Tunnel Vision

Last weekend, it was so close. So close, that I could smell and almost taste it. It was there. Right there. Within reach, yet something kept me back. The left over thoughts that said if I touch just ONE beer, it would all be over. The thoughts that said that court was coming up soon, and I needed to do this. I had to. It was so close, I couldn’t slip up. Not yet. Not now.

And while its nice to have it finalized, and have everything finally put behind us…I almost wish, in a small sort of way, that it wasn’t. That it wasn’t over with. Because now, I have no excuse. No reason NOT to. No thoughts to pull me back, or keep me from going back. Its only a matter of time. But how long?

This week, Ive been in a funk. Something that isn’t easy to admit. I don’t like admitting that I have problems, that Ive been “Down” and not “All there”. Id prefer to keep silent, to wait it out, to say everything is ok. But I cant. Not right now. Not this time. Because there isn’t anything holding me back. As bad and as selfish, as it sounds…the kids are mine, its over, why NOT go back?

Even though.

Even though I know WHY I did it, even though I know why NOT to go back, even though I promised myself once I gave it up, I wouldn’t ever go back…there is a little joint up the street, that calls my name every Friday…

I have come up with more than one excuse to go. Come up with more than one reason why it would be ok. Ive talked myself into and out of going there no less than a dozen times, and yet I just cant shake it.

Sometimes my own mind just isn’t enough. Because when I argue with myself, I can only argue so long, and pretty soon, Im arguing FOR myself with myself…and that isn’t ever good. Because eventually I will give in…and I don’t want to.

I hate to say this, because I don’t WANT to say this…but tonight I want to go back. I want to slip back.

Even though.

I know how hard it is to give it up, and I know just how quickly I could become addicted again. But sometimes its not enough. Its just not enough to hold me back. And so I try reason. I cant do that, cant start drinking again. The kids. The state. The issues. And it works for a while, and then it doesn’t. Because its over. No one cares what I do. We don’t HAVE a case anymore. The kids are mine, I have papers to back it up. So whats holding me back?

To be honest? Nothing.

I don’t like being in this position, because I know that its only going to be a matter of time…

Time. That dreaded word that was suppose to become a friend, is still an enemy.

I don’t want to. I want to. I cant. I can. I shouldn’t. I should. Its wrong. Its right. I don’t need to. I need to.

Sometimes I wonder, and then, sometimes…I don’t.

I need a reason.

Because its not working anymore. This isn’t easy for me to say, because I don’t want to say it. But it needs to be said. Because while I have been sober for over a year and ½, it only takes one. It only takes a split second decision, and it can all be over. Sometimes, that’s enough logic, and other times. Its just not. Its hard to say, because I know how bad it sounds. I know how stupid and selfish, and insane all this sounds. I know it doesn’t make any sense, and I didn’t expect it to. I know the answers don’t lay in the bottom of a bottle, but sometimes…my own logic just isn’t enough.