Tunnel Vision

I know Ive written, numerous times, maybe too much, about cancer, and how its effected my life. Ive written up and down, the ways its effected me, and how it took Emmy, and well…all of that. I know Ive mentioned it, but not sure if Ive elaborated on it too much.

My older sister, passed away, July 7, 2005. She wasn’t JUST my sister, my older sister, the one person who had been there every day of my life, she was the mom to Madison and Dylan. It was seven months after Emmy had passed, that she joined her. After however, she buried not only my daughter, but our brother, and sister as well.

This Saturday, there is a walk. Ironic timing, really. A “Cure for lung cancer” walk. The same type of cancer my sister, Madison and Dylans mom, had.

Whats ironic about it, is that just last week, Dylan was asking…he was questioning, wondering, and generally pondering over the facts, and events leading to his moms death. He was just 6 ½ when she died, and a short while later, he found his dad – dead – in his bedroom. Obviously, the events of his dads death, were more dramatic on him, and the events leading up to and around his moms, have sort of, more or less, become splotchy memories. Something he doesn’t really remember, and something he hasn’t really ever wanted to talk about. When it first happened, people told me over and over and over that I needed to get HIM to talk, that I needed to MAKE him talk, but at the time, it was too much. Too much for me, but more importantly too much for Dylan. There was too much for his young mind to grasp, and he didn’t want to talk about it. He was sensitive about the subject, and would usually walk away.

Almost four years later, hes finally showing interest in things. Hes been slowly trying to piece back together a memory of his mom – something that Madison is more than willing to help him with…sometimes, shes a little to eager, and he walks off, leaving her wondering what she did wrong. But that’s how he is, how he has always been. I knew way back when, that he didn’t want to talk about it, and that he would…when he wanted to, when he was ready.

A lot has happened in the past four years…hes been seen by many different therapist, who have all said hes perfectly normal, and that he will deal with things in his own way – nothing to worry about…and he has. Hes changed so much. Hes went from being a very insecure, sensitive, lost 6 year old to a hyper, bold, loud, adventurous, and fierce, 10 year old. Hes changed…and now, he wants to know. He wants to know how “Mom died” he wants to know where he was when she died, why he wasn’t there, and why she died. He wants to know what caused her cancer, why lung cancer, and why the doctors couldn’t save her. Hes asked questions randomly, at odd times when there isn’t a lot of time to answer them, because that’s how he is. He wants the answer, and he doesn’t want to talk about it. He wants to process it, and deal with it himself – which is just fine. Its how he works. Its how he deals.

Tomorrow, there is a walk for lung cancer. Madison was the first one to point it out, a few months ago, when she was online doing one of her “Cancer researches” I didn’t think it would actually come to town, seeing that a lot of things gather in bigger cities. I told her we would see what June brought, because to be honest, I wasn’t thinking June in April. Or was it May? But last week when posters, and flyers started popping up, and a banner arrived downtown, and a website was even devoted to it, I told her we would think about it.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to encourage her to go at something she felt was important, it was that I didn’t know how Dylan would take to it. I didn’t know what was going on that weekend, or if it was even something we could swing….but being Madison, my lack of enthusiasm didn’t stop her…she set up shop, something she did last year, and started selling things. This year? Her point of interest is for this lung cancer cure walk. Last night she was proud to announce that she had sold enough items, and had $67 to donate on Saturday. As if that settled everything. We were going. Sort of thing. After all, how could I say no to THAT?

I let her break it to Dylan, who shrugged his shoulders, and was all game when he found out that it was going to be on a trail that he has been bugging me to take him on. I don’t know if he realizes what its for, or if its his way of processing it. I know Josh wont have a clue, other than hes going to be surrounded by people he doesn’t know, and we can only hope he does his best to stay calm. Madison – I know will go all out – like she always does…and I will go with them, because they obviously cant go alone. I will go, for my sister, for their mom, and for them…

…and something tells me, that if she knew what her kids were up to, shed be pretty proud of them, not that she wouldn’t be ordinarily…

Its hard to look at Madison and not think of her…its hard to watch the motivation, inspiration and out-going personality shes got, and not see her mom in her…Not that Dylan doesn’t resemble her, but I don’t remember seeing her ride her bike handless down the street. Don’t think I can recall too many times that she stood in the rain, hammering nails.

We will go out tomorrow, hope for good weather, and make the best of whatever situations come our way…

This *one* is for her.