I read something earlier, about the importance of combining happiness in the things that you write. Which, ok. I suppose. But then I got to thinking about the things that I write, the part of life I choose to put out there, and not all of it is hearts and flowers. But it is honest truth. And it isn’t forced. Because forcing myself to write something, doesn’t work.
So I thought. Ok. Well I just wont say anything on those days when I feel down, and when things arent all smiles…but that would take about 90% of the things down. The things left wouldn’t make much sense, and there would be gaping holes left behind.
Because life isn’t always happy. And it isn’t always easy. And throwing death into the picture makes things even less than pretty.
We have good days, we really do. Those days when things go ok, and we manage to squeeze by as a “normal” family…not that I would know what that was really. There are days when everything is ok, and the kids are just being kids, and no one freaks or breaks anything. Those days when there isn’t anything pressing on my mind.
And I don’t often write about them, because those are the days when everything is ok, and I don’t feel the need to write.
But then those days come, when I just need to get it all out on paper, and its not because Im “Depressed” or “Suicidal” or anything like that…its because its just been one of them days when NOTHING went right, or my mind is on over load, or I simply want to get it out…and then I write. About whats on my mind.
There are also days when I write about the good, the things that happened, the way the kids behaved, moments that make me proud. Those things are written too. It’s a combination, a thin line. A big book. Its life. And its here. Its my life. How it is, and how I see it.
Today has been a combination of all those days rolled into one.
Coming down from a weekend that had just about every single emotion packaged into it, and into a week where I am expected to be a citizen of this town – and get up and go to work for 8 hours and come home to kids who are off the walls with sugar.
A day when driving home I see an older friend pulling out of the cemetery, and know…just KNOW what he was up there for. And wonder and know what hes going through. Coming home to find out that a mutual friend, someone I see on an almost daily basis, hopped on his motorcycle this afternoon to head to lunch, and was in a head on collision.
And how life can change. Just so darn fast. And there is sometimes a chance to say good bye, and sometimes there isn’t.
How things just happen. So fast. And your life goes from absolutely perfect, to flipped upside down.
And then the kids ask if we can go to the movies, and see Toy Story 3. And I open my mouth to say no – no, we will do it tomorrow. No, its too late. It cost too much money. You will be tired tomorrow. IM tired. I have to get up early. “Not tonight” I hear myself say…
And then I wonder.
And I think about things. And I know that I have to be up early, and that the kids will be overly tired tomorrow. And that it will be crowded, and busy…that it will cost money that we don’t really have at the moment…and Josh will freak out, because people. People. And I will freak out on the same basis…
But what if.
“Things change so fast”
And the day flipped through my mind…and I saw the green explorer pulling down the hill of the cemetery, and the flags from memorial day blowing in the breeze…and the words ringing in my head “Its not looking well…he has a brain hemorrhage” and I looked at the kids…who are growing up faster than I can know…and how today will be here and gone tomorrow…
And I changed my mind.
And I took all three of them to the late night movie, where they ate their fill on overly expensive popcorn, laughed, and loved every minute of the movie, and went to bed way past their bed time.
And you know what? We may have stayed up way too late. Ate way too much of the wrong foods. Will be overly tired in the morning. And have to pay for this movie trip with my next pay check weeks away…
But we went together. We had fun. We lived. We smiled. We laughed.
And you know what? That’s ok.
Dave, I am glad that you wrote this post. It is true; I am often concerned that you and the kids are in a constant state of upheaval. You have such a hard time believing that you are doing fine raising the kids and that makes me sad.
I know that kids are kids and I know that your kids have had to deal with more hardship than most kids do. That being said I believe that they belong right where they are right now, with you.
My biggest concern is you. Raising kids is hard. It is hard for couples, hard for moms and hard for uncles with big hearts and the knowledge that kids need someone who LOVES them, and they know you love them.
So, I now have a better understanding of your blog and I am smiling.
God Bless you Dave!