Tunnel Vision

It was a pretty slow day. There was only one appointment. We had just returned from Dylans practice game. It was raining, he was drenched from head to toe, and mud had followed him in the house early this afternoon. My voice was lost somewhere in the competition, between Josh and Sponge bob. Trying to make lunch for three hungry animals, wasn’t going well. Madison had tripped, markers, crayons and pencils went everywhere there wasnt already a mess, and I was silently hoping we would have the place cleaned up before the state arrived this evening.

I wasn’t the only one who heard the door bell over the chaos, and any thing that wasn’t making noise, now was in full competition to REACH. THAT. DOOR. Tripping once over the heap of muddy clothes I let a few words slip, grabbed Josh just as he fell and swung the door open, fully expecting a neighbor kid wanting to play “Mud games” with the kids. I was shocked to find a person. A lady. Standing there. She introduced herself as being from the courts. Asked if she could come in and gave me a moment to recover. I stuttered something about a mess, and something else about lunch, and she advised me that was exactly what she had planned to come see. I hung my head, pushed the kids back, and cleared a trail through the tiny hallway leading her out to the living room.

The kids seem to go bonkers whenever someone shows up. Especially, someone new. They were off the wall crazy with a new person. Every toy in the house started making noise, and the last 10 minutes of sponge bob played out in the other corner of the house. The microwave beeped and Josh let out a wail before he collapsed in a heap on the ground: no one was paying attention to HIM. His voice simply could NOT get any louder. I drug him one way, and the kids split different directions. Showing off their latest greatest skills, drawings, paper collections and anything else. I tried to console myself with the fact that THIS is what she wanted to see, but it did little good. Somewhere deep down inside, I just KNEW she was there to tell me I had screwed up, that the kids were too noisy, and that she couldn’t hear herself thinking.

I was still trying to figure out who she was.

After apologizing a few hundred times, I set the kids down to eat, and stopped the noise coming from the TV. She declined the offers for food from the kids, and politely told them she wasn’t hungry.

It took a few minutes, but she finally got around to introducing herself, again.

She was from the courts. She was a court appointed visitor. She was sent to check things out, because, did I know? There was a court date for next month. Someone had brought up a complaint about Josh. Which is why I spent the next 20 minutes going over his history with her. Listing off his doctors, therapist, teachers and anyone else who has been involved with him over the past few months.

The court date, to put things to an end, was canceled for this month. The regular “Visitor” had handed things over to her, and she was from a different city in Alaska. Handling things long distance, with no phone on my part, wasn’t working too well. So she had to pay a visit. Something she preferred to do, unannounced. She wanted to see the real life. Not what could have been. She wanted to catch us off guard, and see how things were going…and in her opinion, they appeared to be “Normal” she said she saw no reason WHY Josh shouldn’t stay, or why someone would bring up a complaint. She said the house appeared like three kids lived there, and didn’t see any reasons for concern. She gave me her card, thanked me (?) and let herself out as I attempted to stop Josh from throwing his food across the room.

She saw apparently, all that she wanted to see. I hope she got a good look too, because this: is our life.

None of the kids were fully dressed, everyone was missing an important item of clothing. I like to smoke and drink coffee at the same time, and there were big stains on the kitchen counters. Dishes from last night lay piled in the sink. Toys and clothes lay mingled together with the misc art supplies Madi had spilled. There was a piece of bread laying in the hall way, because Josh loves to throw food. The garbage was stacked up next to the door, waiting to go out, and I don’t think I have ever actually scrubbed the toilet.

I was a little miffed at the fact that someone had started something new, brought up something against Josh, again. But it didn’t bother me as much as it used to. It seems to be the new normal. State workers, court appointed visitors, unannounced people – they seem to be creating this “New normal” of ours. For some people, it might not be right. Im not saying I enjoy every minute of it. But I will say this: Im getting used to it. Im starting to be ok with this “Normal”.

This month has been an especially hard one, and I would apologize for it, but it seems almost wrong to give the good without the bad. This is my life: Its laid out before you. Cut and dry. Black and white. Its like walking into the house unannounced. You don’t know what you will find, who you will see, or what will be thrown at you. Your welcome by anytime, its just an offshoot of my life. A different view. Different perspective. Its never clean, mostly dirty, and maybe even offensive to some. I cant promise you will have a place to sit, and you will never know whats going to happen next.

But this, this right here. This what you read, what you see, what you walk into. Is my life. The new normal that’s been tossed our way, and Im learning, ever so slowly, to accept it. Not get too comfortable with it, and enjoy what time I have with the ones I have.

I think she had it right today, when she stopped by unannounced. She wanted to see it like it was, and she saw it…

Just the way it is.  Atleast for today.