrong with him, no one can tell me what happened to him…no one knows, and sometimes it seems that no one, really even cares that hes got “Issues”.
Today…has been an “Off day”.
The kind of day where hes spent a majority of his time in his corner, scratching at himself, resorting to his old behavior. Screaming at things like wind blowing in the door, or a piece of dust coming his way. Throwing himself on the ground at the noise of something so quiet, its almost impossible to hear…the kind of day where the kids got a little to close accidentally and he about launched himself over the invisible edge…screaming, pushing at corners, yelling, crying, shaking and all the rest of it.
Its been the kind of day where…while I feel terrible ffor him, I wonder if he would just be better off…if I left him. Left him to fight it out – even though I know he doesnt know whats causing him to react this way…I cant help but wonder “Is it something I did?” Its hard…to see him like this today, when just yesterday, we walked out of the store, while he laughed at the cars driving by – when just yesterday – we spent time watching “Big trucks” because he just about goes over the edge with excitement when he sees them. When just yesterday, he appears to be “Just fine” and yet today…hes on the completely opposite side of anywhere near “Normal”.
Its been that kind of day. The kind where the open door looks inviting…and leaving everything behind seems exciting…but this…THIS right here, is what Ive been fighting for, and what I will keep fighting for…because I know hes in there, and I know he needs help and I know there IS help…even on days like today…when nothing goes right, and everything is upside down, and when hes standing in the corner, peeling at his skin…something that tomorrow will leave bright red welts on his arm…something keeps me going. I cant give up on him…not now…not ever. Even today, when all I really want to do is “Fix him” and make him “Ok”…Even today when every option seems “Helpless” and “Pointless”, when his dad is “Nowhere” to be found – and weeks later, he will have more power over him…I cant just give up on him…
I just dont know why…and I wish I did.
I wish I had the answers to things…especially today when everything seems to be so new, and fresh…and raw.
I wish I knew. I really, really do.
Filed under: Big mess'
I will update soon…
I will come up with something to say…
I will eventually figure out how to say whats been happening with Josh, sometime soon…
It might take a while…
I realize, its been a week since weve returned from this trip, and so far, Ive posted and taken down about three things. It only says one thing: I cant figure out how to say what I want to say. I apologize.
Life has been…unexpectedly difficult as of lately, and anything worth making sense over, just wont happen. Im stuck. But tired of sounding like a broken reccord, so instead, I will keep quiet. But I will…sometime soon, put something together to explain this complicated situation with Josh…Im working on it…Im just trying to get it to make sense, and with the other issues…I havent been able to focus as much as I would like.
Someday, someday soon…I promise.
