Tunnel Vision

Originally posted August 22, 2008.

Its something that strikes a nerve every time I hear, or read the word. No, I havent had cancer, myself. But…it was an active part of my life a few years ago.

Emmy

My sister, the mom to the two kids I currently have custody of now, lost her battle with cancer at 28, July 7, 2005

But how it really effected my life, was when it took my daughter from me.

I dont think there are any other words that have sent chills up and down my spine than when I was in that small doctors office, being told that my little angel had that evil disease. That she had aggressive, brain tumors. I dont think there are any words that doesnt shake a parent in ways unthinkable, than to be told that your child has cancer.

November 2004.

It was not quite a month after her second birthday, when I took her in due to ear piercing screams from her, while she held her head. It wasnt what I had hoped for, approaching the holiday seasons, changing into a toddler, there wasnt time for a delay. There wasnt time for illness, there wasnt room for this in her life. They ran some test, took some blood, and sent us packing, they were busy with people who were in a car accident, they didnt have time to deal with my daughter who was just going through the “Terrible twos”. “Shes just itching for more attention, spend more time with her, make her stay in her bed” the “Ideas” were limitless.

A few weeks after her first appointment, I received the phone call, saying the doctor wanted to talk with us. I needed to come in, as soon as possible. He showed me X rays of her head, I had no idea what was coming. I was paranoid of the tiny room, and I had things to do, places to go, things that HAD to be done that day, I didnt have time to waste with him, as he showed me that she was alright. He sat down at his desk, took his glasses off, and stared my straight in the eyes, I purposely avoided his look, watching Emmy as she played with the germ infested toys that she had drug in with her. “Your daughter has brain tumor” I froze. What else could I do? What could I say? My mind froze. My body froze. He must have had the wrong files. It wasnt possible. I looked at him for answers, I searched his face for any signs of a cruel joke. But he was serious. It was the beginning of the end.

December 2004

A month later we boarded a plane, and headed for Seattle where she was to under go brain surgery. By that point, every possibility had been thought of, and the best option seemed to be to have her under go surgery. “Its a 50/50 shot” I could still hear his words ringing in my ears. “But if we dont do something now….” An aggressive, malignant tumor, growing, inside of her brain. Taking over her life. How could such an evil, dirty disease such as cancer be in her body? It didnt seem possible still. December 11th, she under went surgery.

While she was in surgery, I spent the 8 hours it took pacing the halls fearing the worse, wondering if I had made the right decision. “Its a 50/50 shot” kept ringing in my ears. But what if the odds were against her. Aside from being told not to consider the “What ifs” about it, I couldnt help myself.

Emmy was my everything. Not only was she my daughter, my angel, and my princess, she was my reason, my life, my morning and evening. After loosing my wife two years prior, Emmy took the top notch of being #1. Her heart exploded with love, and she loved everyone as much as a two year old could. She had no fear, but rather, boldly walked into the hospitals, proclaiming loudly, “HI, I ME!” Her way of introducing herself. She could win her way into anyones heart, any day. Her big hugs, wet whispers and slobbery kisses were to die for. She could love and laugh like nobodies business. Even at a young age, her personality shone through, and it was quite clear that she had her own style about her.

She won over every nurse and doctor there was in Seattle, and made great progress in the way of recovery. “She might have some brain damage, or memory loss, we wont know for sure how extensive things will be until she recovers completely” But when she came to after being in surgery, and the smile slowly peeled across her face, it was clear “Emmy” was still there. But it was far from over. The doctor wasnt happy with the surgery, saying that while it went well, she would still need to under go chemo in the near future. He wanted her to recover completely, however, before putting her through any more.

January 2005

January 1st 2005 – Its my birthday, and I really dont care, the only thing I wish for is that she will come through. I only want her to be ok, and for her to live a normal life. I wish I could trade her places, its so hard to watch her go through this. Her screams cut right to my center, and her eyes read with the pain she is in. I dont care what happens, as long as she comes out ok.

They sent her back to our local hospital the 8th of January. Two days later, the doctors told me not to expect her to make it through the night. There was nothing more they could do for her, and it was clear that she was going down hill….at a rapid speed. As night neared, the doctors continued to tell me to expect the worse, and all together, gave up on any hope of her recovery.

Emmy passed away January 11th, 8:45 pm.

She was 2 years 3 months and 11 days.

The night she joined her mom, I watched the night sky light up with the rarely seen Northern lights. They are common for further north, but a rare sight here. If they do happen along, its usually just a green light in the distance. January 11th, was an acception, as the whole sky light up with pinks, whites and greens that danced across the sky. Emmy was a very loving little girl, with a heart bigger than life. She loved everyone, and perhaps taught me one of lifes greatest lessons….

“Life is to short, to not smile” Because as she saw it, there was always something to smile about….she left a deep impression on my heart, as any child would to a parent, to say I taught her something wouldnt be true. To say she taught me something, would be more accurate.

Its been three years since shes been gone, and not a day goes by that I dont think about her, and her big heart. I wonder sometimes, if there was something I could have done to prevent her tumors, if maybe, as people often told me, “I caused her to much stress, or messed up her diet” I do know that cancer is an evil, dreadful disease, and it effect not only my daughters life, but mine as well.

Forever and always, my angel you will be

 Stand up to Cancer

 *****

Time changes things, yes.  But if I could change time, I would change a few things myself.