Im Trying

Every time I try to type the words I get stuck.  I tell myself I prefer to keep it hidden, only reviling it to those who really care to know, not those who are looking for a five minute conversation to make themselves feel better…but in all honesty, its because I don’t know how to approach the subject.  So many times I have been told that I have made it up, so many times I have been told to get over it, and so many times I wish – that I could have made this up, so that I could just get over it.

Its my story, and I choose to hold parts of it to myself.

I put enough out there.  Too much I think sometimes.  But then I remember, Im only writing for myself, so why does it matter if I put my whole story out there?  I know it anyways.  I try not to dwell so much on the story itself, but rather life as I come away from it.

What most people probably don’t know, or wouldn’t really guess I suppose, is that I don’t talk a lot.  Im not the one to dominate the conversation – and unless you speak directly at me, and ask me a direct question, you probably wont hear from me.  Its not that I mean to be rude as most people assume I am, its just that I don’t have a whole lot to say.  And if I do, someone could say it much better than I ever could.

I don’t have big words that flow together good.

This is tricky.  This life.  This world.  This grief.

Its tricky to live without the ones you love, and its tricky to try and make a life after loosing someone you love – but you know what – there are so many books and words, and blogs out there that say it so much better, so really, who am I to try and help someone else.

This is my life.  Or whats left of it.

I don’t claim to have it together, I don’t claim to understand.  Because when I do claim that, something goes wrong.  What I do claim is that I am trying.  I am trying and that is all I can do.

I am trying to raise three kids who arent mine biologically.  I am trying to raise three kids who have overcome the odds.  I am trying to raise them like their parents would have wanted.  When everyone else said “I just want to be the grandparents” or “I just want to be a friend” I had to say “I just want to be an uncle, but they need a parent.”

I am trying to balance.  I am trying to balance my life with their lives.  I am trying to balance the checkbook.  The work schedules, the school schedules, the therapy schedules.  I am trying to balance life between being an uncle, and being two parents to three kids – when I am one person.  I was never good at math, but that doesn’t even seem to add up.

I am trying to learn how to go about life without those I love.  I am trying to understand why its ok for me to have lost everyone I loved.  I am trying to learn that just because I lost them, doesn’t mean I cant still love them.  I am trying to understand that it is ok to love.  And that is something that is very difficult for me to do.

I am trying to be the best person that I can be.  And not to blame my problems on the past.  I am trying to give the kids the best, when all I want to do is hide away.

I am trying to understand how to live life.  How to go on, and how much time is too much time.  Im trying to understand where I fit in this life.  This world.  It seems that I am always one step behind, or ahead.  It sometimes seems like I am alone so much of the time, trying to pave this path for myself, and just when I get it figured out – someone else announces that they already have.

Im trying to remember the things I learn so I don’t have to relearn them all over again – the hard way.

Im trying.  And that’s all I really can do.

{June 2011}