Tunnel Vision

“Your just going to jeopardize the older ones if you do keep him”

As if keeping him is a choice, as if hes a dog, not a child. As if I CAN just “Get rid of him”. But it’s a question I keep close, and it’s a question I seem to weigh all my options out with. Am I giving everyone a fair shot? Is it fair to Josh to keep him here? Is it fair to the older kids? The more I think about it, the angrier I get with the person who said it. Because while I don’t know if this IS the best, I am trying: to give everyone an equal shot, and I would not jeopardize one, over another…and I most certainly would not “Get rid of” one.

When Emmy first died, I remember thinking that if I could get through the first year, it would be home free from there. If I could make it through the series of “Firsts” then all would be fine. I sighed relief when the day came and left…it wasn’t until a few days later did it finally catch up to me. The reality of it all. That she was gone. That this was how life was going to be. It was a dark day.

Today is one year since I got Madison and Dylan back.

It doesn’t seem to compare. Im not gauging how long they have been gone, but rather how long they have been back, and just how far we have all come…together.

One year ago, I didn’t even know if I would be granted visitation rights…and now I watch as they grow to quickly, right before my eyes.

One year ago, I was sitting before a judge, my life laid out before him in the form of papers. Everything from my drug references to alcohol abuse. It was all there, it lay mixed in with the book of requirements, that much like my life, was worn and faded from being fondled so much. I didn’t see how or why anyone would grant me custody of them, but I was hoping, and holding onto the hope that I might be granted visitations. If I could just talk to them. Just see them. That would be enough to tell me what I needed to know…and while I went in with a sliver of hope that someday I would be getting the kids back, I mostly wondered if I would ever SEE them again.

I had done everything they asked me to. I was even told that things were looking good, and most likely I would be walking home with them, but any outward appearance that I was actually expecting to get them back was a mask…to cover up the anxiety and fear I was really feeling all while wondering if I would ever see them again.

I had jumped hoops, and walked the thin lines. I gave up drinking, got a job, and held it for longer than three months. I found a house, and began attempting to make it “Kid friendly” even though I really had no idea what that meant. I fantasized over the day, if it would ever come, when someday, they MIGHT be in that room. I wondered what it would be like if Emmy, were to come home…to stay in that same room I was fixing up for “Some kids” who didn’t even, technically, belong to me. I fought my desires to “Give up” and forfeit any hope I actually had. It wasn’t an easy road…but there isn’t anything that compares to when the door opened and the kids walked out…into my care.

It was the first real accomplishment I had made. Something I had started, followed through, and actually finished.

This year has definitely had its ups and downs. There have been good moments, and bad. Weve covered growing up, and the task of single parenting…there have plenty of hard times, and plenty of days that I have thrown my hands in the air and wondered just WHAT I was doing, and WHY I had pushed to get them back. There have been some “Not so proud” moments and I have let some words slip that I said I would never say around them. They have seen the good, the bad, and the very ugly around here…But there have also been those moments, like at the end of the day when they get in bed, and a story is read. The moments where I see their relationship grow, and I can see them really change.

…and then there are moments like these. Like today. When nothing really happened…and I cant really believe its been an entire year that they have been here, because it doesn’t seem like there was really a “Gap” between “Then” and “Now”. I know I missed it. I know I missed a lot. I know I missed more than I want to have, but sometimes…like today. It doesn’t really seem to matter. Because all that matters is that they are here. They are happy, healthy, mostly well behaved kids who know whats important in life…things like playing, and drawing, and watching movies. A time in their life where they are free to be kids, and being a kid means there are rough times, and happy times…but when night rolls around…they have a bed to get in, and a sibling to crawl in beside.

…and I have to wonder how I ended up so lucky, to have them.

Im ready.  For another great year.